Happy Birthday Bro!

Hey there -

It's been almost two years since you left this earth and I'd like to say life without you has gotten easier, but it hasn't. The pain isn't as sharp or as often, but the longing for you is much, much deeper. In the beginning I used to have a respite of sorrow for a moment and almost forget you were gone, then for some reason it would flood back that you'd died and the grieving process started all over, the pain as fresh as the moment your body was found. Luckily, that's slowed down, too.

I had a tender mercy last fall of realizing I could have not had you in my life and I've tried to change my perspective to being ETERNALLY grateful to have had you as a brother. You always understood me and would talk with me as deep as we could, always understanding each other on the deeper level that I only felt safe going to with a very few people. We were so similar in that way and in the strength of our testimonies and in growing up to live our childhood dreams. I would be a different person if I didn't have someone to share all of that with and I thank Heavenly Father every day for you.

So...here's an update:

I married a good man. He supports my dreams and is very patient with all the things about me that drove you crazy:). He cried at your grave last week. He is such a hard worker and is a rock and leaves the emotional swings up to me. He's doing Biggest Loser at work and has such self control. His back surgery went great and he is a new man - living his dream on the basketball court. I love love love working as a nurse and love putting my patients and their needs first. I work as the charge nurse a lot and we don't take patients now, so on a hard day when I've put out fires all day I'll just ignore everything and start answering call lights so I can be with patients! I am training for a race this summer - and although Anna teases me about my pace, running (jogging, whatever) keeps me happy. I know you like that.

The kids are growing so fast. I love them so very much. Trenton talks about you a lot and I'm surprised at what he remembers - the beach, the planes, playing. When we visited your grave he grabbed a wipe and scrubbed your headstone saying, "Uncle John would like it this way." He wants to fly jets and 'fight for our country against the bad guys' when he grows up. He is a perfectionist and life is black and white to him and I still think you would have understood him better than I do! Darn it. Kali has stopped waving to you up in heaven and I want to bring you all back and let her know you and love you. Thank you for watching over them and if you could help me with an extra dose of understanding when Trenton goes perfectionist on me, I'd appreciate it.


Anna and Luke are doing great. Luke is working so hard. Can you believe he is going to be a daddy?! Have you talked with his son? Anna is super aunt, miss athlete and works hard in school. And if you've ever wanted to give her boyfriend a piece of your mind, don't worry...Dad's gotten the message across loud and clear. He and mom miss you like crazy as you well know, but your son is filling a little piece of their hearts in your temporary absence.

John, your wife is amazing. She is doing such a good job with your little boy and with her life. She's made such huge steps, progressing in her life and in her testimony. I know you're with her. And we are in love with your son! He is so smart and such a good soccer player already. And he already puts things back where he found them! What 18 month old baby does that? (I know what you're saying, "My child, of course.") Trenton kept saying over and over: "He is the cutest little boy in the world!"

We are continuing to go to TAPS events and this year Steve and Trenton will be joining Em & I. TAPS changed my life and I felt strongly they should be part of it while we were there last year. I think it will give Trenton others in his situation, coping skills and a positive environment to celebrate your life. And though I certainly hesitate putting myself in that environment where your absence and life is the subject, there is a new level of healing each time I do it and I walk away a more complete person.

Trenton wanted to put a pinwheel on your grave for your birthday and I wanted to add a balloon. So even though I know you would have thought it was a waste of money...we did it. Yours is a life to be celebrated.

Thank you for your life, for the legacy of faith, hard work and living life to the fullest you left. We love and miss you!!!

Blessed

True love is coming home from a 12 hour shift to a daughter who has been waiting all day for her mommy to come home. True love is having her silently wrap her sweet little arms around you, squeeze as tight as she can and feel her body shake with giggles of delight for three minutes straight without saying a word, just thrilled to have her mommy back. True love is kissing her sweet little cheeks over and over when she can't wipe the open mouth grin off her face.

I am so blessed.

Ethiopia, here I come...

I love being enlightened about other cultures and a discussion with a co-worker the other day did just that. This girl was my very hard working nursing assistant, about my age, and had 3 children 6, 4, & 2. We began talking one night I was working and she said she wanted to go home so bad. I asked her where home was and she replied Ethiopia. I ignorantly raised my eyebrows at this, but wanting to know more I asked her why she wanted to go home. And her answer made me drool with jealousy.

Merlan (my Nursing Assistant): Why do I want to go home? Well, because we have servants in Ethiopia. They cost practically nothing and EVERYONE has them.

Me: Seriously? They are just a way of life? No!

