The Allens

My Little Helpers

2012-01-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

Kali is my little nurturer, little mother, little lover of all things baby. She has been incredible with Cameron since the day we brought him home from the hospital. She can soothe him, make him laugh, recognize his needs and always know just what it's going to take to stop his crying. Trenton is often heard saying, "Kali, what does he need?" or "Kali, could you take him?"

In return I often hear her saying, "Come on Trenton you don't hold him like that to calm him down, just try like this," and then she takes him, bounces him like a pro and makes him one happy baby.

As a 5 year old she flings that little guy over her shoulder with ease and bounces him as if he is her third child. She is known to make people gasp when she begins caring for him, watching such a little girl haul around, bounce, burp and carry a 15-20 lb baby. But after about 5 minutes of watching they usually say, "Wow, she is amazing with him." The other day after Cameron burped, she smiled and said "Oh don't worry Mom, that's not a spit up burp. I'll tell you when he's going to have one of those."

She has a special connection with him. When he was about 5 weeks old she said, "Mom, I can't really explain why I feel this way, but it feels like I've known Cameron for a long, long time."

She has no problem changing his diapers, feeding him and getting him dressed.

Trenton is also a master helper - not as much in the nurturing department but in the PROTECTING department. Protecting him from his exuberant, energetic brother who still after almost 7 months has stopped bending the poor baby completely in half, but still thinks it's a great idea to run and throw himself flat on top of Cameron during tummy time, lifting all 4 limbs off the ground, leaving little Cameron making small grunting noises under Blake's weight. Sigh. Thank goodness for T!

I just had to include this shot of the boys, though. One day Trenton asked to hold Cameron, and after a bit I looked at the rocking chair from behind to see two baby legs hanging down between Trenton's. I walked around to the front, and this is the position he had let his 5 week old brother slide to:

I said, "Trenton!"

In complete oblivion he casually looked over at me and said, "Oh, sorry mom. Was he sliding down?"

Blake is the kiddo who can make Cameron laugh harder than any of the rest of us. Cameron is starting to expect it too. He sees Blake and his face just lights up in anticipation of the fun that will begin. He smiles from ear to ear and I am amazed that he doesn't even remember almost losing his life at Blake's hands a few minutes prior. He ADORES his brother Blake.

It is interesting to note that I have watched Blake climb into the crib with Cameron when he doesn't know I am watching. He talks to him, sings songs, rubs his face gently and plays little games with him. He is so good with him only when he thinks I'm not looking :). If he knows I am watching it is near death experiences for this baby. It's all about attention.

I love my Little Helpers!

Poison (aka Milk Protien)

2012-01-14T12:55:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, nursing. I love it, I hate it. It takes so much work to get started, but so easy once it is established. I know it's infinitely best for our babies and best for our pocketbooks, so I've nursed all our babies for a year. It has gotten easier with each one as I realize what a brief amount of time in the big scheme of things I will have this special time with my baby and give them one of the best gifts I can as a mother. But with precious little Cameron it has meant much more.

I pride myself in saying I never bought an ounce of formula for Kali and Blake because we got so many samples from the doctor's offices. I definitely used formula once or twice a week for temple nights, work, date nights, etc. It was important to me not to be the only source of my kids nutrition - I mentally needed options other than me.

I planned on doing the same thing with Cameron.

Formula #1: Steve offered to take this little angel through the night since the first week he was born, but it is next to impossible (and dangerous for my milk supply) for me to go 8 hours without nursing for the first 6-8 weeks. So I'm it for a couple months. Well, the day finally came that Steve was going to take little Cameron. I was sooo excited to get more than a 3-4 hour stretch of sleep a night. Cameron is a great sleeper, but what mom goes to sleep right when the baby goes down? None that I know. So by the time homework was done, dishes were done, laundry was done, time was spent with my sweetheart, Cameron would have about 3-4 hours of sleep left in him. I was tired. So the night came and Cameron was about 8 weeks. We decided it would be easiest for Steve to fill a bottle with warm tap water upstairs in the sink and quickly mix formula than to heat my milk in hot water. It was the first time in his life he'd had formula. The next morning I walked down to the room they had slept in and Steve looked like a train wreck. "That was the worst night ever!!" he said, "He threw up all night long!"

I smiled and thought, welcome to my world. He probably spit up a couple times, and when you're delirious during the night everything seems worse. Maybe a bad batch of formula - I made a mental note to maybe try a different kind next time.

Formula #2: It was a couple weeks later and I decided to try formula again. He didn't take the bottle so well, but he probably had 3 oz of formula. He immediately threw up like I'd never seen. And then threw up again. And then was pale, sweaty, lethargic. And limp. Kali looked at me and said, "Mom, he is so sick." I held him close and tried to nurse him; which he immediately threw up and continued to do so for the next 6 hours. Stomach issues had been going around so I felt like I had a few options of what it could have been: a stomach bug, bad brand of formula, expired formula - I had no idea, but I was very hesitant to try it again.

Formula #3: I didn't touch formula for 2 months. The next time I tried it my journal reads "He acts like it's poison. He gets even a drop on his lips and he freaks out - arches back, shudders, spits it out. What is going on?!" I was scared to be the only source of nutrition, and if something happened to me what would Steve do? I wanted to avoid not having a single other choice. Finally one day when he was almost 5 months I waited until he was very hungry, warmed it just right and he guzzled the whole bottle. I had succeeded! He played happily in his swing for an hour and I laid him down for his nap. He slept unusually well and it was about 1 1/2 hours until I checked on him. I went to check on him only to find his little head encircled with a 3 foot radius of dried throw up. I almost started crying. I scooped him up and he was pale, lethargic, sweaty and limp, not really responding. I immediately nursed him and he threw it all up, still limp. 6 hours later he was back to his normal self. I finally knew it was the formula - any kind of formula!! No stomach bug, no bad batch. I called the doctor's office and a nurse recommended trying one ounce of soy with 3 oz of my milk, but there was NO way I was putting any of that in my baby's mouth. I would not give him any formula until I talked to a doctor in person. I called my friend, Becky Knudsen, who had a baby the same time I had, and asked her if she wanted some formula. I wanted to get this poison out of my house immediately. I drove it over that night & she said "I feel like I just won the lottery!"

So I said goodbye to this awesome stock pile I had built up. I collected it every time I had an OB visit or a pediatrician visit - all given to new moms "in support of breastfeeding." Right. I did like thinking about how much money I was saving with my little stockpile, but I wasn't a bit sad to see it go. OK, maybe a little sad, but it really was poison to my baby!

At his next well child visit I told the Nurse Practitioner the whole story. She seemed stumped at the "lethargic" part. "What do you mean, lethargic?" she asked. I mean lethargic - pale, limp, grey, sweaty. Not good! She kept hmmm-ing and told me she'd give us another kind of formula to try - Nutramigen - but I still didn't feel satisfied with that answer. She called back at 5:00 that night and said that as she was talking it over with the Doctor they realized they should call the allergist. Enter Dr. Stewart - she told them he was dropping his blood pressure and going into shock because of a severe allergic reaction, and I was not try formula again under any circumstances unless I was in their office so they could resuscitate him! Well, I was a bit shaken up. I called Steve, crying. I felt guilty I didn't recognize shock in my baby. If that had happened to one of my adult patients I would have called a STAT Team (meaning they were almost dying - I need docs, lab, help in here quick!). I felt so guilty I didn't know shock was a type of allergic reaction in babies. I felt guilty I tried formula twice (the first time Steve tried it and I should have been a better listener, but I didn't see it firsthand so I don't let that time add to my mom guilt. Just wife guilt). The only thing that made me feel better was that the NP was stumped too. The allergist said I should feel no guilt, I was being scientific.

We have not a SINGLE allergy in our family so that was the last thing on my mind.

At any rate, 2 weeks later we met with the allergist, Dr. Stewart, and she did some allergy testing - no needles, just a toothpick rubbed across his back with histamines on it. She acted like it was no big deal, she sees it every day, but my baby almost died!!!! At least that's how I felt.

They tested him for milk, egg, almond, peanut, rice and a couple other things - I forget. And the results...

He tested negative for everything, including milk. This means he has a:

Cow's Milk Protein Allergy - he will outgrow this in 12-18 months. A true milk allergy would last until he was 5 or 6. So in the meantime there is an elemental formula called Neocate we received samples of - it smells bad going in and coming out. And costs $30 a can! But we have a plan B, which has relieved my fears. Cameron doesn't like taste of the Plan B, and we don't like the smell of it, but at least we have one. Dr. Stewart said 30-40% of these babies are also allergic to soy so she recommends steering away from that for now. After a year she said we could trial it in her office.

This means:

*No milk, cheese, yogurt, Gerber Yogurt Melts, ice cream, mashed potatoes that have milk, etc for about another year. We can start with Almond Milk when I am done nursing, maybe soy and then back to milk at the latest at 18 months.

*Because he tested negative to all of the above, we can introduce any of those at any time.

*I usually wean when my babies are 12 months, but we may nurse a little longer. It's hard on me to have all those hormones circulating to make nursing happen- not going to sugar coat it. It takes energy, sleep, appetite, etc to make it happen and I feel so good when I'm done nursing and my hormones get back to normal. But I love that my babies nurse and wouldn't change it for a thing. Love/hate like I said.

The doctor made me feel like a million bucks when she said, "I rarely have moms in here who nurse for 6 months, let alone a year. I'm not going to ask you to do more than that - there are other options." But I might do a bit more, we'll see how things are going at that point.

*None of the milk protein passes through my milk, so I can still eat dairy.

*$$$ - I added up the money we are saving by nursing, since he would have to have Neocate and I think we can afford to take a family trip to Disneyland this fall because I am nursing!!! ;)

From the time he was in the womb I told Steve & my mom he was a "sensitive baby." He felt calm, jumped to loud noises from about 24 weeks, didn't turn breech at the end, etc. But I didn't realize his sensitivity would extend to an allergy :). Grateful for answers from modern medicine and grateful nursing is going so well!

Grandma Poljanec

2012-01-04T22:25:00.000-08:00

Grandma Mildred Poljanec passed away on October 6th, 2011 after a brief, but painful battle with throat cancer. The day after Trenton's baptism airline tickets were rescheduled, bags were packed and the family headed out to Pinedale, WY. It seems losing a mother, no matter what the circumstances, is a profound experience and a time to reflect for every child. They are your link to this earthly experience and a source of unconditional love despite any difficulties they may have had. Deb, Mom and Sandy were able to be together during this time and relied heavily on one another.

The service was simple and beautiful. We only had a graveside service for her with beautiful Pinedale, WY in the fall as the backdrop. Mom spoke and sang "Mother, I Love You." All her grandchildren and great-grandchildren sang "I am A Child of God." The service was opened up for anyone to speak and the resounding theme was of how much Grandma loved her children and grandchildren and how well she had done on this earth life with the trials she was given. I imagine her finally at peace from all of her pains and struggles here on earth. I spoke of the responsibility I feel to make her proud as her posterity and teach her great-grandchildren well. I know she'll be watching! :)

Love you, Grandma!!!

Trenton's Baptism

2011-11-19T22:04:00.001-08:00

Trenton was baptized on October 8th, 2011 by his father. It was such a special day we had been preparing for all year. Trenton has been a sincere student of the scriptures. We do not have to remind him to read. We often find him falling asleep at night with the scriptures on his chest. We have had many Family Home Evening lessons on baptism and receiving the Holy Ghost. And the covenants and blessings that come with it. I will say of this special day - he was READY.

I can't overemphasize how blessed we feel to have Trenton as our oldest child. He has such a strong testimony and a natural desire for obedience. He is a good leader & example to his brothers and sister.

We had many family members who were able to come, including his Great Grandma Alley. That was such a special treat. The week leading up to the baptism was a difficult week. My Grandma Poljanec (my Mom's mom) developed a lump in her throat, had it operated on and eventually diagnosed with advanced throat cancer the Monday prior to the baptism. She was given 1-6 weeks left to live and passed away Thursday before the baptism. I can't count how many times plans were changed for who was coming and not coming (as Emily said, it was about every 15 minutes at one point) and my head was spinning with logistics of hosting or not, baptism or not, traveling to a funeral or not all within the span of 4 days. I talked to a dear, wise friend as I was in tears the morning Grandma passed away and she gave me such sound advice. She told me to "Keep your own House in Order. Take off your daughter hat and your grandaughter hat right now and put on your wife and mother hat. That is where you will have the most influence this weekend. Make your house a sanctuary for all who come there. You can do it." And that's exactly what we did. My mom helped get affairs in order for Grandma, then drove from Pinedale, WY to Parker to attend the baptism. It was a pretty amazing accomplishment. We celebrated the living and cherished Grandma and her legacy.

We were blessed to have Emily and Johnny come for a few days prior to the baptism and I couldn't help but cry when sweet Mary surprised me by walking through the door with Luke. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was such an immense help in every way that weekend.

The morning of the baptism we awoke to two surprises: Steve had pinched a nerve early that morning and was in so much pain he couldn't move. After a hot shower, Ibuprofen, a muscle relaxant, and a lot of prayers he was able to function well enough to perform the sacred ordinances. We also awoke to 4 inches of snow. Trenton came in our room and said, "You have got to see this." He whipped open our blinds and said, "Look at this, Heavenly Father made the earth white for my special day."

The baptism was absolutely beautiful and we felt very supported and loved by our dear family. Some things I never want to forget about it include Emily's fabulous idea of writing down testimonies while Trenton and Steve got dressed, Mom pulling off a musical number after losing her mom only two days prior, Anna's talk that spoke so well to Trenton, Brittany & JD Gardiner helping cover strawberries in chocolate that morning, and our cousin Allison Anderton coming with her 4 little ones including her 5 week old all by herself to support us.

Other highlights of the week included...

Special cousin time - they "bathed Cameron" for over an hour together. Darn cute.

The night before the baptism, we had a delicious dinner and really fun evening at White Fence Farm. Oh my it was a blast and SOOOO delicious! We went there as children growing up and it was neat to introduce it to our in-laws and children.

We had a little birthday celebration for Johnny a week or so early. I am finding I love being an Aunt and spoiling, teaching & loving my nephews as much as possible. The kids really looked forward to celebrating this little man's 3rd birthday - OK, so did Steve and I.

It was a beautiful, bittersweet weekend, made all the more special having so much family love!!!

Trenton's 8th Brithday

2011-11-19T21:21:00.001-08:00

My sweet Trenton boy turned 8 years old on September 26th this year. I can't believe I have an 8 year old. And how blessed I feel to have this one! The day started with his favorite tradition - a big old breakfast in bed.

Sandy and Art invited us over the Sunday before for a birthday dinner for this special boy. They also saved the day of the birthday party by taking the kids for a few hours while I put the finishing touches on the party.

Trenton chose a theme for his birthday months ago - EGYPT! I was slightly intimidated by the choice, but with some help from friends and an awesome Aunt Anna it came together beautifully. His request for a pyramid cake went something like this "Ya, it shouldn't be hard, Mom. It's just layers and layers and then you just cut it." Mmm-hmm. It was certainly an experience making the cake (the shot above was at one in the morning :) ), but I did learn some things. I thought it turned out great!

Our good friend Riley let us borrow her Egypt Play Mobil pieces which put the finishing touches on the cake. It was awesome.

Anna dressed up as Cleopatra and led a treasure hunt, which included petting the live snake you see in her left hand. Steve caught the snake for the kids a week prior on a hike. We managed to keep Sara the snake alive and contained for a week prior to the party, despite multiple escape attempts at the hands of Blake!

Anna also braided Kali's hair to turn her into Cleopatra.

Steve did some awesome hieroglyphics on the wall for decoration.

We let him invite a few more friends than normal, so while it was a busy party, it was a great one. He got to see some friends from our old ward he hasn't seen in a while, a lot of friends from school and friends from this ward. It was a great celebration.

Please Don't Forget

2011-09-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

All I want to do in the whole wide world is hold my baby in my arms and make all the growing up stop. It's going too fast...

I found a poem that expresses how I feel albeit slightly cheesy in spots...he's only mine for a short while and quite frankly it's breaking my heart.

Sleep tight my little one, mama loves you so.

Take your time getting big, take your time to grow.

Just be mine a little while, you're so warm to hold

Stay right here in my arms, till I'm very old.

Yet I know you will grow, and leave my arms someday.

But for now just be mine, take your time to play.

The seasons come, the seasons go, like birds upon the wind.

I love to kiss your tiny cheek and all your tiny things.

Please don't forget these precious hours when your were mine to love.

Watch out World

2011-08-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

That bittersweet time of year has come when summer has ended and structure, routine and alarm clocks rule once again. I can't express how grateful we are we had 6 weeks of summer sleep ins to adjust to 'sleepless nights' with baby Cameron. I am equally as grateful it is now time to send these kiddos off and have the occasional fighting and end-of-summer boredom come to an end. Tis the bittersweet life of parenthood.

They were both pretty excited to meet their teachers the week before. Trenton loved going back to school and had a huge grin on his face walking from room to room and around 'his halls.'

And Miss Kali was a bit nervous, but excited beyond belief to be starting Kindergarten!!! This next picture sums it up! She was dressed, ready to go knocking on our door to make sure we were up and at 'em. That's my girl.

How did I feel sending her off? I can't begin to express how much I will miss this little one and her never ending help. She is a playmate and a teacher to Blake and an incredible help to me. I understand why girls weren't educated back in the day - I wasn't sure what I was going to do without her! But when the day came I felt so excited. It's as if I couldn't wait to share with the world what an amazing little girl she is and let someone else know the secret of all she has to offer. All I could think was "Watch out World - Here She Comes!"

She jumped right in line without a tear. Steve was there sending off his little girl who he ADORES and snapping great shots every step of the way. Her teacher is on the right in this next picture - and yes, she is as sweet a Southern Belle as she looks.

It was precious to see how many tears there were from the parents - especially the dads. One little girl was sobbing, which cued a few more to sob. Well this broke the parents hearts outside so THEY started sobbing. I'll never forget watching the teacher teaching the class to deep breathe after the fiasco. Pretty sweet.

No, Steve & I didn't shed any tears but I did have to get one last peek at my girl before I shared her with the world. She's going to do great!!!

How did I forget?

2011-08-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

I thought after having four kids I would have things related to birth and recovery and babies down to a science. And there are many things I remember well - how painful nursing is for the first few weeks and the zombie like exhaustion for a couple months (although Steve and I didn't really remember how BAD it is!). The joy of introducing a new baby to his siblings and watching their relationships develop with the new little one. The smell of a newborn's sweet, sweet breath. All of those wonderful things...

But there are a few things I did forget...

How I want nothing more in this world than to hold my baby. How my arms ache for him to be in them and how complete I feel when he is. How looking at him when he is sleeping makes me feel like I am absolutely in heaven. How his smiles make my heart leap out of my chest.

How I marvel at every little feature - and I just want to curl up with him and rock and hold him and kiss him and smell him every minute of every day.

I forgot how madly, madly in love I fall with my babies.

Our Fourth...

2011-07-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

...was spent celebrating our freedom, in gratitude for those who make that freedom possible, and especially loving our newest angel.

I spent the day grateful for my mother's help, my husband grilling & putting on a great show for the kids, great neighbors we were able to spend the evening with, and especially grateful for Percocet!

Heaven

2011-07-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

I am in Newborn Heaven...

