Musings on Motherhood

DISCLAIMER: Do not continue to read the following if you have a weak stomach, are queasy or are prone to becoming queasy.

I am often asked the question "How can you be a nurse and deal with blood all the time?!" Well, folks blood is my favorite and the easiest bodily fluid to deal with. I have the most respect for blood - it's a healing, oxygen carrying, virus fighting wonder. I'm always wearing gloves when dealing with it, and when it's all over the room it's AWESOME like I'm in some ER episode. The bodily fluids I can NOT stand dealing with come from the intestinal tract - I've seen them in every color of the rainbow coming out of mouths, bottoms, NG tubes, stomas, PEG tubes, open incisions and I can't STAND 'em! But I have great nursing assistants to help clean things up and our wonderful housekeeping service to come to my rescue so it is all very manageable at the hospital.

Well this morning Blake woke up early, so I brought him into bed to nurse him. He nursed and fell back asleep for 1 1/2 hours, then woke up fussy. I tried to nurse him again (just a little more sleep!) but he wouldn't stop fussing. He acted like he had a burp, so I set him up on my chest to burp him and he began to throw up all over me (picture me laying flat in bed with Blake on my chest looking at me). He did three big throw-ups in quick succession all over my face, chest, hair, and the worst - into my mouth. After three kids this has never happened to me. Steve threw me a towel and as I sat up out of bed fluid came dripping out of my ear. There was no nursing assistant to call, no housekeeping to come wash my sheets and clean the floor, and no 12 hour shift to count down until the end.

So in conclusion can I just tell you being an RN has NOTHING on being a mother. If you can survive the never ending delights of motherhood, being a nurse is a walk in the park. This morning gave a whole new meaning to the old mantra "Motherhood is not for wimps." Gotta go - I have sheets to wash.

Hallelujah!

I realize the entire nation is breathing a collective sigh of relief so I don't need to say much. However, the Allen budget has been dramatically affected as our Denali no longer costs over $120 to fill one tank of gas. I am almost brought to tears of gratitude when the gas meter stops at $55. Hallelujah!

Halloween Fun

The Trio

Happy First Halloween, Blake!

It's time for some catch-up...We had a really fun Halloween. After years of dressing the kids up for tradition sake and taking our oblivious, tired kids to about 4 houses before they tuckered out, this year they got it! It was a gorgeous, unusually warm Colorado Halloween night. Kali kept saying "more houses, more houses!" An exasperated Trenton would reply, "Kali, you have plenty of candy." This is probably the last year we will be able to talk Kali out of the inevitable princess costume and into a darn cute $2 garage sale lion costume. And we lucked out that Trenton wanted to be Mr. Incredible again this year (I'm vaguely remembering some parental influence in that decision). Blake rode so peacefully bundled up in his pumpkin costume (which we got on clearance at Old Navy last year for $3), and tuckered out by the end. I don't know why the fact that we spent $5 total on costumes this year gave me such a thrill, but it did. I don't remember a single meltdown or argument, but I'm sure that's my motherhood coping mechanism kicking in, because is that really possible? Or maybe I should put 3 weeks between the event and the blog more often. The kids could have been poster children for sharing with each other, and Trenton gave me all their Heath bars. Steve said, "I love being a parent on nights like this." I agree.

Strength

I was honored to witness the birth of John & Emily's beautiful baby boy on October 20th. Emily let us know she was in labor Sunday morning. I was at work and Steve was at church, but we've never gotten on the road so fast in our lives! Poor Steve went home to pack with all the kids (which I was going to do the next day - darn it!) and I handed off my patients to my coworkers. We were on the road within 30 minutes with lots of love and prayers from the ward and my coworkers at the hospital. The kids were so excited to meet Baby Johnny.

Emily had labored for almost a day by the time we got there that night. She stayed at home for most of the labor and I got to be part of a special team made up of Sharon (Emily's mom), Tami (Emily's sister) and myself, to help Emily get this special baby boy here. I realized between the three of us we had birthed 15 babies, but this one was like no other. I have never witnessed such strength.

It was like a dance - peacefully floating in and out of the room, supporting Emily through each contraction. Each of us knew our roles and quietly took turns by Emily's side. She chose to do hypnobirthing and all who worked with her were witness to her strength and grace. I witnessed the strength my brother gave his sweet wife through the veil. I witnessed the strong bond of a sister's love. I witnessed the comfort of a mother's voice and the strength of a mother's prayer, answered by a doctor who performed a miracle turn. I witnessed the strength of Baby Johnny who handled a long, stressful labor with no problem. Finally, I witnessed the supreme strength of a mother's love when John Harold Alley Jr. was placed in his mother's arms. After a 2 day labor all time stood still for Emily as she laid eyes on the perfect angel she'd created with her eternal companion.

