Happy Birthday Bro!

Hey there -

It's been almost two years since you left this earth and I'd like to say life without you has gotten easier, but it hasn't. The pain isn't as sharp or as often, but the longing for you is much, much deeper. In the beginning I used to have a respite of sorrow for a moment and almost forget you were gone, then for some reason it would flood back that you'd died and the grieving process started all over, the pain as fresh as the moment your body was found. Luckily, that's slowed down, too.

I had a tender mercy last fall of realizing I could have not had you in my life and I've tried to change my perspective to being ETERNALLY grateful to have had you as a brother. You always understood me and would talk with me as deep as we could, always understanding each other on the deeper level that I only felt safe going to with a very few people. We were so similar in that way and in the strength of our testimonies and in growing up to live our childhood dreams. I would be a different person if I didn't have someone to share all of that with and I thank Heavenly Father every day for you.

So...here's an update:

I married a good man. He supports my dreams and is very patient with all the things about me that drove you crazy:). He cried at your grave last week. He is such a hard worker and is a rock and leaves the emotional swings up to me. He's doing Biggest Loser at work and has such self control. His back surgery went great and he is a new man - living his dream on the basketball court. I love love love working as a nurse and love putting my patients and their needs first. I work as the charge nurse a lot and we don't take patients now, so on a hard day when I've put out fires all day I'll just ignore everything and start answering call lights so I can be with patients! I am training for a race this summer - and although Anna teases me about my pace, running (jogging, whatever) keeps me happy. I know you like that.

The kids are growing so fast. I love them so very much. Trenton talks about you a lot and I'm surprised at what he remembers - the beach, the planes, playing. When we visited your grave he grabbed a wipe and scrubbed your headstone saying, "Uncle John would like it this way." He wants to fly jets and 'fight for our country against the bad guys' when he grows up. He is a perfectionist and life is black and white to him and I still think you would have understood him better than I do! Darn it. Kali has stopped waving to you up in heaven and I want to bring you all back and let her know you and love you. Thank you for watching over them and if you could help me with an extra dose of understanding when Trenton goes perfectionist on me, I'd appreciate it.


Anna and Luke are doing great. Luke is working so hard. Can you believe he is going to be a daddy?! Have you talked with his son? Anna is super aunt, miss athlete and works hard in school. And if you've ever wanted to give her boyfriend a piece of your mind, don't worry...Dad's gotten the message across loud and clear. He and mom miss you like crazy as you well know, but your son is filling a little piece of their hearts in your temporary absence.

John, your wife is amazing. She is doing such a good job with your little boy and with her life. She's made such huge steps, progressing in her life and in her testimony. I know you're with her. And we are in love with your son! He is so smart and such a good soccer player already. And he already puts things back where he found them! What 18 month old baby does that? (I know what you're saying, "My child, of course.") Trenton kept saying over and over: "He is the cutest little boy in the world!"

We are continuing to go to TAPS events and this year Steve and Trenton will be joining Em & I. TAPS changed my life and I felt strongly they should be part of it while we were there last year. I think it will give Trenton others in his situation, coping skills and a positive environment to celebrate your life. And though I certainly hesitate putting myself in that environment where your absence and life is the subject, there is a new level of healing each time I do it and I walk away a more complete person.

Trenton wanted to put a pinwheel on your grave for your birthday and I wanted to add a balloon. So even though I know you would have thought it was a waste of money...we did it. Yours is a life to be celebrated.

Thank you for your life, for the legacy of faith, hard work and living life to the fullest you left. We love and miss you!!!