Merlan: Oh, yes. No one I grew up with didn't have a servant - it's just how it is.

Me: So you had someone living with you helping with the children, cooking, cleaning-

(she interrupts me)

Merlan: Oh, no, no, no. One servant could not handle all of that...

(At this point any guilt I'd had about not keeping up with laundry, bills, cooking, children, etc began to melt away)

Merlan: You have one to take care of the children, one to do the cleaning and laundry and one to do the cooking. It would be ridiculous to have one person trying to do all of that.

(Ridiculous is exactly the word I would use for it too!!!)

Merlan: And you live near your family so everyone helps everyone. It is so wonderful. I miss it so much. When we go back we save up and try to visit for 3-4 months. You certainly can't make make money over there like you can here. (Yes, there is that minor detail)

Me: Hmmm...so tell me something. My husband has hired housekeepers to come a few times and every time they come I am torn between how guilty I feel for having them there and how absolutely wonderful it is. I shouldn't be feeling guilty, should I?

Merlan: Are you kidding me?! Don't you feel another ounce of guilt! A few times in 10 years of marriage - that is nothing! We have help every minute of every day. You need more help!

I think I was beginning to drool with jealousy at this point - fully aware of what I would not have in Ethiopia, and of course being very grateful to be in America - simply imagining for a teensy minute that most beautiful aspect of Ethiopia my eyes had been opened to. Wow. Just imagine.

Well, I'm off to mop the floor, put away 3 loads of laundry and take out the trash for trash day tomorrow, since the kids are finally in bed (done by yours truly) and the meals are cleaned up and leftovers put away (yes, also done by myself).

Ethiopia's sounding nice.

Goodnight.

A Day in the Life...

A friend of mine had a post I loved, showing a day in the life of their family.  She chose the 15th of every third month just to give a snapshot of what a typical day looks like for them.  I loved the idea, because although the days seem very monotonous, unglamorous, and very much the same, I am realizing how brief this time is with my little ones and how I'll look back and 'miss' those days.  But really I am planning 'reminiscing' not so much missing.  Kind of like college days - I really don't miss finals week.  At all.  I 'reminisce' and love that I loved that time then but appreciate where I am now.

So here we go.

The day started with a nicer than average breakfast - Eggo waffles and Morningstar veggie patties (aka sausage), and oranges.  A bit pricey, but with Costco's help they're closer-to-reasonable & getting a full serving of veggies in at breakfast makes me smile.

And Blake in his cute jammies that make me want to kiss him all over:

Next for mommy - my favorite oatmeal ever.  Yum.

Steve leaves for work around 8:45 which leaves him time to love and play with the kiddos in the morning and to lend a helping hand hand breaking up a quarrel or changing a diaper helping me out MUCHO!

Saying good bye with hugs and kisses for Daddy.  

It was President's Day so there was no school.  We invited a favorite neighbor of ours over to play.  Both the kiddos adore her and have a blast with her here.

Movie time with popcorn.

Nap time for Blake after lunch (I have no idea what we had...right before naptime is just like right before dinner time for some reason - pure chaos leading up to peace).

A little Chutes and Ladder guidance.

Squeezing in a couple loads of this.

And of course a load of that.

Steve surprised us and came home for lunch.  That is one downside to having moved farther away from Oralabs - we see him much less frequently for lunches :(.  Or maybe it's because he comes home to things like this - a plugged disposal on this particular day.  It's moments like this he is always grateful he came home for lunch. 

For some reason real live carrots taste much better to me than baby carrots - Steve doesn't quite get why I'd prefer peeling every carrot I eat to the convenience of baby carrots, but I'd do it in a heartbeat every time.  They're just plain better.  Steve is starting 'Biggest Loser' at his work and I promised him I'd have a big container of carrots peeled and ready to eat.  For some reason I was sure this time the disposal could handle the peels from 3 lbs of carrots.  Well, it handled them as well as last time...

 

And yes, we ended up taking apart the pipes under the sink.  OK - he did, but I handed him everything and cleaned up after so it was still a team effort.  Steve saves us so much $ with his handyman skills.  I love it.

So then Steve went back to where he could take a rest from all this - work. 

After Blake woke up we went to the gym - I am training for the Wasatch Back in June and trying to teach myself to run again.  Thank goodness for the free childcare here!  It is my sanity!

Then off to piano lessons.

Then home to make dinner.  Blake loves to help.  He gets very angry if he doesn't get to help.  I love his two year old help and just try to remember it won't last long.