A sister's love, as they both saw Baby John for the first time.

Grandpa Alley (my dad) who waited hours in the hall of the hospital to meet his grandson.


Boy, do we have a story to tell you!

The kids were enthralled with their new cousin,
but wondering 'why won't he wake up more to play!?'

Meeting Uncle Steve

Hero #4

"Sister Ann"

There are angels who enter your lives whose influence you will feel forever. Ann Steers is one of those angels. The day John's body was found, Emily's sister Tami looked at me and asked "How are you going to tell your children?" I looked back at her realizing the awesome task this was going to be. I had almost forgotten my little ones in Colorado, who only months earlier had been splashing in the Florida ocean and looking at planes with Uncle John. Who every time they saw a plane said "There's Uncle John's plane," and who were so excited about Uncle John's baby growing in Aunt Emily's tummy. Who woke up Saturday morning to find Mommy gone to Florida to help look for Uncle John because he was lost.

I was hundreds of miles away and couldn't hold my little ones and find the words to teach them about the plan of salvation in a way they would understand. All this went through my mind while looking at Tami, and the only thing I knew to do was pick up the phone and call Ann. Ann is Trenton's preschool teacher, Kali's nursery leader and my dear friend. Her LDS preschoolers call her "Sister Ann." As my friend said, "She speaks to children as I imagine Christ would speak to children more than anyone I've ever met." In nursery she had the children playing the ressurection of Christ from the Tomb. Children feel like a million bucks around her, and I feel she was specially prepared to help our little family.

I'll never forget the conversation that ensued. She said calmly, "Julie I know what to do. I have been praying about this and have felt so strongly about what to tell your little ones. I'm going to go over tonight and have a Family Home Evening with Steve and the kids. When my grandpa died we had a family party at the beach. I will tell them about this party we had when Grandpa went up to heaven. I will remind them of the parties you had when Blake came down from Heaven to join your family." And she did just that. She took the kids to the store to buy party supplies. She and Steve held FHE and explained that coming to the earth and returning to heaven are joyous events. She had Steve tell them that John had died and was now in heaven and explained that there were so many people there having a party with him, welcoming him home: Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, etc. She showed them the picture of the trumpeting angels at Christ's second coming and gave them party blowers. They had a party, lit candles and had treats. The ward had passed around a sign up sheet to watch the kids so Steve could be with me in Florida, but Ann wouldn't hear of it. She did not want them passed from house to house and insisted on keeping them until JeVonne arrived.

Her lesson has shaped my children's testimony in a way I will forever be grateful for. When our fish, Midnight, died, Trenton said with a grin, "It's OK Mom, Midnight's in heaven having a party with Uncle John right now!" We are so blessed to have her in our lives.

For this Sister Ann is my hero.

Ann with Trenton after the "Where the Wild Things Are" Preschool Party.

Birthday Boy

I am so blessed to be the mother of this little guy who turned 5 on September 26th. Here is my Trenton Top Ten list - the Top Ten things I love about my man:

10. His big brown eyes and beautiful smile
9. Watching him learn to read
8. When asked who is best fried is he replied, "Kali."
7. How he loves to cook with me
6. Watching how he loves to make Blake laugh and protect him from his big sister
5. His passion, tender heart and cautious spirit
4. That he sees life in black and white - it's right or it's wrong
3. His strict obedience (he takes his time, but is always obedient)
2. How he loves to cuddle
1. When he says "Mommy, do you know how much I love you?"

Happy Birthday Buddy!

This year Trenton wanted a Space Party. We made space packs for each little astronaut out of cereal boxes and water bottles, launched 2 liter bottle rockets, went on a meteorite finding mission (Starbursts & Milky Ways wrapped in foil) and made & flew UFOs.

One of my favorite days to be a parent is birthday party day. I have sooo much fun planning and carrying out parties for the little guys. This is one of the few times I remember I have a creative side! Actually I simply know how to Google, then get inspired by others' creative sides :)! I like to have the most fun for the least $.

Astronaut Trenton working on his Flying Saucer UFO.

The rocket cake!

She did it again!