Cameron Steven Allen

Born July 1st, 2001

12:17 am

9 lb 5 oz, 21" long

Parker Days

2011-06-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

I love the idea of setting Summer Goals. Last year we made a 'summer fun list' and really did have a blast. This summer it's been neat to use the 'fun' as incentive for the goals.

Trenton and Kali are working on reading goals and doing a great job. The first incentive was an all you can ride pass to our carnival here - Parker Days. Trenton and Kali worked hard to earn their passes and were sooo excited for the big day.

Trenton was a trooper of a big brother and went on the rides with Blake - even putting his arm around his little brother so he wouldn't be scared. I love it :).

Kali wanted to go on all the rides she was too little for and Trenton was content going on the rides Blake loved. We finally convinced Trenton to go on the swings that Kali was begging to go on (that she turned out to be too short for, luckily one attendant let her on anyway). Kali loved every minute of it and bawled her little eyes out when the next attendant wouldn't let her on.. Trenton had fun at first as it shows in the first picture, but then he said he got worried the chains would break so he spent the rest of the ride holding on for dear life with his eyes squeezed shut.

Carnival rides and funnel cakes - does it get any better than that when you're little?

Swimming Lessons

2011-06-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

One summer activity I wanted to make sure we got in before the baby came was swimming lessons for all the kiddos. Pool time is the best during the summer and I wanted the kiddos to be as safe as possible while having a blast. The only mistake I made was scheduling Blake's class first, so when he was done he had to wait for his brother and sister to finish their lessons. And what is more tempting than a wide open pool with a zero entry spot to splash and play even after multiple lifeguard warnings :). I know we humored all the watching parents as I attempted to chase my little 'master of disaster' all over the pool in my lovely state. It also made me feel justified when another pregnant mom said she almost fainted every time she set foot in the pool because it was SO hot and muggy in there. Yes, it was a miserable sauna that I bid a fond farewell on the last day of lessons.

The kids loved it, and loved watching each other and cheering each other on. I love the picture of Blake giving Kali a thumbs up. They made some excellent progress.

Babies at our house

2011-06-30T06:32:00.000-07:00

This spring we were lucky enough to have some sweet little robin babies hatched on our front porch. The kids loved watching the mommy robin get worms for the babies and listening to them chirp away as she hunted and fed them. The mommy robin didn't like us watching so much and would sit not too far from her nest angrily chirping away whenever we approached. The first picture is a good example of her all puffed up and warning us to stay away from her babies. We didn't watch them too much, but on occasion would climb up to see their progress.

One day we had friends visiting and thought it would be fun to see the robins. I told the kids we could look at them and before I had a chance to regulate the viewing, the kids (5 boys and Kali) were out the front door. Well, little did I know it was the day the robins would leave the nest. I heard the kids yelling excitedly and as I started to waddle (being 9 months preggo) outside I heard cars honking away. I hurried out the front door and sure enough all the kids were in the street; the young ones were chasing these poor baby robins and the older ones were trying to get the young ones out of the street. Not to mention there were 3 cars stopped for the whole fiasco.

I waddled out to the street concerned about 1- the 6 children in the middle of the street 2 - the 3 poor baby robins hopping around trying to work their little wings, absolutely defenseless against Blake and company who found more excitement and thrill the closer they jumped by these baby birds. An observant neighbor walking by said, "boy, you've got your hands full!" Thank you very much, yes.

I rounded up the little ones and the mommy robin was LIVID! She was chirping away like I'd never heard. I hurried my little ones back in and left her to round up her little ones, hoping she'd figure out how to get them out of the driveway and across the street back to where she was going to feed them.

I went out about an hour later and she had managed to get them to safety, where I snapped a picture of one of the babies in the tree. She started hollering at me again so I wished them the best and hurried back in.

We loved our spring babies!

Slip n Slide

2011-06-30T04:27:00.000-07:00

My Baby Sister - The Graduate!

2011-06-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

Anna Graduated - Class of 2011!!!

I was blessed to be able to fly (yes, fly!!! Contrary to much helpful advice I received, the doctor assured me cabin pressure does nothing to speed up labor) to Anna's graduation last week. Steve & I decided to see how I felt, and with the doctor's blessing I was able to meet up with the family for the celebration. Once again, Steve made it possible, managing the kiddos and home while I worked Wed, flew Thurs, flew back Fri and worked Sat, Sun. It's times like this I feel so blessed to have healthy pregnancies that enable me to be active (albeit slightly tired ;) ) with just a few weeks left.

I can't believe my baby girl is on to the college years!!

It was a great chance to reflect on how blessed I am to have her for a sister....how hard I prayed and fasted for her, how we all adored and parented her. Watching her grow up as a precious little girl to an energy filled, loving, go-getter of a teenager, an incredible aunt to her nieces and nephews, and a dear friend to her siblings. I love watching her life unfold, and know that the years ahead hold some very big "eternity decisions" for my girl.

She is one adored girl!!!

Father Knows Best

2011-05-29T21:33:00.001-07:00

Being 4 weeks away from delivering our fourth baby I had some definite ideas of how to spend our Memorial Day weekend. They included things such as assembling the bassinet, taking down wallpaper, washing baby clothes, organizing, etc. Steve also had some ideas about how to use the weekend.

Which included not one of my ideas.

Since he had put so much time into working on the house and projects for the past few months, surviving my two 12's a week from dawn to dusk with kids and work, and has pretty much been a rock star of a husband this pregnancy there was no way I could ask him to implement my ideas. So we went with his idea - a much needed get away as a family.

He first mentioned camping, which to be quite frank at this point in my pregnancy sounded about as fun as a root canal. So when he called and said he found a condo in the mountains for a killer deal I was thrilled! It had a full kitchen, 2 bathrooms, a private hot tub and was close to stores, lakes, and trails. Steve told the kids this is the kind of camping we do when Mommy has a baby in her tummy :). I married a good man.

We got here and the kids wasted no time hopping in the hot tub after Steve had cooled it down a bit.

We've done some hiking in these gorgeous mountains.

And of course, some fishing.

Our worm lover of the family turned out to be Miss Kali, who especially loved to torment her two brothers who had no interest in holding those worms whatsoever!

We drove up to Lake Granby and found a beautiful place to fish and hang out. This was our big catch for the day.

Steve is a fan of catch and release, thank goodness, so after pictures, holding and hook removal, we sent the little guy back into the lake. Trenton was very concerned the whole time he was out of water we weren't getting him back quick enough, so when we finally released him Trenton giggle with relief, "OK little buddy! There you go. Have a good life." He flipped belly-up rather quickly but his little gills were still breathing away so we told Trenton he was probably playing dead for a minute and would get swimming away pretty soon. Well Trenton is my little tender heart and kept speaking encouraging words to the fish. A minute turned to several and my hopes for a catch-and-release were fading fast. Trenton stayed with his little guy, following him down the shore where the wind blew him. I knew we were going to have trouble when I saw some seagulls began to circle.

Nature wastes nothing. It was one of those natural consequences you want to protect your kids from but can't - I suppose shouldn't - and while Steve was snapping away I heard Trenton's heart break as he shouted:

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR PLAYING DEAD FOR SO LONG!!!"

I haven't stopped laughing at that line.

This bird had no desire to share the feast and I imagine he may have a bit of a stomach ache.

We had the whole 'circle of life' talk to which Trenton had no interest. Kali tried to talk to Trenton afterwards and he was too upset to have a discussion.

"Kali, when you see something so upsetting like that you just don't feel like talking, ok?! I just wish every animal would just be a vegetarian." I heard him mumble about fruit and nuts for quite a while after that :).

The shore made for some nice down time.

Sun and sand had us all tuckered out when we got home.

I love these kiddos so much and especially love their Daddy who makes fabulous memories and magical moments for our family.

Who needs a bassinet anyway?

Grandma McDonald

2011-05-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

Steve's Grandma McDonald passed away in April and we felt like we should make it a priority to attend the funeral as a family. We both took bereavement leave from our jobs and headed out on an impromptu trip to UT. It was fairly incredible - all but 4 of her children and grandchildren were able to attend out of 39 children and grandchildren. Quite a family reunion and celebration of her life and posterity!

I should back up and say that Steve wouldn't hear of me driving 9 hours 30 weeks pregnant. The week before I ended up working a horrific schedule of 12 hour shifts Thurs, Sat, Mon and Wed with teaching at church, sick kids and coordinating youth activities for church in between. So his insisting I fly might have had to do a little bit with me coming home in pain, tears & exhaustion Wed night not having a clue how I was going to pack up and travel the next day for the funeral. Yes, that was probably it. I was protesting through my tears, insisting a good night's sleep would make all the difference and he kept nodding and ignoring me while he bought the ticket. So my saint of a husband drove 3 kids to UT by himself and stayed at Great-Grandma Alley's Thurs night. We always love our Laramie stop and I especially love the relationship my kids have being so close to Grandma.

The above picture is an attempt at getting a picture with her grandchildren and great-granchildren - it wasn't the quietest funeral :), but it was certainly filled with love and appreciation for the legacy she and Grandpa started. Steve and I reflected a lot on the life and legacy we were leaving for our children...how seemingly small everyday choices really create a tapestry of faith, love, work ethic, values, etc that effect generations to come. Grandma's humor, intelligence, obedience and work ethic were marveled at and appreciated by all.

Grandpa and his children who were able to attend are in the above picture - (L to R) Aunt Wendy, Aunt Nancy, Grandpa, Aunt Sandy, Aunt Leslie and Uncle Billy (with Kali attached to his lap - it was precious - she climbed onto him and in his loving way he held her for about 1/2 hour while grieving his mother and strengthening his siblings without missing a beat). They each spoke about her during the service. You could tell each child had a unique relationship with their mother and it was just beautiful to hear the different points of view and aspects they loved and appreciated about her. Of course it made me think of my relationship with my children, how unique each little spirit is, how I relate differently with each child, and what each child needs from Steve & I to grow confident in themselves and in our love for them.

We got to see so many cousins!!! It was incredible. We spent many late nights playing games and talking with these dear friends. Sommer, Jenna and I are all pregnant with little BOYS and are due within about 4 weeks of each other. It's always nice to commiserate - I mean REJOICE in the joys of pregnancy with someone.

After the funeral we headed home and made it in time to see beautiful Anna off to prom. She was all dolled up and had a blast that night.

Luke, Mary and Max also drove down from Rexburg to spend a couple days with us. It was a great little family reunion (minus Em who was in San Diego running the Ragnar!!!)!

Blake LOVED holding Max and talks all the time about how he's "gonna hold his little brudder just like baby Max."

Mom and Dad hosted us for the week and dyed Easter eggs Sunday night, took the kids on train rides, planted little gardens and spoiled us rotten. The kids (all of us) loved it.

The Monday after the funeral the McDonald cousins were still making the most of our time together! Matt Jeppson (Wendy's son) brought up the great idea of doing some fishing on the Provo River and doing a little adventure with the kiddos in St George. We were completely on board...what better adventure guide than Matt who LOVES the outdoors, used to be a river guide, is now an environmental lawyer and always on the lookout for the next great adventure? And Steve, JV and Matt used to spend a lot of time together fishing and playing - I loved that they had the rare chance to do it again. So I kept Blake with me and Steve took Trenton and Kali down to St. George.

These are some shots from the St George trip. Aunt Wendy and 11 of the cousin's kids also went on the hikes in St George and the adults did a lot of trading off kiddos who were too little or got a little too hot to finish parts of the hike (above - Kali on Matt's shoulders) .

They found a tortoise...

a gecko...

a snake...

(yes, Kali is in heaven holding snakes)

and a scorpion (no pictures of children holding that one though). They really had a blast and talk about their adventures in the desert often.

While they were gone Blake and I got to see Emily and spend some time with Johhny!!! Yea! Johnny and Blake are little buds - it's so fun to watch their relationship. I also got to see our dear friends, the Barlows and found a beautiful picture of the temple for our dining room. I have been looking for years and consider myself pretty picky. I love it. We also got spoiled by Mom and Dad with an incredible dinner at a Hibachi grill - it was absolutely succulent. Little Johnny wasn't a big fan of the flame at the table and I will be watching to see how he does in the future with fire ;). Blake cautiously enjoyed the flame but both boys LOVED the food.

Steve once again insisted I fly home and didn't bat an eye or utter a word of complaint driving 3 kids across UT and WY with a week of very little sleep while I loaded up on a plane and headed home. What did I do to deserve him?

It really was a week of family and reflection, which I suppose is a big part of what funerals are about.

We love you Grandma McDonald!

A Child's Prayer

2011-04-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

A few months ago the music director in our church asked me if I could find a musical number to sing in church. After looking at a lot of options, it dawned on me Kali had been asking to sing in church for a while. I asked if she wanted to sing in church and she said she would LOVE to! I chose a simple and sweet duet between a parent and a child called A Child's Prayer.The practice sessions were very sweet and spirit filled as I listened to my little girl's sweet voice.

We practiced for weeks and the week we were supposed to sing Kali came down with Influenza B. We cancelled that Sunday in Feb and rescheduled for today. Last Sunday our pianist came over to practice and Kali completely clammed up, hiding behind me shyly. It dawned on me this could go very, very badly and I had to come up with a backup plan. I asked one of my friends if her daughter McKinney, who is Kali's good friend would be at all interested in singing with Kali. I smiled when she asked, "Does she need to hit the notes?"

After many practice sessions, the big day came and I just said many prayers these two little five-year-old girls would have the courage to sing in front of our 500 member congregation. We got ready for church early and this morning Kali showed me a picture she drew of us singing "our song" in church. I showed Kali who we would sing after and when this woman got up to speak Kali started panicking. "I can't do it, Mom. I am so scared to sing in front of all these people. My voice will not work." The tears came and she started twisting and turning in agony. Oh Boy. I told her we could say a prayer and Heavenly Father would give her courage. When that didn't quite stop the tears, I turned and looked back at McKinney who was calmly eating fruit snacks on her daddy's lap. Hmmmm- let's get her blood sugar up - I turned to Steve and he handed me a piece of candy for her. Worked like a charm. The time came and she and McKinney held hands up to the front. They started singing and a calm sweet spirit came over me as they sang:

"Heavenly Father, are you really there?
And do you hear and answer every child's prayer?"

I started singing and it felt like I was bearing my testimony to these sweet little girls. My heart and the spirit confirmed the words I sang:

"Pray, He is there.Speak, He is listening.
You are his child, his love now surrounds you."

I put my arm around my little girl and wanted her to instill in her that Heavenly Father would always be there to answer the pleadings of her heart. Singing with my little girl was a very sweet experience and made for a very special Sunday.

When Irish Eyes are Smiling

2011-03-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like a child saying "My favorite Holiday is St. Patrick's Day, Mom. Even more than Christmas!" to ramp up a holiday that used to come with barely remembering to wear green to turning it into a full-blown HOLIDAY. It puts a bit of pressure on the mother of the home, but now that I think about it should remove some of the pressure from Christmas. I wish.

After I dropped Trenton off at school I heard, "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling," and thought of Trenton's ancestors and realized it's in his blood with the Murphys and McDonalds - I guess I can hardly blame him for it ;).

Luckily when Grandma Allen found out Trenton's passion for this day she came to the rescue and sent a package with some decorations and goodies to help - Thank You, Grandma!!! Starting March 1st Trenton said, "You know what month this is Mom...I think we should start wearing green every day." So we tried to make this a special day for our little guys and gal - here are some shots.

We got Kali all ready for her preschool party.

Trenton had a Reader's Theater performance - it was fun to see all the kiddo's green. No, this is not the outfit I laid out for him, but he insisted on this ensemble (he is the one in the lovely plaid brown shorts, and he insisted on sleeping in the socks the night before.)

After Kali's preschool party, a few of the kids asked for the recipe for the Green Punch - it tastes just like water, Mom, but it's green!!!! How do we make it?!

The visit from the Leprechauns at preschool when Trenton was little is what started it all, so I wanted to capture some of the evidence left behind again this year. Green footprints :).

Of course the Leprechauns visited our house and caused plenty of mischief before the kids went to bed. The night before St Patrick's Day Steve and I found a note from Trenton - he now keeps it in his bed with him:

Lucky,

I hope the Leprechauns can someday be man's best friend. Love, Trenton

Lucky wrote back:

Friends we will always be. Love, Lucky

This Too Shall Pass...

2011-03-02T20:58:00.000-08:00

This next blog is an attempt to chronicle the last 4 months of my life for my personal history, because although I knew it would be bad (very bad) that little blessing from Heavenly Father called amnesia made me forget how truly horrific the first 4 months of pregnancy are for me.

Yes, we are expecting Allen baby #4 due July 1st. It was very planned, much anticipated, the pregnancy itself slightly dreaded, but we were thrilled when we finally found out we were pregnant. We knew we had about 10 days before the nausea, exhaustion, etc kicked in so I made the most of those days. Scrubbed bathrooms, cut hair, trimmed nails, washed sheets, made a couple freezer meals, cleaned out the fridge, etc. and waited for it to hit. And hit it did - 24/7nausea. Morning noon, night, middle of the night - a constant feeling like I was just about to throw up, and 5 minutes of relief when I finally did which for me was only around 10 times, but I always wished it were more. 50 minutes of not feeling like I was on the verge of throwing up over the last 4 months - yuck. We thought we had braced ourselves for the worst, but Steve and I both had simply forgotten. Actually Steve swears I've been the sickest this pregnancy, but Aunt Diane hit the nail on the head saying it's probably the hardest because we have three kids to manage now. I think she is right. Many titles for this blog have ran through my mind..."4 Months of Hell", "How Could I Forget This?", "We Made It...Barely." But I settled on a line my wise, experienced father texted me at about week 9 - "This Too Shall Pass." I can now say at 23 weeks I occasionally have my moments, but the worst finally has passed.

I wanted to record some of the tender mercies I was able to experience, and things that made an impression on my mind and helped us to survive this time.

Potty Trained! About 3 weeks after the sickness started Blake was completely potty trained at 2 years and 9 months, including staying dry through the night. He was ready long before this, but I thought my to-do list was too long to stay home for the week or two it required. Every time I tried I would end up "needing" to go somewhere, run an errand or help someone. Well, Heavenly Father took care of that by solidly grounding me to the couch 20 feet from the bathroom, with no desire to step foot anywhere in the house or out of the house! Life came to a screeching halt. Kali was my angel helper and I told her every time Blake went to the bathroom they both got a treat. She took on the challenge like a champ and every 10 minutes was asking Blake if he needed to go, helping him with his pants, reminding him to flush and wash, even helping him wipe on my worst days. He didn't really care about the treats, but she did! He has had no problem since with going #1, #2 and nighttime dryness. I can count one hand how many accidents he has had and I am grateful for that EASY to train little boy and that tender mercy.

Jelly Toast - Early into this my little Kali asked me "Mommy, do you feel sick?" I answered with a weak nod and she was back in 5 minutes with a triumphant grin and a piece of bread spread with a 2 inch layer of jelly on it. She was so precious and thoughtful during the whole sickness, bringing me jelly toast, water and anything else I asked for.

Fortified Cereal - I can't overstate how much of this my family has eaten over the past four months. It was often all I could fathom putting in my mouth, almost the daily choice for breakfast, often lunch and occasionally dinner. I am just grateful it is fortified.

Friends- Many meals showed up on our doorstep, often without anyone asking if they could be brought. We were all so appreciative. The encouraging words were so appreciated, especially from those who have been through this. My dear friend Amanda wrote a perfectly timed message saying week 8 or 9 was the hardest because you felt like you'd been sick for an eternity, but you knew you had so long to go. It hit the nail on the head. Another friend, Annie encouraged me to try Unisom and B-6 and it made all the difference for me allowing me to sleep at night or at least fall back to sleep after waking up on the verge of throwing up.