I had flown in the night before (Valentine's Day) from Seattle so we had to postpone our special Family Valentine's Day Dinner to tonight.  We had as much red as I had the energy to come up with - spaghetti sauce, strawberry milk, tomatoes (on the salad), and some heart marshmallows on top of pudding for dessert. I know, I know.  Hopefully I'll do better in years to come.

We had our FHE - which the kids will NOT let us miss and I love that.  Blake cracks us up - after every part of FHE he shouts "TREATS" and runs to the kitchen.

Opening Song

"TREATS!" (races to the kitchen - we call him back)

Prayer

"TREATS!" (races off)

Special Musical Number

"TREATS!" (races off)

etc,

I love that boy.

There is so much to teach them in such a short amount of time.  Steve and I made a list of what we wanted them to be taught this year and did a rough draft of FHE's for the year and where to find the lessons.  It's made it a lot easier and we feel like we are teaching them the things that are important to us.  The nights of "Sunday Videos" for FHE are fewer and farther between, but definitely still an option when sheer exhaustion sets in!

Then stories, teeth brushed, jammies, prayers and BED!  Steve set up the bunk bed and moved the boys together a week earlier - of course on a night when I wasn't home to put them to bed.  I was working.  It was sooner than I would have moved Blake (2 yrs and 1 month) but he's done great!  He just loves being with his big brother.

After the kids went to bed I think I watched 19 Kids and Counting (Michelle Duggar is one of my role models) and The Suze Orman Show (my favorite is 'Can I afford It?' segment).

And then I crashed, ready to do it all again tomorrow!

For a moment...

Last weekend I had the privilege of reuniting with 3 of my college roommates in Seattle for Jeanette's sealing. With the names of Julie, JeVonne, Jamie and Jeanette, we called ourselves the J Crew. We had other fabulous roommates live with us throughout the years, some with J names, but the 4 of us started in our freshman ward together and lived together until we started getting married - ok, I started getting married.

Tickets were purchased, Sandy and Art and my dear friend Heather agreed to help with the little ones, Valentine's boxes were made for parties I'd miss, prayers were offered for Steve's survival, and talks were written to be given without me :(. Leaving was harder than ever, but when I walked into the airport to catch my flight...I was ready and excited.

JeVonne & Uncle Bill picked me up from the airport that night - always a sweet reunion. We made plans for the next few days and agreed upon going to go to water aerobics the next morning with Bill and Diane - it's easy on Aunt Diane's back and very fun. We were on the younger end and only got a few glares from the Grandmas brought on by Uncle Bill's incessant splashing as hard as he could at anyone he knew, especially Aunt Diane. This continued even after she reminded him these ladies paid to get their hair done once a week, honey, please be careful. If anything he picked up the pace on thoroughly soaking all of us. After a delightful nap, Jamie joined us at Bill and Diane's and we discussed at length how to fit in a very kind offer from Bill and Diane to take us to Cheesecake Factory (which we managed to fit in the next day between a HUGE mushroom-pepper-omelet -hashbrown-canadian-bacon-french toast-feast at 11 and a gourmet sit down dinner reception peel & eat shrimp-chicken cordon bleu-beans-rice-cupcakes-sugar cookies at 7. Yes, we gorged ourselves).

Friday night we had soup and pizza at Jeanette's house with her friends and family that had flown in. We tried to make ourselves useful helping anywhere we could and ended up working on the seating chart with Jeanette. It was quite an undertaking that Jeanette pulled off beautifully. But the later it got, the more we were transported back to our college days...


For a moment we were on the bed; it was a late night with a big day ahead of us, but it didn't stop us from living in the moment, putting aside the pain the morning wake up would bring. Believing that 4 brains was better than one, laughing our heads off and talking ourselves into circles with it all making complete sense at the time. Each taking turns with a productive thought at 11:30 at night, rarely at the same time, but knowing productivity was only part of the goal. And it all reminding us of so many nights together, 10 years ago.

Jeanette asked us to perform a special little number at the reception - anything for the bride - so we proceeded to blast "All the Single Ladies" by Beyonce, practicing moves our husbands would have been thrilled with, and playing the music video over and over again. You're welcome to take a look at it on You Tube to get the whole picture:



We were laughing so hard tears were coming. Forgetting there were sleeping children in the house. Planning on picking up leotards and heels to perform at the reception. Throwing all pride out the window. And for a moment becoming 19 again, going crazy with your best girlfriends and not caring an ounce. After one hour of practicing I think we had about 4 of Beyonce's moves down. It's harder than it looks people.