Yep, she did it again. Julie amazed me and inspired me yet again as she fulfilled her relief society "University Of Excellence" goal/challenge to train for and participate in a triathlon. It was wonderful and inspiring to watch her train day after day swimming, biking, running, preparing for the big day. The following video shows some highlights of the triathlon.

Luke & Mary

On August 29th, 2008 my brother Luke was sealed to his beautiful bride Mary Remington in the Bountiful Temple. The wedding was beautiful and we are so blessed to have Mary in our family. It was a week filled with family and fun!

Our Forever Family

Mom and her girls.

The Triathlon

What an awesome day! We had all worked so hard for this, set goals and accomplished things we never thought possible. I remember the first time I got in a pool to train - Blake was 5 weeks old and after 1 lap I was completely out of breath. I got out of the pool and said to Steve - yea right! 36 laps? Then bike, then run 3 miles? I don't think so. But ever so slowly we all worked our way up to being ready for the big day. It was a blast. We cheered each other on, set personal records and had an awesome support team. Let's do it again!

This time the open water swim was nothing but amazing!

It helped that the water was

much warmer in August than in June.

Crossing the finish line - I'm addicted :)

"Beach" time after cheering Mom on.

Mountain Escape

Life has been a whirlwind lately! It's been a busy, fun summer so it's time to catch up on some blogs. In July we took a wonderful vacation to Dillon, CO. We went hiking, biking, fishing and boating. We enjoyed the stunning scenery, mountain air and family time. It was good to be in the mountains that John loved so much growing up. I felt a little closer to him here.

This was the most beautiful bike ride of our lives.

Triathalon training!

On Saturday we had Sandy, Art, Deb and Grandpa join us for a day. We took a boatride across Dillon Lake and drove through the middle of the annual Sailboat Rigatta with over 70 sailboats on the lake. It was magnificent.

Trenton caught his first fish by himself with Daddy's guidance.

A little piece of heaven for Steve.

Happy 29th!

What a wonderful birthday I had, made especially great by having Emily to celebrate with us. It started with sleeping in and delicious breakfast in bed by my wonderful husband. He has modified my family's tradition a bit by providing breakfast to not only the birthday person, but all the children celebrating with the birthday person, so that poor person doesn't have all their favorite breakfast food eaten off the tray by those celebrating with them. He wasn't so sure about this tradition when we first got married (crumbs in the bed, who has an appetite immediately upon being woken, the sharing aspect, etc.) but I think it's growing on him and he is very good at it! It's one of my faovirte traditions -thanks Mom and Dad!

We had a birthday lunch at Aunt Sandy & Uncle Art's house in Littleton, complete with my favorite salad and a cake she had made me! Emily gave me the most wonderful gift...a book of John's mission journal entries about me, our family, service, temples, etc. in his handwriting with a picture next to each one. I couldn't stop crying when I opened it and I read it almost daily. Then Em and I dragged ourselves to the gym almost falling asleep on the way there, but feeling sooo good when we left. We then came home to a yummy ice cream cake from Steve and lots of presents and cards from many friends and family. One of my favorite gifts from Steve are the Southwest giftcards for John Jr's birth! We topped off the day with a visit to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner - YUM - and came home to a spotless house thanks to our wonderful babysitter Rachel! Who could ask for a better birthday?!

Hero #3

Tonia & Andre

The night John went missing Steve and I were heartbroken Emily was in Florida without family. But she was certainly not alone. She went over to Tonia & Andre's house and stayed all night. These were some of John and Emily's dearest friends who we met when we visited in Novemeber. I not only love them for what they did for us in Florida, but especially for the good friends they were to John and Em. John adored their little girls and the girls felt the same love toward John. These were the people Emily turned to when her world was sent into a tailspin. She stayed with them all Friday night, and the morning of the accident Tonia had the unspeakably difficult job of taking Em to the accident scene. It was Tonia I talked to on Saturday morning and I will never forget Emily's cries of anguish in the background. How I wanted to wrap my arms around her and take some of the pain away, but I was miles away. I'll never forget my gratitude for Tonia at that time, knowing Emily was with people who loved her and wanted to find John as bad as she did.

They continued to show the same love towards us the entire week we were there. When Andre offered to help in any way, I doubt he thought it would include driving us to the ER at 3:00 in the morning when I couldn't sleep and then assuring me I was strong enough to tell my story just one more time to a medical professional in that early morning fight to get help sleeping. Andre spoke so wonderfully of the John he knew at the memorial service and the funeral- the John who loved his wife, who loved children, and who would have been the most wonderful father. Our entire family was thrilled to hear they were flying to UT to be at the funeral with us.