Family - I am pretty sure my mom did 13 loads of laundry when they came out for Thanksgiving, and the clean clothes lasted for weeks. Aunt what a tender mercy was the visit from my Aunt Lynette and my Grandma Alley. Grandma and Aunt Lynette loved, entertained and taught the kids right during a time I was threatening miscarriage. Aunt Lynette has the ability to do the work of 4 women wrapped into one and between her and Grandma - boy did they work. In the two days they were here she changed all the sheets, cleaned out and organized the fridge and freezer, organized the pantry, did countless loads of laundry, and cooked meals. I simply sat on the couch in nausea and pain and was forever grateful for her work for the next 2 months!

Steve - All I can say is that me, the tornado of a house and the kids were not a pretty sight to come home to, but he did every night with a smile and willing hands ready to bring dinner, put kids to bed, and clean up. He picked up countless prescriptions, given back rubs to help me relax to fall asleep, cleaned and done laundry while I sat helpless. He pulled the whole family through this.

My CNA's - Many people have asked how I was able to work during this as I am working 24 hours a week - two 12 hour days - to get insurance to have this little one. It's not easy - I often dry heaved going to and coming from, and fell into a chair and was sleeping (or crying) moments after arriving home. BUT... my CNAs (Certified Nursing Assistants) were LIFESAVERS. I am on the Cardiac Floor so luckily I don't have many wounds, dressing changes, incontinent people, etc. But I do occasionally get them or have fun parts of my job to do like collecting stool samples, having people show me what they've hacked up "just in case I need to let the doctor know," and have plenty of nausea and vomiting. It's the nature of my job. My CNA's have saved the day. They are always the first to find out I am pregnant, usually by my dry heaving during one of these special moments. They pull me into the hall and say "You are NOT going back into that room! I can handle it!" They often don't tell me when they've handled a "code brown" or other exciting moments until it is all cleaned up. They run to answer call lights when I am too exhausted or nauseated to do it and keep me out of contact precaution rooms - infectious rooms: Influenza, MRSA, C-Diff, etc. So how am I able to work? I don't have to cook for anyone, wipe any bottoms, clean up any dirty dishes, spills or accidents, or deal with laundry like I do at home. I give a lot of medication, do a lot of teaching, and do a lot of coordinating care and charting. I have CNA's, housekeepers, and a cafeteria that has healthy, prepared food as often as I need it. Most of all - my CNA's come to the rescue.

The 12 weeks ultrasound - I planned some special mommy-daughter time for little Kali as she had been such an incredible help for me. I asked if she wanted to hear the baby's heartbeat at my ultrasound and go out for frozen yogurt afterward and she was THRILLED for the chance. I arranged a playdate for Blake and her and I went to the appointment. Little did I know the doctor would do an ultrasound! Kali stood close beside me as the baby appeared on the screen and a big grin spread over her face as she saw little hands, arms and legs just moving away. She began waving back saying, "Hello! Oh hi, little one! I'm Kali! I'm your big sister and we're going to share a bunk bed and play together!" It was all I could to to hold the tears back as I saw this precious little life inside me and it's big sister loving it already. That unexpected ultrasound really gave me the strength to keep going.

Hilarious lines: The kiddos said the funniest things and I wanted to record a few of them:

Trenton: I was changing Blake's diaper and started dry heaving away. I told Trenton to RUN and get me a plastic sack (it was to wrap up the stinky diaper quick, but he thought it was to catch what was about to come out of my mouth.) He threw the sack at me and ran off saying, "Mom I really love you, but I CANNOT stay to watch this!"

Trenton: During one of his more recent prayers, "And please bless the baby to grow healthy and strong off of all of Mom's fat." Sigh.

Blake: One particularly rough morning I ran to the bathroom to throw up and poor Blake was apparently very hungry. He stood right next to me and watched the process, and as I was catching my breath he said: "Now you can pour me cereal, Mom?" Sure, buddy. I'll be right on that.

Trenton & Kali: We were at the dinner table and Steve had just finished giving the kids a lecture on how it was so important to help Mommy, especially cleaning up dirty or gross things so I wouldn't have to deal with them. Blake was potty training and had his pants off. He stood up, announced he had to go to the bathroom and proceeded to go all over his dinner plate. It was funny, but too much for me to handle and got me going on the dry heaves. Steve wrinkled his nose, looked at me and said "All right, is it your turn or mine?" The kids jumped all over him! "Are you kidding, Dad? There's no way Mom can clean that up! That is disgusting. You just told us we had to help her! Dad!!!" It was hilarious.

I can't explain the relief I have knowing the worst has passed - I just wanted to write a few of these things down for the record :). We are truly looking forward to welcoming Baby BOY #3 around July 1st!

Wasatch Back, Baby!

2010-08-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

Last summer my cousin Natalie Anderton asked a simple question, "Would you like to run the Wasatch Back with me next summer?" I laughed and said, "I'm not really a runner, so if you don't mind a 12 minute mile on your team, sure, sounds fun." This simple question became a focus of my year beginning in January. Because in January I realized my first leg was 7 miles mostly uphill, and thought "What did I get into?!" So I began running 10 minutes at a time for a few weeks, then 20, then 30, then worked up to an hour at a time. I have a love/hate relationship with running - I don't particularly enjoy the actual run, but love the ENERGY and PATIENCE it gives me. I am a better mother when I run. And I love a good goal. I am trying to make the most of the time I am not pregnant or nursing, and I certainly wouldn't run 4-5 times a week if I didn't have a motivator.

Steve was extremely supportive during my hours training and loaded me up with some great songs on my I-Pod. And sweet Katie next to me on a treadmill over and over at the gym saying YOU CAN DO IT, after I'd gripe that "I can't believe I signed up for this I don't even like running!" The kids were also great about going to the gym in the winter, then waiting outside for me to finish my morning runs when the weather got better. I loved rounding the corner to our house and seeing Kali and Blake sitting in their jammies on the front porch, cheering me in and 'helping' me stretch.

We decided it was best if I take the kids to UT and Steve stayed and worked. Thanks to my Mom and Dad for keeping the kiddos for the 3 day event! So we loaded up in the car and first drove to Laramie for a fun visit with Choo-choo Grandma.

Blake had a blast playing with Grandma's fly-swatter, getting all the imaginary flies Grandma pointed out. He was giggling so hard.

Thank goodness for BK and some good car games, books and movies. The kids were really good during the trip! I got the kids settled at Mom and Dad's house and headed to SLC for a pre-game meet the team dinner at Olive Garden. The Wasatch Back consists of a 12 person team running 3 legs each for a total of 188 miles from Logan to Park City. Each team is divided into 2 vans. Our van began the run at 5:30 Friday morning so we spent Thurs night in a hotel in Logan. Let the games begin!

This was bright and early Friday morning all ready to run. This was my first race where someone else would care about my time. Anything I've run before I've done for me, but I didn't want to let the team down. Luckily, everyone was pretty low key about the overall team finish time, so there was no pressure, but I still wanted to do well. The girls in my van were awesome - fun, flexible, able to push themselves to the max on little sleep and food and still be kind and patient and wonderful.

I was runner number 2 - I started my first leg around 7:45 that morning. The weather was perfect, I ran my personal best time and gave it everything I had for the 7 miles - it was my favorite leg.

There were 1200 teams competing and the vans everyone were driving in and the team names were HILARIOUS. I think I need to get out more, because I couldn't stop laughing at some of the vans.

Some of the costumes were outrageous - I'll spare you the photo of the all male team who ran in speedos.

The scenery was absolutely beautiful and the team support was awesome. For most legs, the van could drive beside you and cheer you on, offer drinks, ring the cow bell, etc. My second leg went pretty good - it was just HOT.

We rested where and when we could (this is one of the exchange points - Snow Basin Ski Resort) and ate where and when we could. I never thought I would equate getting 3 hours of sleep on the cement floor of a high school auditorium to sleeping at the Hilton. I've never been so glad to crawl into a warm sleeping bag safe from the threat of sprinklers turning on at 4 am. However, when I woke up from this delightful sleep and gasped in pain as I stretched my legs out I thought, this next leg is going to be sweet. We passed out Ben-gay and Vitamin I (Ibuprofen, taught to me by an experienced marathoner) that morning without hesitation.

After the 3-hour-sleep-nausea and 4 am chill wore off, the only thing I could think during my last leg as I was limping along was a saying seen on a van - "Running is mental - we are all CRAZY."

We ran into the night and in the early hours of the morning, navigating exchange points, hydration, restroom stops, etc.

One of the coolest parts was that Anna was running it at the same time with the high school cross country team! My sister is awesome! She was asked to fill in only 2 weeks before and she kicked trash! She did such a great job and it was awesome to share the experience with her - text each other during the race, cheer each other on and give support. And massages the next day when we could hardly walk.

I saw all these fabulous women and mothers push themselves to do something great (ok, not pioneer great, but great for me). I started crying near the end of my third leg, not because of the searing pain shooting through my right knee with each step, but because I had DONE IT! I had pushed past pain, tiredness, a busy life, set a goal and completed it. It was really a great feeling.

Showers were very welcomed at the end of the race along with a good night's sleep. I can't wait to do it again!

My Girl, Part 2

2010-07-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I went to write a check and saw this little name - Kali (spelled backwards) on the check. I flipped to another check and saw it on another, then another, then another. Little miss Kali had written her name on almost every check in my checkbook. Ever the observant one she was watching me make this discovery with a triumphant, yet nervous raise of the eyebrow. I assume she had been anticipating the moment for a while. I didn't say anything, but but tilted my head and gave her my own eyebrow raise, to which she replied,

"Now the money's all mine."

My Girl, Part 1

2010-07-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

It all appears innocent enough - Kali watering the garden.

Dad is behind the camera.

She thought she was pretty funny.

So do we.

TAPS - Washington D.C.

2010-07-02T21:33:00.000-07:00

"Welcome home. Welcome to the family reunion."

These were the first words out of Darcie Sims mouth at the 15th annual TAPS National Seminar for Survivors. Darcie was the keynote speaker, a renowned expert on grief and grieving, the kind of lady who can make you laugh and cry at the same time.

She continued, "Welcome to the place you can let your guard down. Take of the mask of 'doing ok' and 'being ok' and 'moving on' and just be. Where we understand that every smile, every laugh, every piece of joy has been hard fought for, and hard earned. Welcome home."

Emily, Steve, Trenton and I attended TAPS Seminar over Memorial Day Weekend. I had my reservations about attending for a second time - I felt almost selfish like someone else needed the tickets, the spots, the chance to heal. Until Darcie said, "If this is your first or second time, we beg you PLEASE come again. You are the reason TAPS is what it is. You help those who follow behind you see hope in the future. Please keep coming."

"Everyone tells you the first year is hard. But we all know the second year is harder."

"Maybe together we have learned it's all right to be WHEREVER YOU ARE on this journey."

I think what amazed Emily and I the most was that being two years out from losing John, we were surprised to realize we were still had one of the most recent losses. But not the most recent - you could tell the first-timers. It looked so painful and raw - they looked like they were in shock, but you knew exactly what that felt like because it was not so long ago you were in their shoes.

It was an incredible weekend...here are some of the highlights.

We were addressed by Gen. Mike Mullen, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. It always puts me in awe the time and support he and his wife Deborah give to TAPS and to families of those who have lost someone when he is running 2 wars and commanding countless military bases and operations all over the world.

Emily got to shake hands with the senator responsible for passing the Post 9/11 GI Bill - that all fallen service member's children since 9/11 would be able to attend college for free. The Senate is still working out all the details, but yeah for Johnny!!!

Friday night we were blessed to be able to tour the Pentagon. I had signed Trenton, Steve and I up to go to a Military Concert that night, but a month before DC Trenton's teacher gave him a book about the Pentagon to read for school. Well, Trenton became obsessed. He talked about the Pentagon non-stop and tickets for the tour were GONE! As we were landing he recognized the Pentagon from the air and couldn't stop shouting "Mom, I saw the Pentagon! The REAL LIVE Pentagon!!! Can you believe it?" He went bounding down the concourse "I can't believe I saw the Pentagon." It was like a dagger through the heart everytime he brought it up, knowing I had given up the chance for him to see it.

Well, my mother bear instinct kicked in. I would stop at nothing to try to get him in. But with how wonderful everyone at TAPS is, it didn't take too much.

I went to the desk first thing Friday morning to put our name on the wait-list for tickets. Emily HAD signed up for the tour and offered to take Trenton if we could only get one extra ticket. We were 5 groups down on the list and I started telling Trenton's story. The sweet lady looked at me behind her glasses and handed me one ticket, "Tell Trenton to have a good time. And check back in a bit to see if we can give you two more." I started crying at her kindness. A peer mentor in a TAPS t-shirt came running up and said, "I'm here for hugs! Come here!" It was so cute - I love that TAPS just has people on standby for hugs. Later in the day we checked and indeed Barb had set aside two tickets so we were all able to go...and take illegal pictures like the one above. After Steve took this picture Trenton said, "What does that sign with the camera crossed out mean, Dad?" Whoops.

Within the Pentagon we saw the Fallen Heros Memorial dedicated to all those who lost their lives in 9/11.

We were addressed by Ben Stein who is an avid supporter of the military and of TAPS. His speech gave me the goosebumps. He said, "My next door neighbors are Pierce Brosnan and Barbara Streisand. And while they are stars, actors, and musicians - very capable at that - they are not the stars I want my sons and daughters to grow up to be like. There are over 6 billion people in the world and 1.5 million US service members. They are the only thing standing between the free world as we know it and total annihilation of everything we hold fast and true. And you family members are the backbone of those defending the free world as we know it. Those are the true stars! Those are the stars I want my sons and daughters to grow up to be like!"

Trenton was able to go to a Good Grief Camp - here he is with his mentor Mark. They have a mentor for every child - 400 children & 400 mentors!

We were able to attend the Memorial Day Concert on the Lawn at the Capital Building.

It is an awe inspiring evening of music and stories that leaves me speechless...

And can be very hard.

On Monday we used our free time to tour DC. Emily was teasing us that this was the first time Steve and I have ever rode a subway. Yes, most of our travel has taken us to areas without subways...but Hawaii, Argentina and Guatemala had other things that compensated ;). Really, though I could spend an entire year touring the east coast.

We went to the Botanical Gardens in DC - oh, I loved every minute of it.

This was the cutest scene...there were 3 little boys all from different countries. Trenton English speaking, the little boy in the white shirt spoke French, and the two little boys in red spoke Spanish. But they all did the exact same thing - climbed on the rocks to watch and try to splash/feed/play with the ducks, laughing together and being told by their parents to back up, please! Childhood knows no divides.

We also were able to go to the Natural History Museum - this Jellyfish is two stories long hanging from the ceiling.

It is interesting...many people asked me last year what we were able to do in DC. What did you see? Where did you go? And I would just shake my head thinking, "I met Crystal, a sister who had lost a brother, her baby brother, and her life hasn't been the same since. And we were able to talk about it and finally talk to someone who understood. Is there anything in DC more valuable to me than being with that person? No way."

This year though, I had interest in seeing other things, in sharing them with my family, in reaching beyond TAPS. But it didn't change that the most valuable things I took from this weekend were from TAPS.

The Good Grief Camp for Children did some great stuff - they all wrote a letter to their loved one they had lost, tied it to a balloon and did a massive balloon launch.

They toured Washington a bit, saw the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum and the Washington Monument, but most of all did what TAPS does best...

gained a shoulder to lean on.

May 15th

2010-06-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

I committed to document a day in our lives 4 times a year on the 15th. So here we are on May 15th. Steve said I should just skip to June 15th since I was working on May 15th, but I thought a day in our lives is a day in our lives. So here we go :)

The days I work start the night before, laying out school clothes on school days, instructions for babysitters who come, or packing backpacks when the kiddos go elsewhere. This day happened to be a Saturday so there is much less work the night before, knowing our very competent Daddy would be in charge. So all I had to get ready was me and my uniform, badge, etc.

The worst part about the days I work is the alarm going off at 5:40. That is why I do all the getting ready the night before. The unfortunate hour I get up really is a bummer for me who is not a morning person at all. After I am up and going I love the days I work :). It is my hobby that I really enjoy.

This particular morning little Blake woke up just before 6 so he was my getting-ready-buddy. He loves greeting Abby in the morning. She sleeps in her crate in our room and doesn't make a peep as long as she can see someone. She goes all night without going potty - crate training is good stuff.

While our little Blakey had 3 minutes without being actively supervised (although I was in the shower with a glass door, helplessly watching his every move) he managed to tear open a brand new toothpaste and squeeze it all over our white bathroom rug. That's our boy.

Last summer I initiated Special Breakfasts on the days I worked to give the kids some stability while we lived so many places. It stuck with my breakfast loving Trenton boy. I make them a special breakfast the mornings I work and wake them up before I leave and have 15 minutes or so with them to say goodbye and go over the days plans. They love it, but it always leaves me RUSHED getting out the door with lots of needs, hugs and kisses. If they stay up too late we don't do them as they will sleep until 7:30ish and be much happier. On those mornings I just lay out cereal and bowls.

This morning I made sausage croissants from Costco - how do you resist with those awesome coupons?! - and grapes. They loved it and after hugs and kisses I was out the door by 6:30 listening to NPR all the way to the hospital.

I don't remember all the details about work, but I do remember I had 4 patients; one of them post-op day 2 after 4 vessel open heart surgery. Those patients are BUSY and consume most of my day with education, pulling chest tubes and pacer wires, the first walks and showers after surgery, forcing them to eat (being on a heart-lung machine ruins appetites), etc. But it's awesome to watch them progress.

I do remember another patient telling me he just couldn't take his cholesterol drug Zocor anymore and why.
P: "Yes, it's just awful what it did to me last night. I was just like taking a Viagra. I got all hot and flushed, and well..you know."
Me: "Sure, yes. (I didn't exactly know, but I had a pretty good guess) Well, let's not take that this morning and we'll talk to your primary care doctor about getting that changed."

I also had a patient who was admitted with chest pain and it snowballed into much more. His platelet count was extremely elevated and some of his other blood work looked suspicious, so we called in an oncologist. This man was a CEO of some Fortune 500 Company, single and very type A. It was apparent he was not used to slowing down at all. No one called or came to visit - no family, no friends. It was hard watching him face a diagnosis of cancer all alone. I tried to be a listening ear as much as possible, and a couple times he said "I'm sorry, I know you don't have time for this." On the contrary - that is why I do what I do. To have time for things like this.

On Saturdays Steve is really good about bringing the kids to visit for lunch as much as possible, and he did this Saturday. I get a discount in out cafeteria and the food is on the verge of gourmet for hospital food. They have a salad bar we love and the kids love getting the treat of chocolate milk!

This is the kids in front of Sky Ridge (yes, it's nickname is Spa Ridge with room service and the motto "Beyond Your Expectations"...it is a very nice place to recover and heal and work. It's the way hospitals are going. Finally.)

The kids love to play on the playground while they wait for me to come out or when I have to back to work early.

