Happy 29th!

What a wonderful birthday I had, made especially great by having Emily to celebrate with us. It started with sleeping in and delicious breakfast in bed by my wonderful husband. He has modified my family's tradition a bit by providing breakfast to not only the birthday person, but all the children celebrating with the birthday person, so that poor person doesn't have all their favorite breakfast food eaten off the tray by those celebrating with them. He wasn't so sure about this tradition when we first got married (crumbs in the bed, who has an appetite immediately upon being woken, the sharing aspect, etc.) but I think it's growing on him and he is very good at it! It's one of my faovirte traditions -thanks Mom and Dad!

We had a birthday lunch at Aunt Sandy & Uncle Art's house in Littleton, complete with my favorite salad and a cake she had made me! Emily gave me the most wonderful gift...a book of John's mission journal entries about me, our family, service, temples, etc. in his handwriting with a picture next to each one. I couldn't stop crying when I opened it and I read it almost daily. Then Em and I dragged ourselves to the gym almost falling asleep on the way there, but feeling sooo good when we left. We then came home to a yummy ice cream cake from Steve and lots of presents and cards from many friends and family. One of my favorite gifts from Steve are the Southwest giftcards for John Jr's birth! We topped off the day with a visit to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner - YUM - and came home to a spotless house thanks to our wonderful babysitter Rachel! Who could ask for a better birthday?!

Hero #3

Tonia & Andre

The night John went missing Steve and I were heartbroken Emily was in Florida without family. But she was certainly not alone. She went over to Tonia & Andre's house and stayed all night. These were some of John and Emily's dearest friends who we met when we visited in Novemeber. I not only love them for what they did for us in Florida, but especially for the good friends they were to John and Em. John adored their little girls and the girls felt the same love toward John. These were the people Emily turned to when her world was sent into a tailspin. She stayed with them all Friday night, and the morning of the accident Tonia had the unspeakably difficult job of taking Em to the accident scene. It was Tonia I talked to on Saturday morning and I will never forget Emily's cries of anguish in the background. How I wanted to wrap my arms around her and take some of the pain away, but I was miles away. I'll never forget my gratitude for Tonia at that time, knowing Emily was with people who loved her and wanted to find John as bad as she did.

They continued to show the same love towards us the entire week we were there. When Andre offered to help in any way, I doubt he thought it would include driving us to the ER at 3:00 in the morning when I couldn't sleep and then assuring me I was strong enough to tell my story just one more time to a medical professional in that early morning fight to get help sleeping. Andre spoke so wonderfully of the John he knew at the memorial service and the funeral- the John who loved his wife, who loved children, and who would have been the most wonderful father. Our entire family was thrilled to hear they were flying to UT to be at the funeral with us.

I watched the news report of the moment they found John's body (as we were in the middle of a volunteer search effort with news cameras rolling) with some hesitancy as one of my most devastating moments was being recorded by news stations. My fear subsided when the first face I saw was Tonia's, wearing the shock we all felt, wiping tears as if she had lost her own brother, truly "mourning with those who mourn." I am forever grateful for that footage of our dear friend that made me realize I had an entire nation of friends and family mourning the loss with us.

Tonia threw a baby shower the night of the memorial service, with about 48 hour notice :). She and Andre gave Emily and John Jr books that reminded them of his daddy. When I saw they had given Shell Silverstien's "The Giving Tree" my heart was touched as I knew they knew my John. They said John taught them about serving and how to serve.

In the military you can be blessed to find friends and become as close to them as your family, as you are often states, even countries away from family. These friends knew John less than a year, yet they will always be family to us for the love, friendship and kindness they gave our family and especially our dear John and Emily.

Happy 4th of July!

The 4th has always been one of my favorite holidays. This one was certainly bittersweet for me without our patriot John. His love of country above self will always inspire me. We were so glad to have Emily here to share the day with us. We started the day at our Ward breakfast.


That afternoon Kevin and Sue Fink had us over for a BBQ with their kids and our dear friends Val &Taylor and Heather & Tyson. It was good to be surrounded by people who loved John on a day that reminds me so much of him.



Kevin took Trenton on his first four-wheeler ride. He enjoyed the first part of it...


But decided he'd rather just run behind the four-wheeler on the way back.


My favorite part of the day was going onto the Air Force Academy to watch the fireworks. This was John's home for almost 10 years and I really felt close to him that night being where he'd spent much of his life and where we had made countless memories. We grew up together on this base, with patriotism and gratitude for our country instilled in us by our parents, so it was fitting to spend this holiday there.