I watched the news report of the moment they found John's body (as we were in the middle of a volunteer search effort with news cameras rolling) with some hesitancy as one of my most devastating moments was being recorded by news stations. My fear subsided when the first face I saw was Tonia's, wearing the shock we all felt, wiping tears as if she had lost her own brother, truly "mourning with those who mourn." I am forever grateful for that footage of our dear friend that made me realize I had an entire nation of friends and family mourning the loss with us.

Tonia threw a baby shower the night of the memorial service, with about 48 hour notice :). She and Andre gave Emily and John Jr books that reminded them of his daddy. When I saw they had given Shell Silverstien's "The Giving Tree" my heart was touched as I knew they knew my John. They said John taught them about serving and how to serve.

In the military you can be blessed to find friends and become as close to them as your family, as you are often states, even countries away from family. These friends knew John less than a year, yet they will always be family to us for the love, friendship and kindness they gave our family and especially our dear John and Emily.

Happy 4th of July!

The 4th has always been one of my favorite holidays. This one was certainly bittersweet for me without our patriot John. His love of country above self will always inspire me. We were so glad to have Emily here to share the day with us. We started the day at our Ward breakfast.


That afternoon Kevin and Sue Fink had us over for a BBQ with their kids and our dear friends Val &Taylor and Heather & Tyson. It was good to be surrounded by people who loved John on a day that reminds me so much of him.



Kevin took Trenton on his first four-wheeler ride. He enjoyed the first part of it...


But decided he'd rather just run behind the four-wheeler on the way back.


My favorite part of the day was going onto the Air Force Academy to watch the fireworks. This was John's home for almost 10 years and I really felt close to him that night being where he'd spent much of his life and where we had made countless memories. We grew up together on this base, with patriotism and gratitude for our country instilled in us by our parents, so it was fitting to spend this holiday there.

We watched the fireworks with (from left:) Tyson, Heather, Me, Blake, Steve, Emily, Val, Sue, and Taylor (taking the picture) Trenton & Kali (sleeping in the car). We just sat and held each other and talked after the fireworks. No one wanted the moment to end.

Hero #2

My second "Hero Blog" is about my dear husband. The minute Emily called telling us John was missing, Steve said I should get on a plane and fly out to Florida. As is typical to Steve,he didn't give it a second thought. There is no question in his mind when it comes to the importance of family and his daily actions have always shown that. He was adamant we stay on the phone with Emily for most of Friday night, raced me to the airport Saturday morning, then stayed up with the kiddos all day. He then had the foresight to make a website, and when I told him we needed to make a flyer to pass out in Florida he said, "I did that last night, it's done, ready to print and I negotiated with the Kinko's there in Pensacola to give it to us for 1/2 price."

As soon as John was found he once again didn't second guess getting on a plane to come support us. He kept extended family members updated and patiently put up with very brief, stressful conversations from his wife the entire time we were looking for John. He drove me to the ER at 3 am, drove an hour to get me sleeping medication and brought Blake to the hospital for a day so I could nurse him. I credit Steve that I am still nursing Blake...he lugged a double pump around Florida and kept track of when to pump so I didn't lose my milk.

He knew how important video of John will be to all of us, especially Emily and John Jr. so he started archving video, requested video of John from friends in FL and interviewed countless people asking what they want John Jr to know about his Daddy. His foresight, thoughtfulness, skill and values blessed countless lives through all of this and have once again made him my hero.

Aunt Emily!!!

Yea - she's here! Emily arrived today for a 2 week visit and we are so excited. She just spreads love and joy everywhere she goes, especially in our home. We had a BBQ with friends from the ward tonight and it was a delightful night.


Blake loves cuddling and playing with his Aunt Emily!


We had a FHE with the Barillos, the Scotts and the Glissmeyers. Claudia Barillos was baptized in March and is absolutely on fire with the gospel. We had a new member discussion and she shared her powerful testimony.

Trenton pulled out the lei's in the garage and Kali passed them out to Emily and I. She decided the more the merrier for herself!

Practice Triathalon

So I was training for a sprint triathlon before John passed away. Our ward is doing it, and I am using it as a motivation to keep moving. I decided John would be very disappointed if I gave that up. So we had a practice on Saturday - half of the distance of each event, and I am grateful to be alive. The reservoir we swam in was the equivalent of ice water and I swam the entire distance with my face above water, as each time I stuck my head in the ice water I got the wind knocked out of me. All my weeks of practicing technique, breathing and strokes went out the window. I was in doggy paddle survival mode. On the bright side, there is no way the real thing could be worse...I have only one way to go from here - up!