When I went back to work after lunch a coworker stopped me and said something very interesting. Mind you she is 55, a fabulous person with a heart of gold, single with no children. She had seen us eating lunch together in the cafeteria. "I felt so sorry for you while your kids were here. You didn't even get a lunch break!!" My first instinct was to laugh out loud. When in the world do I get a 'lunch break'? Ever?! Never as a stay-at-home mom. Are you kidding? And at work I usually am interrupted 4-5 times while I scarf down food by a doctor, patient or patient's family. And then I started to think...hmmm. What would an actual lunch break be like? Maybe I should look into this novel concept.

But I explained to her that I loved having my kids come to eat lunch with me, chaotic as the scene may appear. I love exposing them to the art and science of medicine, making them comfortable with hospitals, familiar with where mom works, making a family memory and cherishing the special time that they ADORE having lunch with mom. Because I know all too soon it will be gone.

I headed home that night and Steve had done an amazing job as always of having the kids pick up the house and had them tucked into bed. I usually get home around 8:30. I had asked Steve to take pictures of the things they did that day for the blog. I asked to see the pictures and he said, "Are you kidding? When would I have had time to take pictures? I was so busy with the kids." I swear he says things like that just to make me feel good :).

I wanted to drop but had a couple of things to do for church...get a YW lesson ready and make our girl's camp fund-raiser poster. Steve was so wonderful and pitched in to help finding this awesome VW Bug for a retro car wash poster. I wasn't sure if peace signs were allowed in the church building so I tried to trim around that. But I loved the final product - and you couldn't miss it!!!

I finished that up and crashed into bed I have no idea what time - well after midnight. Just another day in the life of the Allens.

True Love

2010-06-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

My husband showed me again the truest form of love over the last couple of months and I wanted to be sure to document it.

We have talked about putting a garden in since we moved into this house. I have attempted a garden in the past at our old house without much luck, but I had high hopes to make one happen this year mainly for the kiddos. They love the thought of planting a garden and I love the thought of teaching them the law of the harvest and the miracles involved in the process.

The first obstacle was a garden plot, though. One day after I worked I went straight to a Girl's Night Out and our neighbor exclaimed, "What in the world was going on in your backyard today?! There were saws flying, wood being cut, nails being pounded. Were you putting up a swing set?" My heart jumped for joy hpoing it was a garden plot, and when I got home it was better than I could have imagined. Steve and our neighbor spent HOURS one Saturday cutting wood donated by our neighbor from his old swing set to make a great looking garden plot. Much better than I had envisioned. Steve was sun-burned and exhausted, and it was one of those times that I knew how much he loved me. All of this work wasn't for his dream! Over the following weeks he worked hard to de-sod the plot, with our help from time to time. It was a lot of work and the whole time I was trying to imagine the pioneers doing this to ACRES of land!

We removed a bunch of the sand that was below the topsoil and filled it with garden soil and compost. This is a picture of the kiddos getting in a free gymnastic lesson while we filled it with soil. It's too bad we had to put up a fence to keep Abby and the deer out. We planted a bunch of seeds and a few tomato and pepper plants from Costco I just couldn't pass up, and everything is taking well so far!

I don't have a picture of the fence we put up around it or the veggies starting to grow, but let me say it is MUCH easier than at our old house. I have yet to run into a snake and there is about 0.5% of the weeds that were in our last plot. Now we are trying to avoid a major hail storm and we should be good to go! We'll keep you updated at harvest time.

Spring Soccer

2010-06-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

Trenton completed his first season of soccer playing. We had our ups and downs - Steve loved the comment: "I just wish I were playing basketball instead!" After a few practices and he got the hang of things really started enjoying it. He loved to play defense and when he saw the ball heading towards his goal he raced to be the first to defend the goal. They played lots of games with the kiddos and Trenton's favorite was "Cookie Monster, are you Hungry?"

He was always at the offenders side, running down the field two steps in front of him at a perfect spot to kick the ball away, but never did. I tried to teach him to kick the ball away from players heading towards his goal, but his comment was, "That is totally cheating, Mom. Are you kidding me? Now you want me to be a cheater?!" So I guess we have a few things to work on.

It was our first and our LAST outdoor spring soccer. I can't decide which practice was my favorite - the two snowstorms, the hailstorm, the 3 windstorms, or the two that got cancelled due to weather. We'll be searching for summer, fall and indoor programs from here on out.

Trenton made some good buddies and loved his Coach Kara.

But if anyone caught the soccer bug it was our little Blake. Blake is certainly obsessed with any type of ball, and the soccer ball is no exception. He wanted to play with the big kids so bad, and having to kick the ball on the sidelines was rough for my little guy. He kept saying, "I do socca pac-tice. I pay soccer-ba." Practice after practice he'd make the saddest little frown when I had to explain the game was for the big kids, and try to be content kicking the ball on the sidelines. You can imagine his elation when we found the tiniest pair of soccer cleats (see above) for 50 cents at a garage sale. The day we bought them, he put them on and wore them all day.

At the last practice the siblings were invited to play with the kids. Blake thought he had found heaven. He listened so carefully to the coaches and did exactly what they said. You can see in the above picture how seriously he took lining up with the big kids, getting ready to race to the goal (with his little hands by his sides - aww!).
When they blew the whistle, as you can see Blake smoked the 6 year-olds and was not only the first to dribble to the goal, but made a perfect shot. He turned around and triumphantly shouted, "Mama - I pay socca!" Hmmm...we'll see where that one goes :).

How Does Your Garden Grow?

2010-05-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

Trenton was a little star in his Kindergarten play last week. It was titled "How Does Your Garden Grow?" and Trenton was the Gardener - "Herb." We've been listening to the practice music and lines for a couple of months so Blake, Kali and I have all the words and songs memorized along with Trenton. His teacher is incredible with these little guys and had everything so well rehearsed there was not a single mistake - it's amazing what they're capable of when given the chance.

We were blessed to have Aunt Sandy and Uncle Art attend and we made a special night out of it by going to Texas Roadhouse for dinner.

Getting ready for the big moment. I asked if he was excited for the play and much to Daddy's relief he answered: "Well, kind of but I'm really excited for field day!"

The last track of the play always made me tear up when I think about how precious and important this time is 'growing' our little ones. It was no different during the play:

"How will you do when it's all up to you?
How will you let them know?
Tell me, how will you care? Will you love, will you share?
How does your garden grow?"

Trenton and our beloved Mrs. Roberts. We feel so blessed to be at this school with such an incredible teacher.

Sacketball!

2010-05-02T22:42:00.001-07:00

Our final trip was to Pagosa Springs for a Basketball Tournament. A family we go to church with, the Ross family, lost two of their adult sons in a plane crash and set up a Memorial Basketball Tournament in their name. It raises money for a scholarship to be given out and it's a lot of fun. Steve's team "The Heat" won first place in their division - yea! This is Steve & his good friend and basketball buddy, Russ, displaying the championship jackets.

They had lots of games for the kids - this is Trenton in the shoot-off. The little guy who won only made one out of five baskets, but Trenton shed a few tears after not making any baskets. Tough lesson for my little perfectionist.

The championship team!

Dad's number one fans - with Blake holding his ever loving 'saketball.' The child is absolutely obsessed with basketball - the balls the game, the shorts, you name it - he LOVES it!

Some of the Ross cousins showing their support - this loud, enthusiastic fan base didn't give the other teams a chance. They were hilarious - I'm just glad we were on their team!

We rented out a beautiful home for the weekend with 4 other families with a huge forest to play in. In between games, Shelly (Russ's wife) and I cooked and chatted together, the kids played together, and it was a really nice weekend.

On the way home we stopped at 'Coney Island' in Bailey, CO. We were driving through the beautiful mountains and came upon a hot dog stand shaped like a huge hot dog with a 'boardwalk' next to a river. It was the coolest place and of course we couldn't resist stopping. I guess it's well known and moved from Conifer to Bailey a few years ago, but it was our first trip to it. We'll definately be going back!

Lander!

2010-04-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

The next weekend we had a mini family reunion in Lander WY with the kids other Great Grandpa Poljanec and his three daughters - Mom, Aunt Deb and Aunt Sandy. Steve surprised me at the last minute and said he could come...ok it was past the last minute, I was 30 minutes down the road and he figured out a virus at work, so he jumped in the car with nothing packed and we had an AWESOME weekend with Dad there to help!

We celebrated Aunt Deb's birthday at Grandpa's retirement center. It was the perfect setting for all of us and I think we added some well...spice to the senior center :). Actually the residents were very patient with the kiddos running up and down the hall and the kids seemed to bring lots of smiles and joy to everyone amidst the chaos.

We had so so so much fun - Aunt Deb opened her house to us and didn't even seemed stressed with all 5 of us there keeping her up late at night :). She made us feel very welcome and right at home with lots of love. We also got to see Great Grandma Poljanec in Riverton. We played at the park, went swimming, and got treated to dinner by Aunt Deb and Grandpa. It was just delightful to be with everyone.

On the Road...

2010-04-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

I have out of blogging land for a while due to our EXTENSIVE travels lately. As a family we logged over 3,000 miles of driving in the last month. The kids are pretty good travelers and we've figured out a system for long trips, but I'm glad to be home! We had so much fun on our three trips and the timing just happened to squish three great trips into 4 weeks. Our first trip was to see my family over Spring Break...

We started by spending the night at my Grandma's house in Laramie, where she spoiled us with all of her love and a 'big breakfast' made especially for Trenton. She always made me feel so individually special as a child, and I can't get over how blessed we are to have her doing the same for our children, a generation later, and how it just boosts their little self-esteem.

I-80 opened in time for us to make it to Luke's birthday party that night with Emily and Johnny, Mom & Dad, Anna, Ryker, Luke, Mary & Paul, JeVonne and Raquel. It was a great night.

Kali couldn't wait to hold Raquel!

Of course, Kali counted down the minutes until she and Anna could have Girl Time!!!

On Monday Trenton and Kali stayed with their cousins at Tina and John's house and had a blast, while the rest of us drove to Aunt Adeline's funeral. She was 91 and the last living sibling of the Alley kids, my Grandpa Alley's sister. It was neat going back to my roots and hearing about the Alley Cowboy Compensatory Power. The Alleys grew up on a ranch without much, but all proved very successful in life. My Grandpa, for example, earned his Doctorate and taught at the University of WY. They mentioned how Adeline and all Alley women have 'Compensatory Power' like the horses on the plains that weren't pampered in life, so they grew up to be much stronger and eventually successful than those who were given everything in life.

We saw Anna win first place in the long jump at her track meet - sweet!

And we spent time with Em and Johnny at their beautiful new home. A little cousin love!

We squeezed in a visit to Great Grandpa McDonald, but had to end up limiting our visits as Blake got a ridiculous cough that would last all night long. I was exhausted by the end of the week with no sleep due to his coughing, but don't regret one minute of going out there. Dad and Mom treated us to Chinese food the last night and I looked around thinking how I just didn't want to leave my family. It was a great trip!

Puppy Love

2010-04-21T22:27:00.001-07:00

We welcomed the newest member of our family on Monday, Abby Allen and we are in love! She is a Havanese - the breed of dog we've been planning on getting for years, and for good reason! She is smart, loving, patient with the kiddos, hypo-allergenic, does not shed and really a delight to have around.

I finally gave into a dog for countless reasons, but mainly it's for my children. When asked to draw a picture of their pet in Kindergarten I watched Trenton draw a picture of his 2 fish on his dresser that died a year ago. That made me a bit sad. I read children's reports on "Why I am Lucky" and saw most of them listing a pet. Then there was the well child visit with the pediatrician asking: "And how many pets do you have?" "None," I answer firmly, and she puts her pen down and stares at me... "None? None at all" She studies my face for a minute then says, "Wow." And it went on and on. So when Steve suggested it, I went back and forth on it for months. My plate is pretty full with kiddos, work, volunteering, family/friends and church and I wanted to give her the best home possible. But thanks to lots of help from Steve it's been awesome - and she is so precious!

We love her in our own ways:

Blake - His low manly voice goes up about 3 octaves when he says "Hi Abby, Hi Abby, Hi Abby." He is constantly asking to "pepper" (pet her) and for the most part has been very gentle with her. She changes his tears to a big smile in about 2 seconds. It's magic.

Kali - She thinks her baby has finally arrived and insists on carrying her EVERYWHERE, rocking her, covering her with a blanket when she's asleep, and attending to her every need. I know when Kali has her she will be watched like a hawk (and will have wood chips, etc. taken out of her mouth without a problem). She shows her off like a newborn also, a proud little mama. Calls her Abby Cottonball.

Trenton - In 48 hours Abby already knows him as her playmate and loves to run around the yard with him. I think she's slightly relieved Trenton doesn't care to carry Abby ANYwhere, and he constantly is telling Kali "Just put her down and leave her alone for a minute!"

Mom - My first dog EVER (After being married for 10 years Steve asks: 'did you really not have a dog growing up?!')! After the first sleepless night was rescued by Dad who took came home from work to save the day & help train Mom/Abby in all ways puppy. I am amazed how horrible the first night was (non-stop yelling/barking/yapping missing her family of course) to how well she has now adapted to her crate with a little bit of loving guidance. Didn't hear one little yap in just 24 hours - way to go Abby! Love how my children absolutely light up with her, and love how soft and cuddly she is. Grateful for all the puppy advice from friends and family. Love that she is doing so well with potty training, has taken great to her crate and special room (our pantry with a baby gate & toys to keep her safe and happy when I am otherwise occupied) and love that she loves me. Especially am grateful for Dad asking me to please wake him up so he can get her if he doesn't hear her calling, for the much needed first day 'nap,' taking her to her first vet appt and teaching me in his patient way.

Dad - Taking the lead in an expert way with our new little one. Researching and making the puppy transition delightful. Thank you!!! I loved watching her fall asleep on his chest. As I cannot claim one ounce of this sweetheart as my idea, except that I didn't forcefully put my foot down at the suggestion; I must say father knows best.

Happy Birthday Bro!

2010-03-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

Hey there -

It's been almost two years since you left this earth and I'd like to say life without you has gotten easier, but it hasn't. The pain isn't as sharp or as often, but the longing for you is much, much deeper. In the beginning I used to have a respite of sorrow for a moment and almost forget you were gone, then for some reason it would flood back that you'd died and the grieving process started all over, the pain as fresh as the moment your body was found. Luckily, that's slowed down, too.

I had a tender mercy last fall of realizing I could have not had you in my life and I've tried to change my perspective to being ETERNALLY grateful to have had you as a brother. You always understood me and would talk with me as deep as we could, always understanding each other on the deeper level that I only felt safe going to with a very few people. We were so similar in that way and in the strength of our testimonies and in growing up to live our childhood dreams. I would be a different person if I didn't have someone to share all of that with and I thank Heavenly Father every day for you.

So...here's an update:

I married a good man. He supports my dreams and is very patient with all the things about me that drove you crazy:). He cried at your grave last week. He is such a hard worker and is a rock and leaves the emotional swings up to me. He's doing Biggest Loser at work and has such self control. His back surgery went great and he is a new man - living his dream on the basketball court. I love love love working as a nurse and love putting my patients and their needs first. I work as the charge nurse a lot and we don't take patients now, so on a hard day when I've put out fires all day I'll just ignore everything and start answering call lights so I can be with patients! I am training for a race this summer - and although Anna teases me about my pace, running (jogging, whatever) keeps me happy. I know you like that.

The kids are growing so fast. I love them so very much. Trenton talks about you a lot and I'm surprised at what he remembers - the beach, the planes, playing. When we visited your grave he grabbed a wipe and scrubbed your headstone saying, "Uncle John would like it this way." He wants to fly jets and 'fight for our country against the bad guys' when he grows up. He is a perfectionist and life is black and white to him and I still think you would have understood him better than I do! Darn it. Kali has stopped waving to you up in heaven and I want to bring you all back and let her know you and love you. Thank you for watching over them and if you could help me with an extra dose of understanding when Trenton goes perfectionist on me, I'd appreciate it.

Anna and Luke are doing great. Luke is working so hard. Can you believe he is going to be a daddy?! Have you talked with his son? Anna is super aunt, miss athlete and works hard in school. And if you've ever wanted to give her boyfriend a piece of your mind, don't worry...Dad's gotten the message across loud and clear. He and mom miss you like crazy as you well know, but your son is filling a little piece of their hearts in your temporary absence.

John, your wife is amazing. She is doing such a good job with your little boy and with her life. She's made such huge steps, progressing in her life and in her testimony. I know you're with her. And we are in love with your son! He is so smart and such a good soccer player already. And he already puts things back where he found them! What 18 month old baby does that? (I know what you're saying, "My child, of course.") Trenton kept saying over and over: "He is the cutest little boy in the world!"

We are continuing to go to TAPS events and this year Steve and Trenton will be joining Em & I. TAPS changed my life and I felt strongly they should be part of it while we were there last year. I think it will give Trenton others in his situation, coping skills and a positive environment to celebrate your life. And though I certainly hesitate putting myself in that environment where your absence and life is the subject, there is a new level of healing each time I do it and I walk away a more complete person.

Trenton wanted to put a pinwheel on your grave for your birthday and I wanted to add a balloon. So even though I know you would have thought it was a waste of money...we did it. Yours is a life to be celebrated.

Thank you for your life, for the legacy of faith, hard work and living life to the fullest you left. We love and miss you!!!

Blessed

2010-03-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

True love is coming home from a 12 hour shift to a daughter who has been waiting all day for her mommy to come home. True love is having her silently wrap her sweet little arms around you, squeeze as tight as she can and feel her body shake with giggles of delight for three minutes straight without saying a word, just thrilled to have her mommy back. True love is kissing her sweet little cheeks over and over when she can't wipe the open mouth grin off her face.

I am so blessed.

Ethiopia, here I come...

2010-03-15T20:57:00.000-07:00

I love being enlightened about other cultures and a discussion with a co-worker the other day did just that. This girl was my very hard working nursing assistant, about my age, and had 3 children 6, 4, & 2. We began talking one night I was working and she said she wanted to go home so bad. I asked her where home was and she replied Ethiopia. I ignorantly raised my eyebrows at this, but wanting to know more I asked her why she wanted to go home. And her answer made me drool with jealousy.

Merlan (my Nursing Assistant): Why do I want to go home? Well, because we have servants in Ethiopia. They cost practically nothing and EVERYONE has them.

Me: Seriously? They are just a way of life? No!

Merlan: Oh, yes. No one I grew up with didn't have a servant - it's just how it is.

Me: So you had someone living with you helping with the children, cooking, cleaning-

(she interrupts me)

Merlan: Oh, no, no, no. One servant could not handle all of that...

(At this point any guilt I'd had about not keeping up with laundry, bills, cooking, children, etc began to melt away)

Merlan: You have one to take care of the children, one to do the cleaning and laundry and one to do the cooking. It would be ridiculous to have one person trying to do all of that.

(Ridiculous is exactly the word I would use for it too!!!)

Merlan: And you live near your family so everyone helps everyone. It is so wonderful. I miss it so much. When we go back we save up and try to visit for 3-4 months. You certainly can't make make money over there like you can here. (Yes, there is that minor detail)

Me: Hmmm...so tell me something. My husband has hired housekeepers to come a few times and every time they come I am torn between how guilty I feel for having them there and how absolutely wonderful it is. I shouldn't be feeling guilty, should I?

Merlan: Are you kidding me?! Don't you feel another ounce of guilt! A few times in 10 years of marriage - that is nothing! We have help every minute of every day. You need more help!

I think I was beginning to drool with jealousy at this point - fully aware of what I would not have in Ethiopia, and of course being very grateful to be in America - simply imagining for a teensy minute that most beautiful aspect of Ethiopia my eyes had been opened to. Wow. Just imagine.