We went home late that night (or early that next morning, however you look at it) and thought a little snack sounded good. Bill and Diane put out a spread of fruit, veggies, hummus, crackers, cheese, etc and for a moment we shared our lives. Reflected on relationships, blessings, trials, finances, children, houses, etc until 3:30 in the morning. I remembered how much I learn from these girls. How every time we're together we come away stronger, wiser and happier.

I laid down that night and in a moment (and with a big smile) realized there was no 6:45 wake up from little children needing, needing, needing. No daily tasks to set about doing: breakfast, dishes, diapers, laundry. A break. And when that much anticipated wake up moment came and I could do whatever I chose at whatever time I wanted...

I missed my little ones.

We were able to attend Jeanette and Zack's beautiful sealing the next day and I reflected on the words of their sealer (JeVonne's Grandpa Dance). And for a moment I pictured John and Emily kneeling across the altar, and was reminded that life is but a moment in the eternal scheme of things. And I was reminded how blessed I am to have John for a brother and the bond we'll always have, and how blessed I am to have Emily for a sister-in-law and how I had no idea at the time of their sealing how much our relationship would come to mean to me. But especially of how eternal John and Em's bond is.

I listened to the sealers words about being a man with dishpan hands, being a mother who recognizes how quickly time goes with your little ones and making good decisions about being with them. And for a moment I was transported back to my own sealing and how naively I looked across the altar, simply madly in love, and had no idea what a blessing in my life this man would become. The words of this wise sealer meant so much more now. I looked at this new couple and thought of how the past ten years had refined and strengthened my marriage, and was grateful for the fabulous decision I made!



The reception that night was gorgeous - it was a sit down dinner with dancing afterwards. The three of us had the privledge of seating people, which proved to be an adventure as none of us knew anyone or any background. We put on our very best host faces and really enjoyed getting to know Jeanette's delightful friends and family.


And in case you're wondering how "All the Single Ladies" went, we did not disappoint (well except maybe for Aunt Diane, who after all our talking it up, really thought there would be a choreographed performance):

And the dip - yes folks, the nominated "dipper" was Jamie who is 8 months pregnant. Hence the assistance being provided in this next shot.

A quick phone call home to see how everyone was managing revealed Steve and the kids had gone to the gym and played soccer & basketball and Trenton learned how to climb the climbing wall. They then went to Red Robin for dinner, came home, built a fort and watched 'Up' together. It sounded like they were just barely getting by without me.

The next day we wanted to help Jeanette get on her honeymoon quickly so we went over to their apartment to make it spic and span after the chaotic week of the wedding. Poor Zack looked at us like we were crazy when we offered to clean their apartment (they had been married for 6 weeks - he is a convert so they got married so his family could be a part of it, then got sealed after he'd been a member for a year.) I'm supposed to let who do what?! Jeanette looked pulled between her poor confused husband and her roommate/sisters who did this for each other all the time - this is just what we do for each other!-, but after compromising and promising to leave their room alone we got the key! It's always easier to clean someone else's house and we were all transported back to our college days and our differing levels of tidiness. JeVonne makes sure to kindly compliment me on how I've improved over the years, but I know deep down I'll never be a Jamie :).

I caught my flight home and couldn't wait to see my babies and my man. I'll never forget the kids running to greet me at the airport, in their footed jammies, in the freezing cold. I was surprised with homemade Valentines, beautiful flowers and a spotless house (that part wasn't so surprising - Steve is so good about having the kiddos help 'clean for mom').

Love you girls!!! Thank you for the moments!

One of Those Days

 

My Grandma came down to visit last weekend and we had a wonderful time.  At the last minute we decided to go to the park and enjoy some sun before the next days predicted snowstorm.  Then we decided to take off Trenton's training wheels and see how he did.  He is such a cautious boy; up to this point he's refused to take off the training wheels, but lately every time I've watched him ride down the street I've noticed his training wheels don't touch the ground so I knew he was ready.  He told us there was no way he could do it, but when we arrived at the park he became very brave and took off with his Daddy right next to him without a problem.  We were as proud as when he took his first steps :).

The kids had a blast playing together at the park, and the day was that much more special since we had Great-Grandma there with us.  It was one of those days.

 

The Dare

Blake and I were home together the other afternoon and looked out our back window to see this beauty sitting peacefully and munching away at some grass.  It was so majestic and I always forget how big deer are until I am at close range.  We have so many deer that visit our backyard.  Their little gifts are everywhere.  In fact earlier that day my friend asked if we had a deer "problem" in our backyard.  And here he was.

It stood up and stared at me for a long time, and I know exactly what it was trying to tell me:

"Go ahead.  Try to plant a garden this summer. I dare you."