Hero #1

I have debated the best way to blog about losing John, and I think I have found it. I don't want to dwell on losing him, but what I experienced in the last few weeks is still such a big part of my day to day life I need to record it. So I've figured out a system. I have been overwhelmed by the love and support of all those I was surrounded by during the time in Florida; my life will never be the same. I saw people move mountains when given the opportunity, and it is those people I am going to blog about for the next little while. I am entitling them my "Hero Blogs" and will intertwine them with my day to day blogs. That is how life forces us to deal with grief...I must continue day to day life, even though my world has been completely changed. So here it goes.

My first Hero blog is about my #1 Hero in all this, my dear Emily. From the moment we met I have felt like she was a kindred spirit. I saw strength, goodness, dignity and grace and knew John was the luckiest man to have her love! I will never forget flying into Florida when John went missing and walking into their home and throwing my arms around her. We held each other sobbing, but with a mission to find this man we loved. Little did I know how much she would teach me over the next two weeks. Not only did Emily lose the love of her life, she dealt with the media, investigators, the military, the nation, and hundreds of loving family members and friends. In the middle of her grief her strength, goodness, dignity and grace did not waiver.

I felt like she led us in our grieving. We laughed when she laughed, cried when she cried, spoke lovingly about memories of John with her, and felt anger along side with her.


She gave interview after interview like she had been doing this for years, with humor, sincerity and love.

She led us in relying on each other in a way we have never had to do before.

When she rested, I rested.


She walked with courage, strength and dignity when her whole world was crumbling (at the memorial service, walking with one of John's instructor pilots: her support, escort and friend Lt Brandt.)

She gave us so many opportunities for joy and laughter (at the baby shower in Pensacola, given by her dear friends the evening of the memorial service).

John is blessed to have her eternally - and I've decided as long as she's his, she's mine also. So to my #1 Hero, my dear Emily - you've taught me so much by your incredible example, you uplift me and inspire me. I love you!

I am Strong Enough

I just got off the phone with a dear friend from Littleton. The last few days have been a roller coaster as I was told they would be. This friend didn't ask details, didn't ask me if they know what happened yet or ask me Emily's future plans. She simply said "Julie, we have been praying for you and your family and I need to tell you that you are strong enough to get through this. And if you don't think you can get through a day, then breath long enough to get through the next minute. You will feel pain, but it probably won't be a 10 again. So remind yourself that even though this pain is a 9 and it hurts so bad, you survived a 10 so you can survive a 9. Julie you are strong enough - you CAN do this." I didn't tell this friend a thing about what has been going on, yet she was inspired to strengthen me with her words and love. I am so blessed. And I am Strong Enough.

My Blakey Angel

Blake has started looking at me with his big beautiful eyes and the rest of my world stops. He looks up at me and just stares and there's an amazing connection. He leans his little head back or stares at me while he's nursing and time stands still. I sure love this little guy.


Steve tied these balloons to his wrist today and his little inquisitive mind started working as he made the connection that moving his hand made the balloons bounce.

Until We Meet Again, Little Brother

It breaks my heart to actually be writing this blog, and I keep hoping this is just a nightmare. One of my best friends and heros, my little brother John Harold Alley, passed away on May 24th, 2008. His amazing wife Emily is expecting their sweet baby boy, John Harold Alley Jr. in October. I want to eventually tell the details of the past few weeks...the 4 day search for him, finding him, my hospital stay, the memorial service, and the funeral. Some of that may come out over the next few blogs, but for now...it hurts. It hurts to wake up and fall asleep. It hurts knowing what an amazing person he is and that his baby will have to learn that from others. It hurts knowing he's done touching lives on this earth (and he touched oh, so many) and is now working on the other side. And from what I have read on grief, it's going to hurt for a while. And I'm supposed to let it hurt, darn it. So for right now, this thing we call eternal progression is painful.

My favorite thing to do is celebrate his life, so here are a few of my favorite pictures of our Uncle John.


He loved our little Kali girl.



He and Trenton are kindred spirits.

And the best present he's ever given me was marrying Emily, one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

I'll miss you brother. I'll miss our talks, how you always left me inspired to be better, to reach my full potential and do the best in everything I am doing. I'll miss your voice, your smile, and your laugh. Until then watch over me...watch over your Trenton, Kali and Blake and your sweet Emily. I love you. Until we meet again, little brother.