Well, I'm off to mop the floor, put away 3 loads of laundry and take out the trash for trash day tomorrow, since the kids are finally in bed (done by yours truly) and the meals are cleaned up and leftovers put away (yes, also done by myself).

Ethiopia's sounding nice.

Goodnight.

A Day in the Life...

2010-03-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine had a post I loved, showing a day in the life of their family. She chose the 15th of every third month just to give a snapshot of what a typical day looks like for them. I loved the idea, because although the days seem very monotonous, unglamorous, and very much the same, I am realizing how brief this time is with my little ones and how I'll look back and 'miss' those days. But really I am planning 'reminiscing' not so much missing. Kind of like college days - I really don't miss finals week. At all. I 'reminisce' and love that I loved that time then but appreciate where I am now.

So here we go.

The day started with a nicer than average breakfast - Eggo waffles and Morningstar veggie patties (aka sausage), and oranges. A bit pricey, but with Costco's help they're closer-to-reasonable & getting a full serving of veggies in at breakfast makes me smile.

And Blake in his cute jammies that make me want to kiss him all over:

Next for mommy - my favorite oatmeal ever. Yum.

Steve leaves for work around 8:45 which leaves him time to love and play with the kiddos in the morning and to lend a helping hand hand breaking up a quarrel or changing a diaper helping me out MUCHO!

Saying good bye with hugs and kisses for Daddy.

It was President's Day so there was no school. We invited a favorite neighbor of ours over to play. Both the kiddos adore her and have a blast with her here.

Movie time with popcorn.

Nap time for Blake after lunch (I have no idea what we had...right before naptime is just like right before dinner time for some reason - pure chaos leading up to peace).

A little Chutes and Ladder guidance.

Squeezing in a couple loads of this.

And of course a load of that.

Steve surprised us and came home for lunch. That is one downside to having moved farther away from Oralabs - we see him much less frequently for lunches :(. Or maybe it's because he comes home to things like this - a plugged disposal on this particular day. It's moments like this he is always grateful he came home for lunch.

For some reason real live carrots taste much better to me than baby carrots - Steve doesn't quite get why I'd prefer peeling every carrot I eat to the convenience of baby carrots, but I'd do it in a heartbeat every time. They're just plain better. Steve is starting 'Biggest Loser' at his work and I promised him I'd have a big container of carrots peeled and ready to eat. For some reason I was sure this time the disposal could handle the peels from 3 lbs of carrots. Well, it handled them as well as last time...

And yes, we ended up taking apart the pipes under the sink. OK - he did, but I handed him everything and cleaned up after so it was still a team effort. Steve saves us so much $ with his handyman skills. I love it.

So then Steve went back to where he could take a rest from all this - work.

After Blake woke up we went to the gym - I am training for the Wasatch Back in June and trying to teach myself to run again. Thank goodness for the free childcare here! It is my sanity!

Then off to piano lessons.

Then home to make dinner. Blake loves to help. He gets very angry if he doesn't get to help. I love his two year old help and just try to remember it won't last long.

I had flown in the night before (Valentine's Day) from Seattle so we had to postpone our special Family Valentine's Day Dinner to tonight. We had as much red as I had the energy to come up with - spaghetti sauce, strawberry milk, tomatoes (on the salad), and some heart marshmallows on top of pudding for dessert. I know, I know. Hopefully I'll do better in years to come.

We had our FHE - which the kids will NOT let us miss and I love that. Blake cracks us up - after every part of FHE he shouts "TREATS" and runs to the kitchen.

Opening Song

"TREATS!" (races to the kitchen - we call him back)

Prayer

"TREATS!" (races off)

Special Musical Number

"TREATS!" (races off)

etc,

I love that boy.

There is so much to teach them in such a short amount of time. Steve and I made a list of what we wanted them to be taught this year and did a rough draft of FHE's for the year and where to find the lessons. It's made it a lot easier and we feel like we are teaching them the things that are important to us. The nights of "Sunday Videos" for FHE are fewer and farther between, but definitely still an option when sheer exhaustion sets in!

Then stories, teeth brushed, jammies, prayers and BED! Steve set up the bunk bed and moved the boys together a week earlier - of course on a night when I wasn't home to put them to bed. I was working. It was sooner than I would have moved Blake (2 yrs and 1 month) but he's done great! He just loves being with his big brother.

After the kids went to bed I think I watched 19 Kids and Counting (Michelle Duggar is one of my role models) and The Suze Orman Show (my favorite is 'Can I afford It?' segment).

And then I crashed, ready to do it all again tomorrow!

For a moment...

2010-02-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I had the privilege of reuniting with 3 of my college roommates in Seattle for Jeanette's sealing. With the names of Julie, JeVonne, Jamie and Jeanette, we called ourselves the J Crew. We had other fabulous roommates live with us throughout the years, some with J names, but the 4 of us started in our freshman ward together and lived together until we started getting married - ok, I started getting married.

Tickets were purchased, Sandy and Art and my dear friend Heather agreed to help with the little ones, Valentine's boxes were made for parties I'd miss, prayers were offered for Steve's survival, and talks were written to be given without me :(. Leaving was harder than ever, but when I walked into the airport to catch my flight...I was ready and excited.

JeVonne & Uncle Bill picked me up from the airport that night - always a sweet reunion. We made plans for the next few days and agreed upon going to go to water aerobics the next morning with Bill and Diane - it's easy on Aunt Diane's back and very fun. We were on the younger end and only got a few glares from the Grandmas brought on by Uncle Bill's incessant splashing as hard as he could at anyone he knew, especially Aunt Diane. This continued even after she reminded him these ladies paid to get their hair done once a week, honey, please be careful. If anything he picked up the pace on thoroughly soaking all of us. After a delightful nap, Jamie joined us at Bill and Diane's and we discussed at length how to fit in a very kind offer from Bill and Diane to take us to Cheesecake Factory (which we managed to fit in the next day between a HUGE mushroom-pepper-omelet -hashbrown-canadian-bacon-french toast-feast at 11 and a gourmet sit down dinner reception peel & eat shrimp-chicken cordon bleu-beans-rice-cupcakes-sugar cookies at 7. Yes, we gorged ourselves).

Friday night we had soup and pizza at Jeanette's house with her friends and family that had flown in. We tried to make ourselves useful helping anywhere we could and ended up working on the seating chart with Jeanette. It was quite an undertaking that Jeanette pulled off beautifully. But the later it got, the more we were transported back to our college days...

For a moment we were on the bed; it was a late night with a big day ahead of us, but it didn't stop us from living in the moment, putting aside the pain the morning wake up would bring. Believing that 4 brains was better than one, laughing our heads off and talking ourselves into circles with it all making complete sense at the time. Each taking turns with a productive thought at 11:30 at night, rarely at the same time, but knowing productivity was only part of the goal. And it all reminding us of so many nights together, 10 years ago.

Jeanette asked us to perform a special little number at the reception - anything for the bride - so we proceeded to blast "All the Single Ladies" by Beyonce, practicing moves our husbands would have been thrilled with, and playing the music video over and over again. You're welcome to take a look at it on You Tube to get the whole picture:

We were laughing so hard tears were coming. Forgetting there were sleeping children in the house. Planning on picking up leotards and heels to perform at the reception. Throwing all pride out the window. And for a moment becoming 19 again, going crazy with your best girlfriends and not caring an ounce. After one hour of practicing I think we had about 4 of Beyonce's moves down. It's harder than it looks people.

We went home late that night (or early that next morning, however you look at it) and thought a little snack sounded good. Bill and Diane put out a spread of fruit, veggies, hummus, crackers, cheese, etc and for a moment we shared our lives. Reflected on relationships, blessings, trials, finances, children, houses, etc until 3:30 in the morning. I remembered how much I learn from these girls. How every time we're together we come away stronger, wiser and happier.

I laid down that night and in a moment (and with a big smile) realized there was no 6:45 wake up from little children needing, needing, needing. No daily tasks to set about doing: breakfast, dishes, diapers, laundry. A break. And when that much anticipated wake up moment came and I could do whatever I chose at whatever time I wanted...

I missed my little ones.

We were able to attend Jeanette and Zack's beautiful sealing the next day and I reflected on the words of their sealer (JeVonne's Grandpa Dance). And for a moment I pictured John and Emily kneeling across the altar, and was reminded that life is but a moment in the eternal scheme of things. And I was reminded how blessed I am to have John for a brother and the bond we'll always have, and how blessed I am to have Emily for a sister-in-law and how I had no idea at the time of their sealing how much our relationship would come to mean to me. But especially of how eternal John and Em's bond is.

I listened to the sealers words about being a man with dishpan hands, being a mother who recognizes how quickly time goes with your little ones and making good decisions about being with them. And for a moment I was transported back to my own sealing and how naively I looked across the altar, simply madly in love, and had no idea what a blessing in my life this man would become. The words of this wise sealer meant so much more now. I looked at this new couple and thought of how the past ten years had refined and strengthened my marriage, and was grateful for the fabulous decision I made!

The reception that night was gorgeous - it was a sit down dinner with dancing afterwards. The three of us had the privledge of seating people, which proved to be an adventure as none of us knew anyone or any background. We put on our very best host faces and really enjoyed getting to know Jeanette's delightful friends and family.

And in case you're wondering how "All the Single Ladies" went, we did not disappoint (well except maybe for Aunt Diane, who after all our talking it up, really thought there would be a choreographed performance):

And the dip - yes folks, the nominated "dipper" was Jamie who is 8 months pregnant. Hence the assistance being provided in this next shot.

A quick phone call home to see how everyone was managing revealed Steve and the kids had gone to the gym and played soccer & basketball and Trenton learned how to climb the climbing wall. They then went to Red Robin for dinner, came home, built a fort and watched 'Up' together. It sounded like they were just barely getting by without me.

The next day we wanted to help Jeanette get on her honeymoon quickly so we went over to their apartment to make it spic and span after the chaotic week of the wedding. Poor Zack looked at us like we were crazy when we offered to clean their apartment (they had been married for 6 weeks - he is a convert so they got married so his family could be a part of it, then got sealed after he'd been a member for a year.) I'm supposed to let who do what?! Jeanette looked pulled between her poor confused husband and her roommate/sisters who did this for each other all the time - this is just what we do for each other!-, but after compromising and promising to leave their room alone we got the key! It's always easier to clean someone else's house and we were all transported back to our college days and our differing levels of tidiness. JeVonne makes sure to kindly compliment me on how I've improved over the years, but I know deep down I'll never be a Jamie :).

I caught my flight home and couldn't wait to see my babies and my man. I'll never forget the kids running to greet me at the airport, in their footed jammies, in the freezing cold. I was surprised with homemade Valentines, beautiful flowers and a spotless house (that part wasn't so surprising - Steve is so good about having the kiddos help 'clean for mom').

Love you girls!!! Thank you for the moments!

One of Those Days

2010-02-15T23:28:00.000-08:00

My Grandma came down to visit last weekend and we had a wonderful time. At the last minute we decided to go to the park and enjoy some sun before the next days predicted snowstorm. Then we decided to take off Trenton's training wheels and see how he did. He is such a cautious boy; up to this point he's refused to take off the training wheels, but lately every time I've watched him ride down the street I've noticed his training wheels don't touch the ground so I knew he was ready. He told us there was no way he could do it, but when we arrived at the park he became very brave and took off with his Daddy right next to him without a problem. We were as proud as when he took his first steps :).

The kids had a blast playing together at the park, and the day was that much more special since we had Great-Grandma there with us. It was one of those days.

The Dare

2010-02-08T19:16:00.000-08:00

Blake and I were home together the other afternoon and looked out our back window to see this beauty sitting peacefully and munching away at some grass. It was so majestic and I always forget how big deer are until I am at close range. We have so many deer that visit our backyard. Their little gifts are everywhere. In fact earlier that day my friend asked if we had a deer "problem" in our backyard. And here he was.

It stood up and stared at me for a long time, and I know exactly what it was trying to tell me:

"Go ahead. Try to plant a garden this summer. I dare you."

My Baby

2010-01-31T23:16:00.000-08:00

Is our baby really two? I just keep saying, "How did I forget what a delightful age this is?" (to which I promptly get the answer: You're not due with the next one in a month for the first time!) Blake has been an absolute delight and blessing in our family - I loved celebrating this little guy's birth. We had the Norris family over and had Baked Ziti and Death by Chocolate Cake which just happens to be Mommy AND Blake's favorite cake.

Opening Grandma and Grandpa's present with a little help from big sister.

And this next one is my favorite face :). I suppose he has an idea of how great money is from his big brother. He opens these cards and says: "Card! Money!"

"Money?"

"Money!"

At two years old:

*Blake still mainly speaks with one word sentences, but very efficient words. Steve took Trenton & Kali to a play date and Blake stayed home with me, looking rather dejected. He asked:

"Trenton?"

"He went to play."

"Kali?"

"She went to play."

He put his little hand on his chest, pouted his little lip and said, "Blake?" Ohhhh.

*Blake likes to know where everyone is asking for everyone's story by name. "Daddy? Work. Trenton? School," etc.

*He asks for five very specific things at bed time & nap time: "Song? Blanky? Fan? Bear? Book?" When I tuck him in he has a scared little look, but clings to his blanky and bear and bravely falls asleep.

*His favorite song is "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam"

*He was a light eater for the first 23 1/2 months of his life but his appetite is incredible lately. He ate 7 bowls of cereal the other morning and 5 servings of Ziti on his birthday!

*He loves when his big sister 'babies' him. Pushes his stroller, puts a blanket on him, changes his (wet only) diaper. He relaxes his body and gets this little content 'being taken care of' smile on his face.

*Loves it when I whistle at him after he gets dressed - he does this little dance and turns in a circle.

*Loves to wear hats

*Is extremely brave & adventurous and has lately taken up jumping from high furniture without a second thought and loves to ride on Daddy's shoulders without hands

*Wrinkles his little nose when he makes a joke.

*Raises his eyebrows so high we think they'll come off his little forehead

*Pouts his lip when he gets sad

*Pours his drinks into his plate of food constantly when we are not looking and throws food, forks, balls, valuables across the room (and has a great arm and impeccable aim) and smiles when we get after him. Although the tears come at time out

*Loves BALLS!

*Has the loudest, lowest voice we've ever heard in a two year old

*Loves to play with his big sister, especially razzling (wrestling) and airplane

*Gives me this look that melts his Mama's heart all day long - I love this boy! We were so prompted to have him when I did NOT feel ready for another one. He is absolute proof that Heavenly Father has the eternal perspective. He has been such a blessing to so many to love and be loved by since John died. Thank goodness he was sent when he was.

My Piano Man

2010-01-28T22:11:00.000-08:00

Trenton had his first piano recital this month. I guess it's a landmark date as the first recital/performance of any of our children, the first of many to come. Trenton really seems to enjoy his lessons. He often practices unsolicited and just plays for enjoyment. I just love watching him grow a love for music. He had a blast at the recital - today he said, "I can't wait to have another one of those nights where everyone plays their special, picked out music pieces and plays them. That was awesome!"

I attribute this comment to a few things, mainly his teacher's wisdom:

1. The Ice Cream bar at the end to celebrate. He raved about this for days.

2. She divide her students into two groups, so there were only 7-8 students to sit through. The whole things lasted 45 minutes, perfect for the student's attention span.

3. He played his numbers flawlessly. Thank goodness. The final practice before the recital was rough, to say the least. It went something like this:

Trenton: "Mom, I can't play this 'piano' like it says!!! Our piano won't let me do it!" with tears streaming down his face. Our piano was a generous gift, but is not quite as sensitive to the touch as his teacher's (which cost more than any of her cars!), so when he tries to play quietly the strings are not always hit, therefore no sound is emitted.

Me: "Well, honey maybe you could just practice it mezzo-forte and then at the recital play it quietly."

T: "WHAT?! Are you kidding me? It does not say mezzo-forte here; it says piano! How can I practice it middle when it say SOFT! Do you not know this? Mom!"

M: "Honey you play all the notes perfectly, you can just play it quietly during the recital."

T:"Mom! This is NOT PERFECT! Middle is not perfect! Augh!" At this point writhing on the bench, red faced with tears streaming away.

So you can see why I was a little nervous, to say the least, when his turn at the piano came. But thank goodness for lots of practicing and for a very expensive piano that plays 'piano' at the right level for my little boy. The night was a success.

The Birthday Girl

2010-01-24T20:16:00.000-08:00

Our little Kali girl turned 4 years old on New Years Eve. We had two parties for her - a family party attended by Aunt Sandy and Uncle Art and a friend party a couple weeks later after the holidays :).Of course every birthday starts with breakfast in bed! Kali requested pancakes, peaches, sausage, hot cocoa and OJ. She was so excited the night before and in the morning was giggling under the covers awaiting the big moment.

Our friends took us to the Museum of Nature and Science downtown the day of her birthday - one of our favorite places to be. I always get a kick out of this display - your image is captured while walking across a walkway then played over and over. We got 7 of us in this shot (from R to L)- Christi, Trenton, Kali, James, Blake, me and Michael.

That evening Sandy and Art joined us for dinner and a birthday celebration. Kali chose tacos and fruit smoothies for dinner. I've wanted to try out making an ice cream cake & I thought Kali's b-day was the perfect time- it turned out yummy and was pretty simple. Very fun!Her gift from us was a kitchen. This was truly a tender mercy. I had wanted to get Kali a kitchen for her birthday, but they are so darn expensive! Steve's CEO has been so generous to us and given us MANY hand-me-downs. The week before Christmas Steve came home with this - I was thrilled we could give it to Kali for her birthday! She loved it along with her brothers. We have been so blessed by people's generosity.

A couple weeks later we had Kali's Heart Party. She has wanted a ballerina party for months, but in December she announced she wanted a heart party. I asked her why and she replied, "Because I just love everyone! Like my family and Jesus and Heavenly Father! So I want a heart party!" Oh how I love that girl.She invited 4 friends & her brothers and we painted, played games, had dinner and opened gifts. She got her first My Little Pet Shop and My Little Pony. Oh my! Is it that time already?The Party:

Blake, Trenton, Bailey (our neighbor and Kali's little buddy), Kali, Crew, Brooke & Mesia.

A few tidbits about this little 4 year old of ours:

* She will only wear dresses. The pant/dress fight started a year ago; I made her alternate every other day, etc. when I finally realized it doesn't matter. If she wants to wear dresses so be it! We have been blessed with many hand-me-down dresses. I am not extremely worried if something happens to them, so let her wear them. I fought to make her wear tights too, but lately she can't stand the feel of them on her legs. So if it's a blizzard, oh well. She's a little cold. The only bummer is those really cute jeans from Children's Place I actually bought (I rarely buy them clothes thanks to much generosity) are just sitting in her closet :)

*She loves, loves, loves to help. With anything. At anytime. Thank you Heavenly Father.

*She always has to be moving, talking, or playing. It kills her to be quiet in the car so Blake can fall asleep on the way home from dropping off Trenton at school. She squirms like she's going to burst. This has not changed since birth :).

*She has to sleep without a blanket at night so her legs can feel "fresh." She also has to have the hall light on and her door open.

*She can eat as much as her brothers - her nickname is "The Very Hungry Kali-pillar"

*Her favorite foods are macaroni and cheese, cantaloupe, smoothies and anything sweet!