We watched the fireworks with (from left:) Tyson, Heather, Me, Blake, Steve, Emily, Val, Sue, and Taylor (taking the picture) Trenton & Kali (sleeping in the car). We just sat and held each other and talked after the fireworks. No one wanted the moment to end.

Hero #2

My second "Hero Blog" is about my dear husband. The minute Emily called telling us John was missing, Steve said I should get on a plane and fly out to Florida. As is typical to Steve,he didn't give it a second thought. There is no question in his mind when it comes to the importance of family and his daily actions have always shown that. He was adamant we stay on the phone with Emily for most of Friday night, raced me to the airport Saturday morning, then stayed up with the kiddos all day. He then had the foresight to make a website, and when I told him we needed to make a flyer to pass out in Florida he said, "I did that last night, it's done, ready to print and I negotiated with the Kinko's there in Pensacola to give it to us for 1/2 price."

As soon as John was found he once again didn't second guess getting on a plane to come support us. He kept extended family members updated and patiently put up with very brief, stressful conversations from his wife the entire time we were looking for John. He drove me to the ER at 3 am, drove an hour to get me sleeping medication and brought Blake to the hospital for a day so I could nurse him. I credit Steve that I am still nursing Blake...he lugged a double pump around Florida and kept track of when to pump so I didn't lose my milk.

He knew how important video of John will be to all of us, especially Emily and John Jr. so he started archving video, requested video of John from friends in FL and interviewed countless people asking what they want John Jr to know about his Daddy. His foresight, thoughtfulness, skill and values blessed countless lives through all of this and have once again made him my hero.

Aunt Emily!!!

Yea - she's here! Emily arrived today for a 2 week visit and we are so excited. She just spreads love and joy everywhere she goes, especially in our home. We had a BBQ with friends from the ward tonight and it was a delightful night.


Blake loves cuddling and playing with his Aunt Emily!


We had a FHE with the Barillos, the Scotts and the Glissmeyers. Claudia Barillos was baptized in March and is absolutely on fire with the gospel. We had a new member discussion and she shared her powerful testimony.

Trenton pulled out the lei's in the garage and Kali passed them out to Emily and I. She decided the more the merrier for herself!

Practice Triathalon

So I was training for a sprint triathlon before John passed away. Our ward is doing it, and I am using it as a motivation to keep moving. I decided John would be very disappointed if I gave that up. So we had a practice on Saturday - half of the distance of each event, and I am grateful to be alive. The reservoir we swam in was the equivalent of ice water and I swam the entire distance with my face above water, as each time I stuck my head in the ice water I got the wind knocked out of me. All my weeks of practicing technique, breathing and strokes went out the window. I was in doggy paddle survival mode. On the bright side, there is no way the real thing could be worse...I have only one way to go from here - up!

Hero #1

I have debated the best way to blog about losing John, and I think I have found it. I don't want to dwell on losing him, but what I experienced in the last few weeks is still such a big part of my day to day life I need to record it. So I've figured out a system. I have been overwhelmed by the love and support of all those I was surrounded by during the time in Florida; my life will never be the same. I saw people move mountains when given the opportunity, and it is those people I am going to blog about for the next little while. I am entitling them my "Hero Blogs" and will intertwine them with my day to day blogs. That is how life forces us to deal with grief...I must continue day to day life, even though my world has been completely changed. So here it goes.

My first Hero blog is about my #1 Hero in all this, my dear Emily. From the moment we met I have felt like she was a kindred spirit. I saw strength, goodness, dignity and grace and knew John was the luckiest man to have her love! I will never forget flying into Florida when John went missing and walking into their home and throwing my arms around her. We held each other sobbing, but with a mission to find this man we loved. Little did I know how much she would teach me over the next two weeks. Not only did Emily lose the love of her life, she dealt with the media, investigators, the military, the nation, and hundreds of loving family members and friends. In the middle of her grief her strength, goodness, dignity and grace did not waiver.

I felt like she led us in our grieving. We laughed when she laughed, cried when she cried, spoke lovingly about memories of John with her, and felt anger along side with her.


She gave interview after interview like she had been doing this for years, with humor, sincerity and love.

She led us in relying on each other in a way we have never had to do before.

When she rested, I rested.


She walked with courage, strength and dignity when her whole world was crumbling (at the memorial service, walking with one of John's instructor pilots: her support, escort and friend Lt Brandt.)

She gave us so many opportunities for joy and laughter (at the baby shower in Pensacola, given by her dear friends the evening of the memorial service).

John is blessed to have her eternally - and I've decided as long as she's his, she's mine also. So to my #1 Hero, my dear Emily - you've taught me so much by your incredible example, you uplift me and inspire me. I love you!