*She is extremely bright in the common sense department and certainly the mastermind of mischievous. She is often heard whispering things to her brothers she knows will get them into trouble. We know the three of them have collaborated on something, because the boys have done the deed and Kali stands in the background grinning away. Thinking she's innocent. It is always her idea. It would not cross Trenton's mind to plot a bad behavior. (but I do like seeing her little complex thoughts)

*She has an incredible memory of events and especially books.

*She is so fast. I'll ask the kids to get ready for the day and Kali's done in about two minutes, dressed with socks and shoes on, room picked up, and helping Blake find clothes, while Trenton is standing in his jammies figuring out the circumference of the moon or something. Once again thank you Heavenly Father.

*She ADORES babies. And asked Steve and I tonight if we were pregnant. If you're wondering the answer is NO. The kids have been asking so much about another baby lately I finally told them we can have another one, but mommy will be very sick for a long time. They will have to help clean & cook and I won't be able to play as much. They have stopped asking :)

* She has a heart of gold and a sensitive little spirit. When she gets in trouble she states, "Mom you don't like me anymore," with great big tears running down her cheeks. Which of course breaks my heart. If only she knew how much I adored her.

*She loves to play games with her brothers and is very patient with her older brother's...shall we say controlling, perfectionist ways. She tries to talk things out with him and show him a more 'flexible' way of thinking.

*She loves to 'razzle' her daddy and get rides on his feet.

*She is very compassionate and in tune to when people need help.

I thank Heavenly Father every day for this ray of sunshine in our home. We had a Mommy-fun day last week and got our hair cut and went out for ice cream. She talks about it all the time. It was delightful spending time with my little girl.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart!

Our Excellent Christmas in Seattle

2010-01-18T21:04:00.000-08:00

I've heard it said that the definition of excellence is doing ordinary things in an extraordinary manner. That definition summed up our visit to Seattle - it was in incredible 10 days being with Bill & Diane and the kiddos. They most certainly have a way of turning the ordinary into extraordinary. There were 23 of us under one roof for 10 days and it was DELIGHTFUL!

We started off the week throwing a bridal shower for my friend and old college roommate, Jeanette. She lives in Seattle and got married there and I was thrilled to play a small part in the festivities. There is nothing like keeping up with past friends and college roommates and watching life unfold for each other. JeVonne is so much a part of who I am today and what my life is - I adore her and still look up to her. Diane was gracious enough to let us have the shower at her house even with the crowds coming in that night and the next day. A trip was planned for the boys and the kiddos to Kids Quest which was free on Friday nights. It was one of a whole week's worth of free events Diane had researched. She's so good. We had a crepe bar at the shower and got to meet all of Jeanette's incredible friends.

This was also the day the 24 hour bug started with Trenton. He threw up and felt miserable for a day and it hit me that night. Unfortunately it spread to EVERY SINGLE person in the house one by one except Diane, Shane and Kali before the 10 days was over. Bummer. But the McDonalds aren't really complainers so everybody just endured a day of it and then got back to life. Still I felt so guilty as I watched each person come down with it since it started with the Allens! Darn it!

This is Sommer helping make crepes the night of the shower. I am so grateful for this girl in my life. She has been such a good friend to me - she was the first other "in-law" after me and I've always felt a special place in my heart for her. She is pretty much amazing at everything she does and moves so fast! I just love her.

This is why they call them "grand-mothers." A few of us had gathered around the piano and were singing Christmas songs and the little kiddos didn't quite know what to do. Well Diane whipped out a box of instruments for the kids and they marched and marched around the pool table, just singing away with us. It was so cute.

One of our activities was a hike in Cougar Mountain. It was sooo beautiful! And green. And warm (compared to CO). The kids were in heaven.

We thought these tress looked like something out of a Dr Suess book.

We were blessed to visit another family from our college days - Don &Tara from BYU-Hawaii. We became family on the little island of Oahu - it's awesome to watch our families grow together. Mason and Trenton are the same age and Kennedy and Kali are just a year apart. Their little Ryker missed this shot, but he reminded me so much of Mason as a baby in Hawaii. The kids had a blast playing together and we loved catching up.

We laughed at the similarities of our life experiences. One thing we had in common was how MUCH we enjoyed little Ryker and Blake - loved every single minute with those boys. Was it that as third time mothers we were more relaxed, they are good natured babies, or we just realize how very fast that precious baby stage goes? Probably a mix of all three.

After a few days, Kali insisted on calling Aunt Diane 'Nona' and Uncle Billy 'Papa' like all the other grandkids. She is such a little people person and certainly recognizes love when she gets so much of it from those two! I love how Aunt Diane always takes time to read to our little ones, no matter how busy she is.

Uncle Billy giving a little love to Blake William. Uncle Bill took Trenton under his wing and Trenton felt like a million bucks. I'll never forget swimming laps with Trenton on his back across the pool or teaching him how to play foosball out in the garage. He was his little buddy. Bill and Diane are some of the hardest workers I know. Bill comes home from a day at the dental office and plunges into changing diapers, wiping noses, doing dishes without catching his breath. He stayed up playing with us until 2 or 3 in the morning and then spent 14 hours at church as the bishop of his ward. And Diane doesn't stop - the only times she puts her feet up is when she's reading to the kiddos.

We went caroling on Christmas Eve and it was a party!

On the way back we took a 'sleigh ride' in Papa's truck and belted out Christmas songs for the neighborhood.

Christmas Eve consisted of the 'flannel board nativity' narrated by Trenton. As the two and three year olds placed their characters on the flannel board Trenton kept looking down saying, "You've got to be kidding me! This is a disaster!" Then he tried to correct it all. He finished the program by declaring, "That was the most greedy putting up I've ever seen!" (refering to the kids taking characters from each other) and threw down his paper and marched off. Where does the type A come from? Not me. Not his dad.

We did a hadbell choir - I LOVE those....maybe we'll put handbells on our Santa list for next year :) We had an incredible Christmas Eve feast for 23 people with one amazing factor. Almost no one was in the kitchen before the feast. Diane had done so much of the cooking beforehand the day of was stress free and enjoyed by all. Ordinary things in an extraordinary way.

And finished up with a grand nativity! (with a little rigging of the drawing to let Kali be Mary as she'd dreamt about it for about 2 months)

Us 'kids' all lined up on the stairs for Christmas morning.

And Santa was generous! We felt so s-p-o-i-l-e-d! All the in-laws got some nice Huskie wear.

Trenton recieved his much anticipated Live Butterfly Pavillion he's wanted since they hatched butterflies in Miss Stacy's preschool. He was a little bummed when I told him he had to wait to grow the butterflies until sping, so we could ethically release them.

Kali got ballerina shoes, but her real delight over Christmas was...

mothering baby Don (8 weeks old) and baby Raquel (4 months old). She asked to be with those babies from the minute she woke up until she laid her head down at night. She held, protected, rocked, sang, & cuddled these babies to no end.

The kids had a blast with cousins, aunts and uncles. They were all so patient and loving with the kids, and Kali grew especially close to "Baby Don's mom" (as her world revolved around the babies, everyone else was referred to in relation to them of course). Marielle listened and taught her so patiently as Kali followed her everywhere trying to get a moment with Don.

We had some fantastic tournaments - the brackets included pickle ball, pool, and ping pong. There was a McDonalds kids vs. Outlaws basketball game- we won (the in-law outlaws)!!! And of course a night of Whirly Ball. This game is a blast! Bumper car basketball with wiffle balls. Oh my it is fun. The other night I adored was when Bill and Diane sent the couples to do a session at the temple and braved putting the grandkids to bed together. There was such a special spirit in the session with all the siblings together. When we got home Bill was spinning in the kitchen fixing a gourmet seafood feast. It was incredible. It felt like heaven on earth!

So yes, we cried all the way to the airport and coming home to this 'quiet' house was hard. Trenton siad, "Wow, I have to get used to this house again." It was a delightful Christmas in Seattle!

An Update

2010-01-09T21:48:00.000-08:00

I've had many people ask how the husband from the cath lab is doing. When I came to work Thursday I was thrilled to see I got to take care of him!!! He had made it through surgery, through 3 days in the ICU, and was now in my hands :). His wife came in and saw me and screamed and threw her arms around me - "Julie!" I did the same to her. It was a sweet reunion. He had an external pacemaker due to the damage done to his heart and the day I cared for him he got a permanent pacemaker. 4 of his vessels were 98% occluded and when he arrested he had to be shocked 4 times, so I called him the Miracle Man all day. Unfortunately he felt the last two shocks and is suffering a bit of PTSD, but he and his wife were beyond grateful he was alive. He had an out of body experience - he was in his 30's standing above his body watching himself be shocked. His wife said - "We brought you back. They didn't want you up there yet." He was walking well, talking well and slowly beginning to feel human again. It was an awesome day. I love my job.

Be My Life's Companion

2010-01-03T17:12:00.000-08:00

(Warning: long post, more of a journal entry, so grab a drink :))

I am at the hospital writing this post from work. I have always felt privledged to be at the most difficult and most joyful crossroads in life of my patients and their families. I so often see the best of human nature come out during difficult situations and my perspective is clearer and my gratitude increased after a day at work. Today pulled on my heartstrings as I watched three couples faced with the prospect of losing a spouse - all in very different ways and different timeframes, yet with the same profoundness that comes from losing a soulmate.

I went down to the cafeteria for breakfast and "Code Blue - Cath Lab" was called. It means a respitory or cardiac arrest has occured - someone has stopped breathing and/or their heart has stopped beating. My stomach always drops when this is called - especially in the Cath Lab where there is an MD with a wire up a vessel in a heart - and the heart doen't like being tickled and stops beating...dang it. The cashier asked how my day was going and I said "great, until I heard that called." The lady across the register looked at me and said, "My husband went to the Cath Lab 1/2 hour ago." Oh boy. The tears started streaming down her face and I took her arm, walked her to a table and called the Cath Lab, sure it could not be her husband. After I convinced the cath Lab that I needed info on the Code Patient ASAP-as I was holding the wife's hand I got to deliver the news - it was him. His heart had stopped during the procedure. She sucked in a deep breath when I told her he was awake and we walked to the ICU. When we got there they paged an anesthesiologist (bad bad sign), then called another "Code Blue - Cath Lab," he was coding again. Really, there is a reason those are supposed to be in C-O-D-E - to avoid the situation of the unknown for the family and she was hearing it play by play - yuck. I turned her over to his (& her) nurse and walked back to my patients. They intubated him and he is in 4 vessel open heart surgery as I write this.

I came back to the floor and our house supervisor was telling us about a critical patient in the ICU. This was a 36 year old woman who had just emergently delivered twins via c-section. Her liver ruptured during the labor because she had high blood pressure and labor and high BP don't mix well at all. She had been in and out of surgery multiple times to stop the bleeding and at this time was open from "sternum to bottom" with her liver being packed in the ICU. She has two other children, these 2 lb twins in the NICU and they don't expect her to make it. They are from India and have no family here. Her husband is working on flying in her mother while taking care of the other two children and staying with his wife as much as possible.

Today I was blessed to care for a 61 year old female who was diagnosed with early onset dementia with Parkinsonian features 7 years ago. Her husband has been her primary caregiver and has managed to care for her at home until this past week. He had someone come in 6 hours a day to help, but even with the assistance it became more than he could handle. I walked into this patient's room this morning and thought I had the wrong room - the lady laying in the bed couldn't have been more than 40 years old and absolutely lit up the room with her smile and demeanor. She was stunningly beautiful with perfect wrinkle free olive skin. I began to talk to her and it quickly became apparent how advanced the dementia was. She incoherantly repeated what I said, nodding and smiling the whole time. I could understand about 1 word out of 5, but was amazed at how she noticed everything that was going on in the room. Her husband called three times that morning to check on her; when he came in I witnessed and heard the rest of the story. Their love story.

I mentioned how beautiful she was and he proceeded to tell me how beautiful she was on the inside. He said everything she touched turned to gold - she could do it all. Her paintings hung in their home, she was an athlete and a natural at every sport she tried, her cooking was no less than gourmet, she had the voice of an angel, she sang and he played the guitar. They served in church together and she worked as the seceratary there. All of this with just a high school education. He couldn't count the number of times whe was out serving someone - cleaning a house or cooking a meal, and he said everyone in their congregation said she was the first person who greeted them and made them feel welcome. I watched therapists, doctors and nursing aides enter the room and they walked out with a joyful, lit up face as they left. She was still working her magic - she spread the light of Christ to all those she met even without words to communicate. She was still an incredible woman. His tears began to flow as he told me of her diagnosis and how hard the first few years were when she understood what was happening to her and what it would entail for him. How sleepless nights with her sobbing contributed to his chronic fatigue syndrome. How the last two weeks had gotten so difficult for him, emotionally and physically. How he was working with a nursing home to transfer her there and called 6 neighbors for help getting her in the car to no avail. The nursing home finally advised him to call an ambulance to take to here to Sky Ridge and how after the ambulance drove away with his love he couldn't stop sobbing. But he told all this to me in the hall away from her ears that probably understand more than we know. He said he'd waited as long as he could to take this next step he'd been dreading. I could only cry with him.

He sat at her bedside and opened Christmas cards with her - they laughed and joked about each one together. He made sure she would be given a snack that night, as "we were late night snackers - usually popcorn. Or homemade cookies - she made the best." I didn't doubt that - of course she did. I thought of the popcorn Steve and I had shared the night before. He ordered her favorite food for dinner - shrimp, garlic pasta and asparagus - and sat by her side cutting it and joyfully feeding each bite to her. I walked in during dinner and was audience to him serenading his girl with tears in his eyes. I vaguely recognized the tune and looked at the TV screen to see the title - "Be My Life's Companion." He knew every word, but the words certainly took on new meaning for me at that moment, as they had for him over the last 7 years.

I started this post yesterday (Friday) and now it is Saturday. For her husband, the past two days have been filled with insurance obstacles, determining level of care and all those other unfair details situations like this entail. The time came today to transfer her to the nursing home. As the medics loaded her on the stretcher and wheeled her out of the room, my nurses aide, her husband and I stood in the empty room together. Then the sobs began. He stepped to the other side of the room and heaved with heartache. I can usually maintain some degree of professional control, but I lost it. I covered my mouth to hide my gasps for air and mouthed to my aide, "I can't do this." Why not? Is it because I have been loved to that depth or because I love that deeply? Either way I felt blessed to have experienced love that would bring that level of heartache. He held me or I held him, crying together and he whispered in my ear, "It wouldn't be so hard if she weren't so wonderful."

I think my nurses aide put it into words for me, "They have completely changed my outlook on life. That is what true love is."

I suppose it was more than just another day at work - if you made it to the end, thanks for letting me share.

Big Breakfasts

2009-12-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

Whenever we ask little Trenton what he wants to be when he grows up he replies, "A firefighter." Which in and of itself is a noble profession, but the first time he said that I was slightly surprised and asked why. He got a big grin on his face and said, "because they make big breakfasts!" He has a video about firefighters and it shows how they cook for each other at the firehouse. One meal they show is a breakfast of eggs, hashbrowns, sausage and toast. For two years now this has been his aspiration - to be a firefighter so he can get a big breakfast. This little boy LOVES a good breakfast and a couple things he's said to me this week have cracked me up.

This past summer we stayed at the La Quinta during a wedding where they do have exceptionally good, hot breakfasts. He thinks it is absolute heaven, because I let the little guy go to town when we're there - anything he wants: sausage, eggs, waffles, muffins, juice, sugar cereal, fruit, you name it, he eats it. I think he dreams about it, and whenever we pass a hotel he shouts out, "Look a hotel! Can we stay, Mom? Please?" Today he opened a Christmas card with $5 from Choo-choo Grandma and ran it up to his piggy bank. I asked what he was saving it for and he replied, "To stay in a hotel...so I can have their big breakfast!"

When we flew home from Seattle yesterday (more to come on that trip), the pilot let him sit in the cockpit, push buttons and make an announcement to the plane. He came back to our seat just glowing and I asked him if he wanted to fly planes when he grew up. He pursed his lips together and slowly said, "Well, I bet they have big breakfasts at the airport before they fly, so yes...I could do that when I grow up."

Little Piece of Heaven

2009-12-22T23:40:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had an unexpected piece of heaven - you plan something and have no idea how wonderful it could turn out. We did that the other night by planning an FHE with some of our dear friends. We had a delicious chili dinner, made gingerbread 'graham cracker houses,' and had a little musical Christmas presentation/sing-a-long. And for some reason during a busy holiday season, everything slowed down for a night, the stars aligned and it was heaven. Maybe it was using the 'other' side of our brain, the creative, musical side and giving the planning-stressing-cleaning-coordinating side a rest. Maybe it was the surprising delight & peace present with ten children and parents building gingerbread houses. Or the beauty of watching our little one's musical talents develop and unfold. Or perhaps simply being with friends who are more like family, who have been at the major & minor crossroads of life, walking side-by-side through the hills and valleys with each other and making it possible to not only survive, but thrive during this adventure we call life. We bring different talents and skills to the table make a complete circle of care, concern, and friendship. And that night it was complete. Perfect. A little piece of heaven.

6:57 a.m.

2009-12-15T16:56:00.000-08:00

Every. Single. Morning.

This is when Blake, my alarm clock, goes off each morning. Without fail. No weekend sleep-ins, no pressing snooze. It does not matter if the child goes to bed at 7:30 or 10:00 - the consequence is not a different wake-up time simply a different level of grumpiness for him throughout the day. The consequence of "snooze" (letting Trenton get him out of the crib and putting a pillow over my ears while he yells "ma-mee, ma-mee, ma-mee,") is often a messy diaper and a diaper rash to battle for the next 3 days. It does not matter how dark the room is, how warmly he is clothed, what he has eaten the night before or whose house we are in, and he is certainly no respecter of vacations.

Now I realize you early morning seminary parents think I have nothing to complain about, but your 5:30-5:45 wake up time is not 365 days of the year. You have fall break, spring break, summers off, 3 day weekends, every weekend for that matter and winter vacation - things to look forward to.

I also realize it could be worse. It could be 5:57. That would be bad. And I am also fully aware this season of my life is better than seeing that clock at 1:45 and 5:00 facing a hungry baby. So I'm not necessarily complaining, just stating the fact that during this season of my life I have a relentless, unforgiving alarm clock. And sometimes I wish that once, just once I could look at the clock and it would say 7:45 or 8:30 or 9:15 or something delightful like that.

Trenton's First Fast

2009-12-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

Kind of.

This morning as I was getting breakfast ready for the kids I mentioned it was fast Sunday (we don't eat 2 meals, fast with a purpose in mind and donate the money from the meals to those is need. It brings me such inspiration and I truly miss it when I'm pregnant. Like I miss everything else, but that's another blog). Trenton piped up - "Oh, I need to not eat 2 meals, huh, Mom?" I explained he was welcome to fast if he'd like, but I thought we could start when he was 8 years old. He ate every bite of breakfast and we headed to church.

I picked him up from his class and his teacher handed me a tangerine.

Teacher: "Trenton was fasting."
Me: "Excuse me?"
T: "He said he couldn't eat this because he was fasting. I felt bad he didn't get the treat, so I wanted to send it with you for...when his fast is over, I guess."

Later in the car I asked for some clarification.

Me:"So, Trenton. Did you decide to fast today?"
Trenton: (munching on a bag of M&M's shared by Kali from her Christmas Advent Candy calendar made in Primary. Shared 8 days too early before I could stop her) "Yup, I did."
Me: "But you're eating now."
Trenton: "Yea, I fasted during ALL of church, Mom. It was my first fast."

I smiled all the way home.

A Little Bit of Heaven

2009-12-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

Does it get any better than this?! Heaven, I say.

All of my wonderful family at our house for Thanksgiving Weekend

Catching the big Turkey moment

Oh, yum

Long lost sisters, reunited :)

Putting a face to Grandpa's very own legend of Yata-he and Running Bear

Cousins. Buddies.

A little uncle tutoring in DDR
A manicure filled with love, if not perfection

Who needs to pay for a light show, when you have Parker's very own?

Carrying on the legacy - like father, like son. Thank goodness.

A Tim-Tam slam tribute. The siblings - just not complete without ya, bro.

Can't we just keep you all?

Adam & Eve

2009-11-24T23:40:00.000-08:00

We had just finished dinner at our good friends house and were sitting around the table chatting. Enter a giggling Trenton and Kali...

K: (whispering) do it, do it.

T: (proceeds to turn around and stick out his little bum) (they run out of the room together)

Me: Excuse me? Both of you right here right now. What was that?

K: (quickly with an accusing point in Trenton's direction) Trenton stuck out his bum at you. (Trenton's jaw drops)

Me: Trenton?

T: (looking shocked and betrayed at Kali) What? Kali told me to do it!

Me: Kali?

K: Sorry.

I don't know what to do with that girl - a preview of what's to come.

Counting my Blessings

2009-11-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

I have just been thinking about some of the many things that have brought a smile to my face over the last couple of weeks. I wanted to make mention of them - some blessings are smaller than others, but all have made me pause and given my heart a little lift!

The primary program - Our ward had all the children dress in white - all 180 children. It was a beautiful, eternal scene. Kali is the very youngest Sunbeam in the entire primary (as her birthday is on New Year's Eve), but she sang like a champ on the front row. She swayed her little head back and forth to the songs and was very intent on following the music leader; even to the point of directing and cutting off the kids and singing/mouthing the words in an exaggerated manner. Oh I wish I'd had a camera to catch her sweet little shining face.

Wicked - My dear friend gave me tickets to Wicked for my birthday in July. We went to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory beforehand - what a delightful night! And an incredible musical - the music, the acting, the message was AWESOME! I'm so blessed to have such good friends.

Sprouts - OK, the sales at this store are amazing. And the latest - avocados were 4 for $1. I just got happy looking at my 8 avocados for $2. Then even happier eating the sprout/tomato/avocado/turkey sandwiches!

The delay start on our oven - I just figured this out today. It made me very happy. I put a frozen casserole in the oven before church, set the delay start and it was ready to eat when we walked in the door. It's the little things.

My children's prayers - Trenton's prayer last night "...and please bless that I will play basketball as good as my Dad someday. And that Kali will stop rubbing her feet on the dresser so I can finish my prayer." Kali's morning prayer she says by herself that I overheard: "And please bless that Uncle John can come back down to earth. Please bless we can see him again, because I miss him."

Halloween Report

2009-11-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

Our Fall/Halloween celebration started with a trip to our first pumpkin patch. Well, in a way. Steve has wanted to go to a pumpkin patch every year since we got married, but somehow I always talk him out of it. It's pricey, quite a bit of a drive, would the kids remember anyway? Well this year I thought it was was time to make it happen. When I told the kids we were going on a long drive to a pumpkin patch, Trenton said, "What?! Why aren't we going out favorite Wal-Mart pumpkin patch? Their pumpkins are great!" To which I looked at Steve, shrugged my shoulders and mouthed a "Sorry." Yes, for years we drive to Wal-Mart and I say: "Here's the pumpkin patch guys, pick one out." Economical, yes. Memory making, maybe not quite so much.

We had an absolutely delightful time and I think the kids ages were perfect. We went to Berry Patch Farms - they had animals, baby chicks, silhouette drawings, crafts, hay rides etc. I just loved being away from all things man-made and out in nature. It made me wish my kids could have more time on a farm. There's just something about it.Without question Kali's favorite part of the day was the baby chicks.

Blake guarded this pumpkin with his life - I think he took this poor little girl down.

Trenton looked so hard for the perfect pumpkin.

The week of Halloween turned out quite differently than I expected it to due to the blizzard, but I think I liked it better. The week started with Trunk-or-Treat - this is typically the most popular night at church in which the fire safety limit is broken when every church member and many neighbors fill the church in costumes, chow down a yummy chili dinner (chili dog this year) while trying to keep your kids contained & calm in the gym, squeeze through the hoards of people in the hall to play games put on by the youth, then trick or treat out of car trunks in the parking lot. That last part includes dishing out candy as fast as humanly possible from your trunk in the freezing cold while keeping an eye out for double dippers. Do I love Trunk-or-Treat? Obviously not, but the kids ADORE it! It's better than Halloween night itself. And I will say this year was exceptionally organized with excellent crowd control. I did it as a single mommy (Steve was picking up a Craigslist mattress for our upcoming guests) and a youth leader. The kids were patiently assisting with the 'cookie' walk until they realized there were many other games to be had. Let's get going, Mom! So we went between the cookie walk, the games in the hall and trunk-or-treating- the kids were in heaven. It was the very best night of all for them.

Turns out it was a good thing we went to Trunk-or-Treat, because that was the only Halloween activity for the week thanks to the blizzard. Trenton & Kali's school parties were canceled as school was canceled :(. Trenton was most certainly too sick to care, and the snow playing was a fair trade for Kali. I was just grateful to be home for the remainder of the week. The day the blizzard started I was at work. The hospital alternated between lock down and letting us go home multiple times. If there is a risk that the staff for the next day won't be able to get in the hospital will lock down and essential medical staff are required to stay in hotel rooms close to the hospital or sleeping areas in the hospital. I wanted to be home so badly as I knew the blizzard would get worse and who knows how long I'd be stuck away from the fam. I almost skipped out to the car with glee that I was going home to my babies.So on Halloween night we carved pumpkins, made soup and went Trick-or-Treating. These are Daddy's awesome creations - Trenton requested the bat & Kali settled for the ghost after I refused to let her carve a skull. Really, honey a skull? No way. Trenton's fever broke that afternoon, so we put hand-sanitizer on him and he made it to 5 houses. Slowly. I was so glad he could at least get dressed up and get to some houses. He had been so excited for this night. Grandma Allen sent a Halloween package with the reflectors, among many other treats, they were very excited to wear (in the picture below). She asked Trenton if he was excited for Halloween, he said weakly while laying on the couch, "Grandma I am going to be sick with the flu for 6 days and will not be able to go Trick-or-Treating." It was so sad. Even as I write this 10 days later, his eyes are still a bit sunken and he doesn't quite have his old energy back. It was a bad one.

The weather warmed up nicely for Halloween night. This neighborhood has so many trick-or-treaters. It was a blast to chat with all the neighbors and see the great costumes. A group of moms just sat out on camping chairs around a heater chatting away until almost midnight. I joined them for a bit and enjoyed getting to know them.Trenton has wanted to be a magician since he laid eyes on the costume at Costco in, oh when do they start promoting Halloween, June, maybe? Steve wasn't real thrilled - I think he wanted something more manly, but this little guy wouldn't budge. I was set we were not going to buy new costumes, but he wanted it so bad I told him he had to use some of his birthday money to help pay for it, which he gladly did. Little sweety. Kali wanted to be a ballerina until one of her friends said she was going to be Tinkerbell. Once again, not too excited about paying full price for a costume so I convinced her she really did want to be a ballerina wearing our hand-me-down outfits. Until the (brilliant) used costume sale at Trenton's school & voila! There was Tinkerbell with all the accessories for $5. Nice. They also had this little bumblebee costume that Blake was so darn cute in. He also LOVES wearing hats and is certainly my busy bee, so I thought it was perfect. We taught him "What does a bumble bee say" His reply: "Beeeeeeez."

Happy Halloween! Let the holiday fun begin!

Snow Days

2009-11-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

Let it snow! Holy October Blizzard. Parker got a good two feet of snow last week before Halloween. School was canceled for 3 days. I have to admit I was as excited as the kids to not have to get ready for and carpool to school. Jammies, hot cocoa, snow angels, beautiful snow...I love it all. Little Trenton came down with something fierce during those snow days. Temp of 104, body aches, sore throat, vomiting, diahrrea, headache - I have never seen one of my children that sick. H1N1? We'll never know. He's been vaccinated against A & B so it very well may have been H1N1 - but what are you going to do? Take it one hour at a time. And really wish you would have stocked up on Tylenol suppositories before 1 am when your husband had to drive to three stores in the middle of a raging blizzard becasue your son couldn't keep anything down and was moaning in pain.

He said to me at one point, "Mom it is wild inside of me."

"What do you mean wild?"

"It feels like a cheetah is running wild insde of my chest."

I laid my hand on his chest, and his heart was pounding so hard & fast I could see my hand going up and down. His heart was pounding 150 times a minute. That was scary. I kept reading we could and should manage flu symptoms at home and kept thinking my RN badge should save us money at some point. If I were at work, I'd call the doctor, start IV fluids, give him some oxygen and give him pain meds IV & that darn suppos. I had access to none of that! That's why moms are the SMARTEST. They have to figure this out without all the fancy stuff. We got through it with gatorade, blessings and a very brave sick boy. OK and one cheater phone call to our ER Peadiatric doctor while I was at work Friday night - just for reassurance. In a way it made the snow days easier because the poor little guy just wanted to be held and carried from place to place. He was my little hot pack. Luckily it hasn't spread to anyone yet. I'm not holding my breath though. It may.

These are pics of our healthy ones enjoying the snow. The drifts were taller than Kali.

And this next one is a pic of daddy not so much enjoying the shoveling. And Kali enjoying hitting Daddy with a snowball.

Summer Synopsis

2009-10-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

I was looking back at our summer pictures and realized there were many great things we did this summer I didn't get a chance to write about with the move and such. Since I do this mainly for our family journal/family history, I want to forewarn you this may be boring, but I want to catch up on some of the highlights.

We were blessed to be able to go to two weddings this summer - they were both wonderful! My cousin Courtney got married in Casper, WY. They had planned an outdoor wedding; actually dreamt of it their whole lives, but at the last minute the storms rolled in and we did the wedding inside. They both handled the disappointing change so well and plan on eventually renewing their vows on the mountain.

Anna and I were bridesmaids and little Kali was the flower girl. Oh, was she in heaven! And she did a great job - darling as ever. I can't remember when so many people had SO much fun at a wedding. The DJ was fabulous - he said he'd done it for 11 years and he was 16. He helped his dad for years and it showed. He let Trenton sit with him all night and help him put on an incredible party. What a BLAST! It was so fun to be with Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents - truly a family reunion for us.

We also were blessed to be able to travel up to Seattle for Steve's cousion/sister Jenna's wedding to Wes. It was such a treat to be with the McDonalds and witness their love, organization and teamwork. We learn so much from them each time we're there. This first picture is Wes leading us in a Thriller rendition. It was sweet. The chocolate fountain tradition instead of a wedding cake is definately one I'll push my kids to embrace :). And I LOVED that Jenna wore her mother's BEAUTIFUL wedding dress. Isn't she stunning?!

I managed to squeeze in training for the Parker Ward Triathlon this summer. I am completely addicted by the way. I think I went into it thinking, yup I can do this, I did it once and survived. I might not have trained quite enough; I tell you I was so glad to see that toilet paper finish line! I left out the pictures of me doing the backstroke, catching my breath :).

We started a summer tradition this year we will definately keep up. I took the kids out to UT for 2 weeks by myself. We missed Steve horribly, but were able to spend such great time with family and friends. I think next year Steve might come out for a few days then fly back before us. 2 weeks is too long!

We went to the single least expensive carnival I have been to in my life for Pioneer Day in Bountiful. What a family friendly place. I love it. We met up with Steve's sister Tina & her kiddos and Emily and Johnny.

Grandpa cleared every evening the second week to spend time with us. THANK YOU! One night he met the kids to take them on a train ride, then suprised them by taking them to Chuck E Cheese. They still talk about this special night with Grandpa.

Every day is a heaven day at Aunt Tina & Uncle John's house. Here are all the cousins plus some neighborhood kids getting ready to swim in the lukewarm hot tub. They loved it!

Grandpa & his Boys

Grandma & her Girls

For FHE we drove up to Snowbasin (where my dad teaches skiing) and went on a hike - a short hike with Anna's broken ankle :( and three little ones. It was absolutely stunning. Next year Dad and I decided we are going to the top!

Back to the favorite house of Aunt Tina & Uncle John's. They have worked their way to being practically self-sustaining with the addition of 10 chickens and their magnificent garden. Tina helped the kids hold chickens and I just drooled in awe of the garden.

We had a blast practicing our painting skills at JeVonne & Paul's house. Luke, Mary, Mom and Emily even pitched in to help get rennovations done before their little baby girl arrived in August. What a project they undertook - wow. My favorite line was walking into the backyard to see JeVonne, 9 months pregnant, cutting 20 lb tiles in 95 degree weather and she says, "Don't tell my mom."

Kali had a blast doing all things girly with Anna - how forever blessed my kids are to have such a hands on, fun-loving aunt. They ADORE her!

One of our favorite days was when we got to have Johnny over for a day. Kali and Blake were in heaven loving on this little guy. So was I.

John and Em's anniversary was the day after we arrived in UT. I was planning on suprising her on her doorstep, but that plan got foiled (it's OK Mom, I know you were just really excited we were coming). She had the whole day planned out and part of that included dinner at the Roof Restaraunt where she (and I) went the day she was propsed to. (I did not go to the Roof the day she was proposed to - only the day I was proposed to ;)). It was a touching night, especially hearing John's 6 page version of their engagement story she found on his laptop almost a year after he died. That's a treasure.

Mom had so many fun things planned. This is the kiddos at the Children's Museum. They loved it and I loved watching Kali doing all things medical.

I don't have great pictures to post about my other two favorite events of the Summer of 2009 - having our mommies come out. My mom came out twice to help us move twice. Wow, that was not a bad dream - we really did move twice (shiver). I don't know what we would have done without her. Literally. She cleaned, played with kids, helped pack, helped unpack, got lunches and dinners, sotcked the new house with the essentials and essentially kept me sane. It was like she'd done it a few times in her life.

Steve's mom also came out at the end of the summer. Thanks goodness. I was training for the triathlon, getting ready to take the family to Courtney's wedding, throw the bridal shower, move in and start a new calling. It was about midnight on Saturday; we were frosting 50 cupcakes for Cupcake Sunday (to celebrate all the birthdays for the month in our youth group) and she turned to me and said "Are all your weeks like this?" No, thank goodness they are not, but I was so grateful she was here! She brought a suitcase full of bow making things, had me pull down Kali's fall/winter wardrobe and we made the most darling bows to match everything. Kali gets compliments all the time. She cooked the most amazing meals all week, kept the kitchen spotless, loved the kids to death and spoiled us rotten.

Aren't Moms the best?

If you made it to the end of this bit of our history, just know I will sleep better at night having written about this fabulous, blessed summer.

A small favor...

2009-10-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

I have a small favor to ask from you dear friends & family (and friends of friends & family who are addicted to blog surfing...you know who you are). I have joined a book club that I am absolutely loving. We have read Goose Girl and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society (or something like that). Both great books. I'm supposed to choose a book for January and wanted your input.

I'm looking for something that a) Invokes Gratitude and/or b) Inspires. So all you well-read intellectuals that I dearly trust could you please send me your favorite reads that fit the above criteria. Biographies, non-fiction, fiction, you name it. Can't wait to hear from you!

Locks of Love

2009-10-04T21:42:00.001-07:00

Today marked the end of a rough period in our lives - the days of brushing out Kali's hair. It would start with a simple "Kali, time to do your hair," and end in a wailing session that would rival the holiest wailing wall. Saturday I was done. And so was little Kali.

We have been growing her hair out her entire life - she's had exactly 2 trims in her 3 1/2 years. One by me and one professionally done. This spring we talked about growing it until we had 10 inches, then giving it to Locks of Love. I asked her if she wanted to give it to little girls who had no hair, and she nodded her head enthusiastically. So I've been measuring every few weeks, hoping we had enough. I mean really, how great to be able to do something for others without doing any work at all. Just letting the darn stuff grow! We've been looking forward to the big day for a while.

I was also starting to feel very guilty looking at her pictures. As most of you know, my husband is the ultimate photographer - we have thousands and thousands of great pictures. But quite frankly, Kali looked like a little orphan child in a large majority of the pictures. I stopped Steve from taking so many pictures, saying "You can't - just look at her hair!" Unfortunately I am not always around to help him see the big picture.

Point in case: After he took these pictures he says to me, "Aren't these great? Look how beautiful she is!" I just looked at the picture and thought, "Where is this child's mother?"

And we have many, many similar pictures I didn't spend enough time preparing for. I wonder if she will look back with hard feelings towards me, poor little thing. The final straw came when I spent a lot of time doing her hair for Trenton's birthday party (curling, brushing, rubber banding) and it still looked like she just got out of bed. Between that and the wailing, I was DONE. We took one final measurement and headed out to Fantastic Sam's with the whole family along, with Daddy's skills to capture the process.

Before

Kali was very excited that it wouldn't hurt to brush it out anymore, that it'd be short like her friend Bailey's hair (thank goodness for Bailey) and that we were giving it to the girls who had no hair.

Yes, I did get a little nervous at this point. When I told the hairstylist what we wanted, she shook her head and said, "No, that is going to be really short." I thought she was going to refuse to do it! I had to convince her we were fully aware of how short it would be and trust me, we were ready.

After

Happy as a clam and ready to send her donation! She did great. I was so proud of her willingness to do the whole thing. Right after it was cut, she said "I can't do a long braid anymore, can I?" Oh - her favorite hairstyle! "No, but we'll do short braids if you want." And she was completely OK with that.

We are excited to mail off the ponytail and I wasn't scared at all when Steve took pictures of the kids bug hunting today. She loves it, but Trenton is trying to get used to it. After it was cut he said, "I can't wait until it grows long and you look like Kali again." And after covering his eyes, "Oh, it's combing my eyes to look at you with short hair!" (combing...hmmm). He's not a big fan of change.

Helping Blake down the hill today during our bug hunt - and no cringing from mom as the pictures were being snapped :)!

This is a video clip of her getting her new hairdo dried - she really was in heaven during the whole process. Little sweetie.

My MacGyver

2009-10-04T15:27:00.000-07:00

There are moments of marriage where you look at the person you married and think, "Wow, I love this man." Saturday was one of those moments for me.

Our light bulbs in the living room have been burnt out since we moved in. It has posed quite a dilema for us since we couldn't reach them, even with the very tallest ladder we owned. The tallest ladder anyone owned for that matter. We couldn't just do the 'suction bulb light bulb changer' as the fixture had to completely unscrewed by hand. But never fear, my MacGyver's here. Our entire marriage Steve has always been able to figure out a solution to problems that have me stumped. This time was no exception.

Steve secured a 2x4 to the top of the ladder with bungee cords. I sat upstairs on the landing pushing the board with my feet until this huge ladder was at just the right position for Steve to change the light bulb. Precocious as this set up may seem, it got the job done. That's my man.

Viva Las Vegas

2009-10-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

Steve and I were able to go to Las Vegas last weekend for a Sibling Survivors Seminar hosted and sponsored by TAPS. The best part was that Luke, Mary and Anna were also able to miss work/school to be there with us. It was great to be together for the weekend. All made possible by Mom flying out to stay with the kiddos - THANK YOU!!!

With Dr. Darcie Sims, a phenomenal speaker and expert on grief and bereavement who literally changed my life in D.C. I can't get over how blessed we are to have support from TAPS - total strangers donate to make healing like this possible.

In front of the Bellagio.

I certainly have a love/hate relationship with the Las Vegas Strip. We were literally wading through pamphlets of porn - it's Satan at his finest. On the other hand, I could sit in front of Bellagio all night watching the water shows. Absolutely amazing. Along with the erupting volcano, the grandiose hotels, the Gardens at the Bellagio, the Eiffel Tower, etc, etc. It's just awesome.

P.S. If you are ever tempted to spend $15 on a huge Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity's because you've heard people rave about it for years (yes, including Oprah herself), just put a frozen fudgsicle in the blender, pour it in a glass and call it good. At least it's off my bucket list.

I love that TAPS focuses on celebrating the life lived, as all our loved ones are heros. They also talk a lot about living for the living- we lit these candles for our loved ones, not "in memory of" but "in gratitude for." John touched so many lives for the good - people felt inspired and uplifted just by being with him. We all jumped at the chance to be together as siblings for the weekend...it is time well spent - something none of us take for granted.

Sometimes...

2009-09-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

John Harold Alley

John Harold Alley, Jr.

Sometimes it takes my breath away. And it hurts.

A: Toothpaste & Baking Soda

2009-09-12T20:33:00.001-07:00

Q: How do you get your 3 year old's permanent marker masterpieces (yes, PLURAL) off of your brand new, birthday-present-money, favorite ever IKEA dining room table?!

Ready...or Not

2009-09-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

Trenton's first day of school officially came and he and I were READY. His birthday is the 26th of September and the deadline for kindergarteners was Oct 1st until last year. It was changed to September 15th last year, so technically he could have started last year. Steve and I made a rather difficult decision to hold him back and stick with the old deadline. So after almost two years with three preschoolers underfoot I was ready for kindergarten to start, and Trenton was definitely ready for the structure and routine of school.

Or so I thought.

After all the preparation of uniforms, school supplies, shoes, meet & greet w/the teacher, loads of paperwork, etc. the big day arrived. After beautiful school blessings from Daddy, we put Trenton to bed at 8. Steve asked me if he seemed nervous. I replied, "No. He's ready." I was cleaning up in the kitchen and about 45 minutes later I heard a little voice say, "I forgot to say thank-you." I spun around and there was my little wide-eyed boy - who has never once in his life not fallen right asleep after laying down. "Thank you?" "Yes Mom. For the drink of water you brought me. Thank you for that." Well, maybe a little nervous.

What a blessing Steve could be there for the big send off; the whole family drove over to the school. We asked him what he was going to do and he said with a straight face, "I am going to work. At school." My little serious guy. We walked up to the school and turned back and threw his arms around me. He hugged and hugged and hugged me. He wouldn't let go.

And that's when I lost it.

His sweet little arms gave me one last squeeze and I tried to hide my tears as he took determined steps toward the school. All the little ones lined up in their uniforms was one of the most precious sights I've ever seen. The parents were the paparazzi, with 2 parents per child filming and snapping away. Their teacher came to the door with a big smile, and as Trenton walked down the hall I realized 1/3 of our (full) time with him was over. And for the first time in my life, the previous 6 years with my boy had gone way too fast. It happened in a blink - I couldn't believe it was over. My mind raced over the past 6 years and things I was glad I was done and things I wished I'd done different. But my heart overflowed with gratitude that I was there.

I sometimes struggle staying home with the kids - it is tedious, monotonous and quite boring, hard work. But I was so grateful at that moment I had not missed my baby Trenton growing up. I had chosen to be with him instead of pursuing a career. We have 2 days a month that they are not with mom or dad as I work one day a week as an RN - 2 of those are Saturdays with Dad. Often I wish I worked more. I have a passion for the art and science of medicine. But watching Trenton walk down the hall I was so grateful for our prophet's and leader's guidance on being the ones to raise our babies - it is simply a season, a short speck of time in the grand scheme of things. And his first 6 years are gone. There is no getting them back. My heart filled with thankfulness and I cried all the way back to the car. A couple of Moms gave me hugs and said, "It gets easier with each one, dear. You poor thing." But it wasn't quite that...I loved sending him to kindergarten- and he loved going. But wasn't it just yesterday he was my baby?

Labor Day Camping

2009-09-09T22:16:00.001-07:00

We went camping for Labor Day weekend. I forget how MUCH work it takes to make it happen until we do it every year. BUT...it is worth it to be in nature, away from video games, TV, & computers & watching the kids be entertained with the great outdoors. We go with a group of friends, which is the only way to do it. Kids play together, someone always has what you forgot & there are plenty of friends to cook and chat with.

We went to Turquoise Lake in Leadville, CO. The kids called the lake "the beach."

The first night was so cold even our papoose for Blakey didn't prevent him from waking up the entire camp at 1 in the morning screaming inconsolably. Although most of the camp said they were already wide awake, freezing away, praying for the sun to come up to end the torture, I still felt bad. The days were beautiful - perfect, sunny, and warm. And the second night was much much warmer. Thank goodness.

Steve took the kiddos fishing a bunch over the weekend and Trenton caught his first fish, a beautiful rainbow trout, by himself on his Spiderman pole (after this picture he walked up to me with his hand held out, saying "Mom I need some real water. I just touched real live FISH SKIN!)

Grandma's Petunias

2009-08-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

We were able to visit my Grandma Alley, Coo-choo Grandma to the kids, for a week in June. This was during the time we were homeless, so she was kind enough to endure 3 children under 5 with only one parent to try to reign in the chaos. It was a wonderful week and the kids were spoiled and loved only the way a Great-Grandma can.

We enjoyed Grandma's treats...

and played for hours on end with the greatest toys.

We were able to do some projects and Kali's favorite was helping plant Grandma's petunias in the "wheel." Kali loves helping anytime she can and she felt like a million bucks helping Grandma carefully choose her favorite flowers, moisten the dirt, fill the wheel and plant the young blooms.

Every time we've driven through Laramie this summer we've been able to watch the 'fruits of our labors' grow under Grandma's watchful care. It's been fun to watch. I remember petunias in the wheel since I was a little girl, but this years batch is the biggest I've ever seen. Here are some pictures with proud little Kali by 'her's & Grandma's' flowers.

Swimming Lessons

2009-08-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

Today wrapped up two weeks of swimming lessons for my little ones. Their teacher (Coach Dave) gave us evaluations at the end which fit their little personalities very well. He said Trenton seems more cautious and careful, while Kali was quickly swimming circles around Dave, completely submerged. I could have given him that evaluation while they were in utero.

Trenton, patiently mastering the two handed technique...

while Kali dives right in, swimming away.

I had the kids write thank you cards to Coach Dave. This was Trenton's - he loved diving to the bottom to get the rings. Precious.

Lovin' 30!

2009-08-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

And so begins the great catch up for the summer of '09. The last 3 months have been an awesome whirlwind of family and fun and it's time to play catch up. I'd like to begin with my best birthday ever filled with many memorable firsts...

The kids first trip to one of my favorite restaurants, Cinzetti's, an all-you-can-eat Italian buffett where kids eat free on Tuesday nights - the same night as my birthday, happy day. After his third trip to the dessert bar Trenton says, "I sure love your birthday, Mom."

Our first get away with my best friend that we've hired a babysitter for (thank you to Mom & Dad and JeVonne & Paul for the previous two get-aways). We went white water rafting and spent a night in Winter Park. Heaven.

It was also filled with my other two favorite firsts - my first surprise party with some dear friends and my first trip to IKEA armed with b-day gifts from generous friends and family. I had way too much fun at IKEA. 1 year and counting until we get one in Denver :).

But my very favorite first - it was the first birthday I wasn't pregnant or nursing in 6 years. I felt like me again. That's a nice feeling.

I loved turning 30 - my 20s were filled with big life-determining decisons (why do we have to make those so young anyway?), college, a tragedy, three pregnancies, and a few bumps in the road...all of which were educational, refining, and some rewarding, but none of which I care to repeat. I love where I'm at and my blessings are inumerable. I am blessed with an incredible husband, healthy, loving children, a beautiful home, a secure job, and especially a supportive family & dear friends. I've had many warnings about turning 30, but I think I'm going to like it :).

Home Sweet Home

2009-06-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

She signed! Yay! And we moved in three hours later and have been busy unpacking and cleaning and sorting and reveling in our new home ever since. What a blessing. What a relief. It's happy days at the Allens...pictures will follow as soon as we get our feet on the ground :).

The Long Story of a Short Sale

2009-06-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

Many of you know we put an offer in on a short sale Feb 19th. 4 looooong months ago. We rented our home to dear friends who are taking very good care of it and for the past 2 months have lived in a variety of places out of suitcases. I counted 14 offers from people to live with them when they heard about our situation - the kindness we've been shown absolutely overwhelms me. We stayed with our dear, patient loving friends as a base camp and have visited family or house sat about every other week. Three preschoolers, living out of suitcases, changing locations/toys/beds every week - I don't need to explain that chaos to you. I can't complain too much about this since we are simply sleeping in the bed we've made, so I will hold my tongue and simply say....I am counting down the minutes until this ends.

I was supposed to end today. TODAY. It didn't.

The bank approved our offer three weeks ago (to say that was a happy day is an understatement) and we were set to close yesterday at 11:00. A week ago at inspection it turns out the first thing listed on the MLS - central AC - is not there. "A mistake," the selling realtor says, "People make mistakes." Oh, I'm sure - a $6,000 mistake. After much deliberation we let that slide. It's still a great house for a great price. However, we went for a final walk through Friday morning and they had stripped the home of all window coverings and hardware - $3000 worth of custom window coverings - that were in the contract to be included. The husband was willing to bring them back, the ex-wife was not. Shocked that they really thought they could get away with this, we said we would walk due to breach of contract. It wasn't the curtains of course, it was the principle. We felt completely peacful about walking (shocking in our situation, but we did) and I will forever be grateful for that. We informed them of this and they returned the window coverings. At this point we missed the initial closing time, but the Title company offered to meet us anywhere, anytime to close. The husband agreed, the ex-wife said, "No."

No closing means no possesion means no move. Which was planned for 1:00 today. We cancelled two wards of people to help us move and our truck rental. It is simply unbelievable this is happening.

After some professional advice we decided to do all our paperwork to close today. So we met around our table with the title company, the poor husband, both realtors and signed our lives and firstborn away. There was just one person who has not signed and is not returning calls. I'll give you one guess who that is, but you won't need it.

So, here we sit.

Waiting for her to sign and figuring out if we can/should take legal action.

That is the long story of the short sale without an ending. We'll keep you posted.

A years worth of healing in 3 days

2009-06-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

Emily & I in D.C. experiencing what one of my friends called "A years worth of healing in three days." Steve kept Trenton & Kali (and took them camping!) while I took Blake to the National Military Survivors Seminar. It was the 1 year anniversary of losing John and I am forever grateful we were in this place for that day. What an incredible weekend filled with so many wonderful moments...these are just a few.
Blake loved the plane ride - and we both loved the one on one time. As we were boarding I realized this was only Blake's second plane ride - the first was a year ago when we flew out to Florida after John's car accident. The airfare was paid for by Hero Miles - people donate their unused Frequent Flier Miles and we were blessed to use them.
One of Emily's wonderful college roommates arranged a place for us to stay while we were out there, making the trip possible. The 4 of us shared a bed for a couple of nights - we actually all did quite well and it was SO precious to see these two cousins sleeping together. Of course they both preferred snuggling with Mommy over those cold uncomfortable cribs any day.

The seminar was at the gorgeous Gaylord Hotel & Convention Center.

Project Linus

I have participated in blanket making projects many times, often wondering if the blanket was really needed or appreciated...after all it was just a blanket. One night, I went to pick up Blake and they handed us a blanket for each baby. I was completely overwhelmed at the kindness of a total stranger who didn't know me or how difficult this last year has been for me to take the time, money and effort to make a beautiful, patriotic blanket for my baby. The next day we were informed there were blankets for the mothers of fallen military members. Emily and I poured over the pile of blankets picking just the right one for Mom. A few minutes later they announced there was a blanket for everyone. I couldn't believe it. I was having a particularly rough time and as I chose a blanket and wrapped it around me I felt the hugs and love of people I'd never met. I felt a little silly wearing that blanket that day (like a teenage girl at girl's camp sitting around the fire), but it helped so much to be wrapped up in a soft cozy blanket. It was like there were three people around me, lifting me up & strengthening me once again. Thank you Project Linus!

Darcie and "What we Really Needed"

I will never forget Darcie (a counselor, therapist and bereaved parent) telling us that the box of tissues in the middle of the table was simply not going to cut it this weekend! She said we would need to have toilet paper - rolls and rolls of toilet paper to get us through the weekend. And if we tucked some in our pockets 'like so', not many people would pry too much into why in the world we were wearing it. :)

The Concert on the Lawn

We were blessed to be taken to the Concert on the Lawn at the U.S. Capital building. Oh my goodness it was beautiful and moving and will now be a Memorial Day tradition the Sunday before every Memorial Day to come.

Arlington
(and the irony of this picture - see below)

We were given front row seats on Memorial day to hear President Obama speak. After waking our babies up at the crack of dawn, leaving the hotel at 7 am and getting in out seats at 8:30, they made the announcement that President Obabma would speak at 11:30. Emily looked at t=me with wide eyes and said that will be just about meltdown time for these two. I burned through my arsenol of bottles, diapers, snacks and toys (plus anything else I could come up with) just before President Obama started speaking. This was the moment we had all waited three hours for and you could hear a pin drop. Just as he started speaking Blake fell and hit his head on a marble bench - he was hot, exhausted and DONE. And he let everyone know. For an eternity. 20 rows away from the President. With the snipers on the roof ready to fire at a moving target. When I played the video back it wasn't that loud OR that long until he cried himself to sleep, but it sure felt like it. The speech was fabulous. He asked to have a moment of silence at 3:00 honoring those who had fallen for our nation, but then choose something to do to give back to our country. That is what all the veterans who'd given their lives for this country would want - ACTION. It was fabulous.

I have to say, before the trip I was looking forward to the concert and to hearing President Obama speak. They were wonderful, but these were not the highlights of the trip for me.

The highlights for me were:

* Sitting down in the sibling support group surrounded by 50 siblings who had lost their lifelong best friends.

*Not having to explain the depth of my grief and how it had affected my life in the past year and knowing everyone there 'completely understood.'

*Downtime with Em...just walking, talking, eating, being together.

*Being able to experience complete thoughts and finish them without hearing, "Mom...I need...could you get...have you seen...help me find...he did/she did...I'm hungry...when are we going to...(I really could go on and on with that obviously). For three whole days I got to experience complete thoughts!

*The amazing lectures/seminars on grief and grieving.

*Seeing Emily surrounded and supported by fellow widows, hearing their tragidies and stories of survival..

*Watching Johnny play with another little baby boy whose Daddy will never hold him in this life, then seeing the two pillars of strength who will raise them.

*Once again, experiencing the goodwill and kindness of total strangers.

* Seeing people at different levels of grief - those who were under a year or two out vs those who were 5-10 years out. The transformation, compassion, and wisdom that had been gained at that point.

*Being surrounded and lifted up by so many amazing, educated, intelligent, cultured, USA-loving people who had someone taken 'too soon.'

*Most of All - Hearing the tragic stories of each person we came in contact with and then witnessing hands on their triumph after the fall (all the way from making it day to day to running marathons to setting up foundations to support others in similar situations) .

I didn't want to leave the safe haven TAPS had created, but I knew I would be a better person because I had been there.

Bye-bye D.C. - we'll see you again next year!

Tell Me the Color of His Eyes

2009-05-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

"I want to know how they LIVED, not how they died." These words were spoken today by Darcie Sims, PhD, a psychologist, grief management specialist, & pastoral bereavment specialist. Emily & I are in Washington D.C. at the 15th Annual National Military Survivor Seminar.

I spent most of the morning eating food, but not tasting it, wondering why I had to be part of this club & hating wearing a name-tag with the ribbons 'AIR FORCE' 'SIBLING' 'SURVIVOR' attached. But as I listened to Darcie I became so grateful I had come to this safe, understanding place.

"They are heros because they served, not because of how they died. I want to know his dreams, his achievements, about his life. I want you to tell me...the color of his eyes." My eyes stung with tears as I pictured John's beautiful green eyes. "Green, Darcie, green," I wanted to call out. "And they only saw ways to serve and give and achieve, Darcie. That's the way John lived his life. And I miss those eyes so much."

We were able to listen to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, ADM Mike Mullen and his wife. They wished us "strength and confidence as we faced tomorrow." How overwhelming to look around and know that all 500 people in that room knew exactly what that meant.

I met in a support group of other siblings and found immense relief in our common threads:

"I lost a lifetime of memories & growing up stories when I lost him."
"People just don't get my memory lapses and mood swings."
"I was always told to take care of him as his big sister, and this time I didn't. I couldn't."

We are here until Tuesday morning, but if I had only experienced today, the trip would have been completely worth it. How grateful I am to have a husband who encouraged me go & kept Kali & Trenton, friends who watched them & sent me with a new (already well used) journal, and Emily who brought up the idea of going. There are many seminars, events, concerts & meals planned and I feel SO blessed to have taken this next step (or giant leap) in the healing process.

They have childcare and the folks in the childcare shooed me away when I came to pick up Blake at 5. I told her I just thought it was time to pick him up, that I should take him on the bus tour of D.C. with me. "Honey, we'll be here until midnight with these precious TAPS babies." Then she cocked her head and looked at me with eyes that said, "Go. Heal. Let us take care of him, while you take care of you."

Thank you TAPS.

www.taps.org

Out of the Mouth of Trenton

2009-05-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

Trenton leaned over at the beginning of Sacrament this past Fast Sunday & asked if he could bear his testimony. Of course, honey...but as he walked up I became afraid, very afraid. I leaned over to Steve & said, "Are you nervous?" "Why should I be nervous?" was the reply. HA! Why should you be nervous? Because 2 days ago in preschool he raised his sweet little hand & interrupted his preschool PARTY with EVERY parent present to ask (and I quote) "Sister Ann, do tooters get out meconium? My mom thinks tooters get out gas! Ha!" 18 heads in the room turn towards me only to see tears streaming down my cheeks, while above the laughter I hear one parent comment, "Yes, only Trenton would ask a question like that." At least they know him by now.

His other preschool class hatched butterflies, and his teacher taught him that little drops of meconium came out of the caterpillars as they turned into butterflies. Well, somehow that has become a topic of daily conversation at this house.

We just had the conversation that no, meconium comes out of newborn babies and tooters just get gas out and that is bathroom talk ONLY, for our house ONLY. Trenton's reply to all of that "nonsense" was "Mom are you serious?! You think we have gas? HA! That's why teachers know everything and Moms need to LEARN from teachers." I should have taken him more seriously when we were walking up to the preschool party and I heard him mumble, "I'm asking Sister Ann. She knows everything."

So fast forward to testimony meeting and I am starting to panic realizing there is no filter between that microphone and my intense, deep thinking son, and really no way to get him down from the stand. I don't think I took a breath during his entire testimony. He started off "I love coming to church. I know the church is real....(and then an eternally long pause, as he surveys the congregation, oh, please Trenton) and I'm glad I have a nice mom." Phew. I let my breath out in an audible gasp of relief. Oh thank goodness. I'm a nice mom. And what a nice, brief testimony.